


Always

by geri_chan



Series: Always [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 07:23:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 56,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3111098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geri_chan/pseuds/geri_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during Prisoner of Azkaban, with a very long flashback to Snape's and Lupin's student days at Hogwarts; my take on how their relationship might have developed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [一生皆然](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5216243) by [narraci](https://archiveofourown.org/users/narraci/pseuds/narraci)



> Very AU (it was written pre-Book 5): e.g. Snape is a pureblood, and in my universe, Lupin's condition is a hereditary disease or curse. Originally posted on Ink Stained Fingers on 09/07/03.
> 
> All songs are by the band Saliva and from the album "Back into Your System."

[Look at me, my depth perception must be off again  
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did  
It has not healed with time...  
\--"Rest in Pieces" by Saliva]

It was the first day of the new school year at Hogwarts. Snape watched as Dumbledore blithely introduced the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher to the students in the Great Hall. Snape hid his hands beneath the table so that no one could see how badly they were shaking. He had fought bitterly with the Headmaster about Lupin's appointment, but thought that he had resigned himself to the inevitable. He had been prepared for the return of the long-buried feelings of hatred, resentment, and betrayal; what he had not expected was how much it would hurt to see Lupin again. The pain felt as fresh as it had at age sixteen, nearly twenty years ago. Every time Lupin glanced across the table at him, Snape felt as if his heart were being carved into tiny pieces with a sharp knife. 

Though Lupin's face was still young and boyish, it was pale and nearly gray with exhaustion and illness. His hair was still shoulder-length and falling untidily into his face, but there now strands of silver among the brown. Even in the best of times, Lupin's pale blue eyes had always held a certain sadness; the secret he carried had given him a sense of gravity and maturity the other students lacked. But there were shadows in those eyes now that had not been there before--the few shreds of childish innocence and illusion the teenage Lupin possessed had been stripped away. Snape should have felt a sense of malicious satisfaction at seeing how far Lupin had fallen, with his haunted eyes and tatty, threadbare robes, but instead he felt pity and a small but gradually increasing feeling of guilt gnawing away at the inside of his stomach. His fingers twitched and he dug his nails into his palms till they nearly drew blood as he fought back a sudden insane urge to reach over and push a stray lock of hair out of Lupin's eyes. Then a wave of fury swept over him; how dare the werewolf come here and disturb what little peace of mind he had left! How dare he invade Snape's home and workplace! He felt the hatred rise, leaving a bitter taste like bile in his mouth, but he welcomed it because it drove away the pain. He glared across the table at Lupin so blackly that the other teachers--and many of the students--began to look a little alarmed. Minerva, who was sitting next to him, gave him a stern look of warning, and from the Gryffindor table, Harry Potter stared at him in surprise, but for once Snape didn't even notice Potter; he was oblivious to everyone and everything but Lupin...

[Look at your life, look at the way you slip and slide  
Look at your time, look at the ones that you've left behind  
Look at your eyes, the haunted black circles of your plight...  
Look at your mind, look at the strength you never found  
You lean on your pride, the only friend that would never let you down  
\--"Famous Monsters" by Saliva]

Lupin let his hair fall across his face, peering from behind it like a veil, as he tried to watch Snape without being conspicuous about it. He was alarmed by what he saw--not by the look of sheer loathing; though it hurt, he had expected that. No, he was concerned about Snape himself. On the surface, Severus had not changed much--he still had pale skin ("Like a corpse," he used to joke in school, self-deprecatingly), raven-black hair ("Greasy," Sirius used to sneer; "Shiny," Lupin would say in private, as he ran his hands through the other boy's hair), and black eyes. But that white skin had a much more pronounced sallow tinge to it than it used to--too much time spent in the dungeon, perhaps? Or perhaps it was merely his natural coloring, but it made him look almost as sickly as Lupin himself. His hair was still black with no sign of gray, but there were deep frown lines etched in his forehead and around his mouth. Severus had not exactly been a barrel of laughs in his youth, but this older Severus looked as if he never smiled at all. But what concerned Lupin most of all were Snape's eyes: as a boy those eyes had been full of anger and arrogance, but that was only a thin veneer to hide the jealousy and loneliness beneath, though only Lupin had seen through it. However, those eyes had also been full of life and energy; now they looked empty and haunted, although he still hid behind a facade of anger. Lupin wondered if the years Severus had spent among the Death Eaters had put that hollow look in his eyes, and he felt a pang of guilt. _Is it my fault? Did I drive him over to Voldemort's side? Would things have turned out differently if I'd had the courage to tell him my secret before Sirius exposed me, or would he still have hated me for being a monster...?_

Lupin had seen Snape only briefly today at the staff meeting earlier and now at dinner, but he had seen enough to realize that the walls Severus had built around himself as a child were stronger than ever. It was clear that most of the other teachers disliked him, and that he kept them all at arm's length. When Albus had written to Lupin offering him the job, he had confided that he was worried about Severus. "He has completely shut out everyone, including me," Dumbledore had written. "I have no doubt of where his loyalties lie, but the days ahead will be difficult ones--for all of us, but especially for Severus. He is under a great deal of pressure, and has put himself in great danger for our cause. He keeps all his emotions bottled up inside; I fear what will happen to him when he can no longer keep them contained. You were the only one who was ever able to get through to him. I know it will be difficult because his pride will never let him admit it, but he very badly needs a friend, Remus..." Lupin sighed. He didn't know how he was supposed to help Severus when it was clear that he would never forgive Lupin for what had happened so many years ago...

Lupin pushed his food around his plate dispiritedly while Snape stabbed viciously at his dinner with his knife and fork, as if it had personally done something to offend him. Unbeknownst to each other, the thoughts of both men drifted back to their boyhood days at Hogwarts...

*** 

When Snape first came to Hogwarts, he barely noticed Lupin. The boy was so quiet and unassuming that he only became aware of Lupin's existence because he had attached himself to Snape's arch-rival James Potter. At first Potter himself was just another annoying Gryffindor; at the beginning of the first year, Snape was busy getting settled in at Slytherin House (it took a few months to establish the pecking order among the new students). Strength and status ruled in Slytherin; Snape came from an old and well-respected family, so status was covered. As for strength--well, some of the other boys tried to bully him, but a few potent hexes took care of that. Lucius Malfoy in particular was impressed with the new student's knowledge of hexes and curses, and his approval clinched Snape's standing in Slytherin. Malfoy was a couple of years older than Snape, but even the seventh-year students trod carefully around him. Lucius's father was a high-ranking Ministry official, and the Malfoys were rumored to be practitioners of the Dark Arts; bad things happened to the people who crossed them. Snape didn't particularly like Lucius, but he knew how the game was played, and made sure to stay on Malfoy's good side. Once his place in Slytherin was secure, he was able to turn his full attention to his studies. Snape was not handsome or charming like Malfoy and Potter, but he was an excellent scholar and he was proud of that. He excelled in all his classes, especially Potions, and surprisingly enough, turned out to have a talent for Quidditch. (His father thought the game was a total waste of time, but made a point of knowing the rules and attending important matches because all the high-ranking wizards also attended the games, and many crucial contacts and furtive deals were made there.) So he finished his first year, feeling quite smug, expecting to be at the top of his class. And he was indeed the top-ranking Slytherin of his year, and also beat out all the students in the other Houses, except for one--James Potter. Snape was shocked to see Potter's name at the top of the student rankings; he had edged Snape out by just a few points.

That was a bitter taste of things to come, and the beginning of the rivalry between the two boys. For over the years, Snape found himself constantly coming in second to Potter--in class, on the Quidditch field, and in the Headmaster's affections. He would rather die than admit it, even to himself, but Dumbledore had become something of a father figure to the young Severus Snape. Snape's parents were cold and ambitious sorcerers who showed little affection towards each other and even less towards their son--such sentimentality was only for the weak and foolish. His mother drilled him in wizard politics and etiquette: how to greet a wizard of a particular rank, who should be flattered and who could safely be snubbed, and so on. Appearances were everything to her, and woe betide him if he wore the wrong robe to a formal party, or if he tried to play with a child who was not from a "proper" family. Snape's father tutored him in sorcery, and was a stern taskmaster. He expected nothing less than perfection from his son, and while mistakes were met with a few terse but scathing remarks that cut to the bone, success won Severus no praise--at best his reward was a grudging nod of approval, for the elder Snape saw no reason to praise his son simply for doing what was expected of him. Snape's father also tolerated no disobedience or insolence, and punished such acts severely: he never struck his son, but rather employed a weaker form of the Cruciatus Curse, which caused intense pain but left no bruises or physical marks. Snape soon gave up trying to win his parents' approval, and settled for being ignored, spending most of his free time in the family library. Books were one of the few pleasures allowed to him, and he was soon studying spells advanced beyond what his father was teaching him. This led to trouble one day when he lost his temper during a quarrel with a neighbor's child and cast a particularly nasty curse on the boy. It also led to him meeting Dumbledore personally when the child's parents tried to have him barred from entering Hogwarts. To his surprise, the old wizard didn't scold him, but instead asked him how he'd learned such an advanced spell, and seemed impressed by how much Snape had learned on his own. He joked with the boy, gave him some candy, and played a game of wizard chess with him. Although Dumbledore had never taken an interest in wizard politics before (at least according to Snape's mother), he dropped by several gatherings at the Snape home and made a point of spending time with Severus. His parents weren't sure whether to be pleased or not: they disliked Dumbledore's sympathy for the Muggle-born, but he was an important figure in the wizarding world and it was an honor for their son to be singled out for attention by him. For Severus, Dumbledore was the first person to encourage him or show him affection. Although he outwardly remained reserved, he soon began to eagerly anticipate those visits, and came to like and trust the old wizard--at least as much as a wary young man of his upbringing was capable of. The Headmaster continued to look after Snape once he came to Hogwarts, and would often stop to inquire about how his studies were going. That pleased Snape, but he soon noticed that the Headmaster also favored a group of young Gryffindors--James Potter in particular.

Thus, Snape became obsessed with revenging himself on Potter. He watched Potter closely, always on the lookout for an opportunity to show Potter up or get him in trouble, which was how he became aware of Potter's inner circle of friends. Potter was popular with all the Gryffindors, but there were three boys who were constantly by his side. Peter Pettigrew was a little toady who simply followed the other boys around; Snape dismissed him as being not worth bothering with. Sirius Black, on the other hand, went out of his way to antagonize Snape. He taunted and insulted Snape, drew big-nosed caricatures of Snape on the bathroom walls, and once used a spell to turn Snape's favorite black robe pink. Snape retaliated with his vast knowledge of hexes and curses; he enjoyed watching Black cough up slugs and grow warts on his face, but his very favorite curse was an invention of his own. As payback for the drawing in the boys' bathroom, Snape cast a spell that made Black's nose grow...and grow...and grow... (Ironically, he got the idea from a Muggle children's book he overheard Lily Evans talking about.) It was nearly three feet long before a teacher dispelled the curse, as Snape and his Slytherin classmates were practically rolling on the ground laughing. That incident (and many others) had gotten both him and Black sent to the Headmaster's office for a lecture as well as a week's detention, but it had been worth it. 

But the third boy, Remus Lupin, was different. He wasn't as obnoxious as the others, and never actively took part in the pranks his friends played on Snape. While the other three laughed and sneered at Snape, Lupin would linger on the sidelines, smiling apologetically at him. That gentle smile annoyed the hell out of Snape; at first he was certain the other boy must be mocking him, yet Lupin was always unfailingly polite no matter how rude Snape was to him. He even tried at times, to keep the peace between his friends and Snape--though his efforts were largely unsuccessful. One such incident took place during their second year at Hogwarts...

*** 

It all began when there was a mix-up with the Quidditch practice schedule, and both Slytherin and Gryffindor were signed up to use the field at the same time. Neither House would back down, of course, so they ended up having an impromptu match. It was a gloomy, overcast day and by the middle of the game it was pouring rain, turning the field below into a muddy mess. Soon most of the players gave up and went back to their dorms or retreated beneath the stands for cover--all except Snape and Potter.

"Come down, you idiots!" Lupin yelled from the field below. "It's dangerous to play in weather like this!"

"You can quit if you're scared of a little rain," Snape said, managing to project a haughty demeanor despite the fact that his hair was plastered to his face and his robes were soaking wet. "But that means conceding the match to Slytherin."

"Never!" said Potter.

"It's not even a real match, James!" Lupin protested.

"Leave be, Remus," Black said. "It's for the honor of Gryffindor!"

"The honor of Gryffindor!" echoed Pettigrew.

"Fat lot of good honor will do them if they fall off their brooms and break their necks," grumbled Lupin.

Just then the Golden Snitch flew into view; Snape and Potter both dove for it at the same time. Snape jostled Potter, attempting to cut him off while the Gryffindors below booed and hissed. (All except for Lupin, who just looked worried.) Potter's broom spun out of control; it swung back around and hit Snape before Potter could regain his balance, and Snape went tumbling to the ground, landing in a large puddle of mud. The Gryffindors shrieked with laughter, and Potter landed, triumphantly holding the Snitch in one hand. Snape tried to get to his feet, but slipped and fell hard on his backside. The Gryffindors laughed again, and even his fellow Slytherin teammates snickered. The Slytherins showed no mercy or sympathy even to their own; the strong ruled over the weak, and looked for any opportunity to advance themselves at each other's expense. Snape's face turned red with anger and embarrassment as he struggled to regain his footing in the slippery mud. Then he heard a voice say softly, "Are you all right, Severus?" He looked up to see Remus Lupin standing over him, no mockery in his eyes, just a look of concern. Lupin smiled and held out his right hand. Snape hesitated for a moment; he almost let Lupin help him up but he saw his housemates watching him, and knew he'd lose face if he did. He reached out and took Lupin's hand, but instead of letting Lupin pull him up, he pulled Lupin down into the mud beside him. Snape's teammates laughed, and he knew he'd won back their respect, but was surprised to feel a pang of guilt as he got to his feet and looked down at Lupin lying in the mud, a startled look on his face.

To cover up his guilt, Snape sneered, "Next time, mind your own business, Lupin."

Black ran over to help his friend up, glaring at Snape as he said, "That's what you get for trying to help a Slytherin!"

Lupin just laughed and said, "Well, I needed a bath, anyway."

Snape grabbed his broom and stomped off the field, muttering, "Idiot Gryffindors, they're all soft in the head!"

*** 

[Something's wrong with me  
Cause I can't even begin to feel you now  
Or know that this is real  
Am I blind to see that there's something there behind your eyes  
And it's bringing me to my knees  
All I want is you and I don't care  
\--"All Because of You" by Saliva]

From that day forward, Snape became as obsessed with Lupin as he was with Potter. He began following the four boys around constantly, looking for ways to get them in trouble (at least that's what he told himself). He couldn't figure Lupin out, and it was driving him crazy. The way he always smiled apologetically when his friends teased Snape, for instance. At first he thought Lupin was too cowardly to either dump his idiot friends or join wholeheartedly in their pranks. Yet he certainly didn't seem intimidated by any of the school bullies, including Snape's housemates Crabbe and Goyle, who resembled mountain trolls in appearance, temperament, and stupidity. He was even brave enough to play with the Gamekeeper Hagrid's monstrous black dog--if it even was a dog. It was the size of a small bear, and ferocious as a hellhound, but Lupin managed to pet it without losing any of his fingers. 

Lupin enjoyed a close friendship and easy camaraderie with the other three Gryffindor boys, which caused Snape's stomach to tie itself into knots with some emotion he refused to acknowledge. But he also remained unflappably calm and polite no matter how nasty Snape was to him. Snape went out of his way to try and shake that calm, to wipe that gentle smile off Lupin's face, but to his mingled disappointment and relief, he never could. In fact, he found himself deliberately provoking Black or Potter just to get those apologetic little half-smiles from Lupin. But it bothered him somehow that Lupin never gave him a real smile, the kind he gave his Gryffindor friends. Then he would get angry with himself for having such ridiculous thoughts. And Lupin's eyes--no matter how happy he was, no matter what mischief he got into with Potter and the others, there was always a deep sense of sadness lurking beneath the laughter in those blue eyes. Snape wondered if it had something to do with his mysterious illness; he longed to find out what Lupin's secret was--so he could get Lupin and his friends in trouble, of course. He didn't want to help Lupin or soothe his pain; that would be ludicrous! At least, that's what he told himself...

*** 

Then one day during Incantations and Summonings class, Professor Blackmore told her students they would work in pairs for their next project, the summoning of a minor benign elemental spirit. However, instead of allowing them to choose partners as she normally did, she announced that she was going to try a little experiment of her own. She normally taught two periods of double classes (Slytherin and Gryffindor, and Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff), but for this assignment, she gathered both classes together and paired off partners without regard to Houses. The students grumbled, but quietly, under their breath, so she ignored them until she came to...

"...Lupin and Snape."

"You can't expect me to work with that GRYFFINDOR!" Snape protested loudly. A little more loudly than he'd intended, in order to cover up the sudden--and totally inappropriate--surge of elation he felt when he heard his partner's name. He quickly squelched that feeling, telling himself firmly that he was not happy but outraged, as any proper Slytherin would be. 

Branwen Blackmore was a beautiful young woman, with flawless creamy skin, waist-length black hair, and piercing green eyes. Yet she had no trouble keeping order in class; her steely gaze could intimidate even the most unruly of her students. She had a remote, otherworldly air about her, and it was rumored that she had inherited faery, or possibly even demon blood from some long-forgotten ancestor. Some of the younger Slytherin children believed that her familiar, a huge raven named Bane, was a demon in disguise. A silly rumor, no doubt, but she was certainly powerful enough to summon a demon if such things were not proscribed by the Ministry of Magic. Bane glared balefully at Snape from his perch at the back of the room, and his mistress gave her errant student a look that made him gulp and turn pale.

"I expect you to work with your assigned partner unless you wish to fail this class, Mr. Snape," Blackmore said coldly. 

The Professor's sharp gaze skewered Snape and held him immobile; he felt like an insect specimen pinned to a piece of cardboard. "Yes, ma'am," he mumbled, and as her gaze moved on, he slumped in his chair with relief. 

"Are there any further objections?"

_Only Sirius Black would be dumb enough to challenge her,_ Snape thought, and sure enough, Black obliged.

"But Professor, you can't make Remus work with that--" Then it was Black's turn to gulp as Blackmore's glare fell on him. Still, he was too stubborn or too stupid to let it go, and ignored Lupin's and Potter's frantic signals to keep quiet. "I mean, what if he hurts Remy or sabotages the project? The Slytherin are always causing trouble to--" 

"That attitude is exactly why I chose to assign partners from different Houses," said Blackmore sternly. "A little competition on the Quidditch field is fine, but this rivalry between Houses is escalating to an unhealthy level. You are all students of this school, and one day you will all hopefully become certified witches and wizards. You should be working together for the common good of this school, and society in general. Consider this an exercise in inter-House cooperation. It is possible that someday your life, and the lives of those you love, might depend upon it."

Black and Snape glared at each other, each obviously thinking it would be a cold day in hell before they would ever cooperate.

Professor Blackmore sighed. "Well, one step at a time. Let me make it clear that your grade on this project will depend on your ability to cooperate. No one will 'sabotage' this project unless they want to fail. Likewise, if a pair tries to work independently of each other, they will get a failing grade even if the summoning succeeds. This is a collaboration, ladies and gentlemen, and you are being judged not just on your magical ability but on your ability to work together. Is that clear?" This time there were no objections, and the Professor took silence as assent. "Good."

*** 

After class, the students gathered in the hallway, comparing notes and in some cases, commiserating with each other. Potter had been paired with a Ravenclaw boy, and Pettigrew and Black with girls from Hufflepuff.

"Well, your partner seems like a decent sort, James," Black said. "And mine is actually kind of cute!" He winked at the girl, who was standing across the hall with her friends. She blushed, and the other girls burst into giggles. 

"Mine is kind of dumpy," said Pettigrew glumly. "But it's better than being paired with a Slytherin, like Remus."

"Oh, it's not so bad, really," said Lupin gamely. "He's really smart, so we should get a good grade. Better than being paired with Crabbe or Goyle."

"True," said Potter. "They're mean AND stupid! But still--"

"What if instead of summoning the elemental, he conjures up a demon to eat you--" Pettigrew began, then broke off as Snape appeared behind him. 

"I'd feed YOU to a demon, Pettigrew, if I didn't think you'd give it indigestion."

Pettigrew squealed and ducked behind Black for protection. Black opened his mouth, but Lupin hastily cut him off before he could speak. "Er, hello Severus," he said, smiling nervously. "Shall we meet after school to start work on our project?"

"I suppose so," Snape said sourly. "It's not like we have a choice." He twisted his lips into a fierce scowl to keep the corners of his mouth from curving upwards and returning Lupin's smile.

"Okay, then why don't you come up to the common room before dinner--"

"You're not letting that greasy git into Gryffindor Tower!" howled Black.

"But we have to work together on the project," protested Lupin.

"If you brought him to Gryffindor, he'd hear the password," Potter pointed out, more calmly than Black, but he was staring at Snape warily.

"What's the big deal?" Lupin asked in exasperation. "It changes every week!"

"We're not letting some sneaky Slytherin into our dorm to snoop around!" snarled Black.

"As if I'd want to!" retorted Snape. "What on earth do you goody-two-shoes Gryffindors have to hide, anyway? Some dungbombs hidden under the bed? Like I care."

"You care enough to be following us around all the time, trying to get us in trouble--"

"I don't think the other Gryffindors would agree to it, Remy," said Potter, interrupting Black's tirade.

"Fine," sighed Lupin. "Would you rather study at Slytherin, then, Severus?" he asked, a little reluctantly.

"I don't think Malfoy would agree to that," Snape said, sounding a little embarrassed.

"Oh right, I forgot," sneered Black. "You Slytherins aren't allowed to even go to the bathroom without Malfoy's permission."

"Shut up, Black!"

"Make me!"

"Oh, knock it off you two, before you get detention for fighting in the halls again!" said Lupin. "Why don't we meet in the library after last class, Severus? We need to do some research on the spell first anyway."

"Fine," growled Snape. "And make sure you carry your weight on this project, Lupin. I'm not doing all the work by myself, you know."

"Professor Blackmore said we're to work together, and that's what I intend to do," Lupin said quietly. Snape turned on his heel and stalked off without another word, his robe swirling dramatically behind him.

"What a jerk," Potter muttered.

Pettigrew did an exaggerated imitation of Snape's exit and tripped on the hem of his robe as he swirled it around him. Snape ignored the laughter of the boys behind him as he continued to walk down the corridor, but his good mood was ruined when he heard Lupin laughing good-naturedly along with the other Gryffindors. He had never enjoyed that kind of easy laughter with his Slytherin "friends"--Slytherins laughed at each other, not with each other. He'd never experienced a close friendship such as the one Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew shared. Not that he cared, of course; Slytherins didn't care about sappy things like friendship and love. "Sentimentality is a luxury only the weak can afford," Snape muttered under his breath, repeating one of his father's favorite homilies. At least he could take Lupin away from his Gryffindor friends for a few weeks; that would really stick in Black's craw. Somewhat cheered by that thought, Snape began to smile as he headed for his next class. And he would have Lupin all to himself for three weeks... Although he was unaware of it, Snape's smile grew even wider.

*** 

"No, you may not bring that shabby excuse for a wizard into the Slytherin common room!" Malfoy exclaimed incredulously. "Have you lost your mind, Snape? Why on earth did you agree to work with a Gryffindor?"

"Do you think I _want_ to work with that Gryffindor twit?!" snapped Snape. "I told you, Professor Blackmore stuck us together! If you want to argue about it with her, be my guest!"

"Watch your step, Snape!" Malfoy warned.

"It's true, though, Lucius," interjected Evan Rosier. He was a handsome boy, with curly black hair, intense dark eyes, and pouty lips that girls seemed to find irresistible. "I got paired with that snooty Ravenclaw bitch Ariane Donner. She had the nerve to tell me she'd have my head on a platter if I lowered her grade point average! Everyone got paired with someone from another House. Blackmore's got some kind of silly idealistic notion of fostering 'inter-House cooperation'."

Malfoy snorted, sounding somewhat pacified. "The Headmaster probably put her up to it. My father says he's a bleeding heart liberal. Well, it can't be helped, I suppose. But you're not bringing any Gryffindors here."

"We can't work at Gryffindor, we can't work here, what are we supposed to do?" complained Snape.

"Oh, stop whining, Snape! It was Blackmore's idea; let her deal with it! Tell her to let you use one of the empty classrooms or something."

*** 

A little warmth actually crept into Blackmore's face as she smiled at the two boys standing in front of her. "So, your Houses are not making this easy for you. I expected as much. You are two of my most responsible students, so I see no problem in letting you use the empty workroom in the dungeon. It's already warded with protective spells, so it's an ideal place to practice a summoning. Not that I expect anything to go awry, at least not with you two--" The Professor sighed, looking distracted for a moment, perhaps worrying about some of her less adept students. Then she shook her head slightly, and her usual no-nonsense expression returned to her face. She took a key from her desk drawer and handed it to Snape, saying, "I trust you won't abuse this privilege, gentlemen."

"No, ma'am," Lupin and Snape said in unison.

"Good," she said. Bane cawed loudly, and she picked up a plate filled with meat scraps--apparently they had interrupted the raven's dinner--and resumed hand-feeding the bird, one morsel at a time. As the boys walked out of her office, she added, "I'd hate to have to feed you to Bane."

"Um...you don't think she was serious, do you, Severus?" Lupin asked as they walked down the hall.

Snape shrugged. "That bird is almost big enough to take on Hagrid's dog; it's certainly mean enough. I had no idea ravens could grow that large." Then, to Lupin's surprise, he actually cracked a smile. A small and sardonic one, but a smile nonetheless. "Do you know what kind of meat she was feeding him?" 

"No...do you?"

"No, but I haven't seen Goyle all day," replied Snape.

Lupin looked at him suspiciously. "Why Severus, did you just make a joke?"

"Everyone knows Slytherins have no sense of humor," said Snape with a straight face. Lupin laughed, and against his will, the corners of Snape's mouth twitched upwards in a smile.

*** 

In truth, Lupin wasn't at all perturbed when Blackmore assigned Snape to be his partner, although he feigned reluctance for the sake of his friends, who wouldn't understand why he was pleased. Lupin wasn't sure he understood it himself; Snape, like any Slytherin, despised all Gryffindors, but he seemed to go out of his way to be rude to Lupin in particular. But still, he sensed there was something more to Snape, that the Slytherin hid his true self behind a shield of anger and arrogance. Sirius claimed that Snape always followed them around because he was looking for ways to get them expelled, but Lupin wasn't so sure about that. He thought he saw an odd kind of hunger lurking beneath the hatred in Snape's black eyes. Snape held himself apart from all the other students, and had no close friends, even in his own House. Lupin once told his friends that he thought Snape might be lonely, that he perhaps he followed them around because he envied their close relationship. Sirius and the others had just looked at him as if he'd lost his mind.

*** 

"Lonely? SNAPE?! Ha, that's a good one, Moony!"

"But it makes sense, Sirius," Lupin protested. "He's always alone, and here are the four of us, thick as thieves, running around having fun together."

"He's not alone," pointed out Peter. "He hangs around with Malfoy's crowd."

"Do you really think they have any loyalty to each other? Do you think he could trust Malfoy or Rosier with a secret the way I can trust you guys with mine?"

"Well, Moony, I can see your point," James said dubiously. "But if he wants to be friends with us, he has an odd way of showing it."

"He wants to, but he can't, you see, because the other Slytherins would turn against him--"

Sirius laughed, "Remus, you're too softhearted. I'd sooner befriend a viper!"

*** 

After that, Lupin gave up trying to convince his friends to be nicer to Snape. But he felt sorry for the other boy, always hanging around the edge of things, but never truly a part of them. Perhaps the fact that he had a secret of his own gave Lupin the ability to see something deeper in Snape. So he tried to be nice to Snape no matter how rude the other boy was; Lupin knew better than anyone how it felt to be alone and unwanted. While he couldn't exactly say he liked Snape, he found the Slytherin boy intriguing somehow, and found himself looking forward to getting to know him better while working on the Summonings project.

Lupin and Snape spent many hours in the library and the workroom together, poring over books. The spell was more complex than any other they'd been required to do so far, consisting of several different parts: a circle of protection to contain the spirit, a focus for the spirit to manifest in (in this case a bowl of water, since they were supposed to summon a water elemental), and an incantation to summon the spirit and bind it to their service. If a mistake was made in any of these steps, the entire spell would fail, and all their efforts would be wasted.

When Lupin entered the workroom one night, he found Snape sitting at the desk, laboriously copying runes from a book onto a piece of parchment. "Have you been at that all night, Severus? Better stop and take a break." 

"We need these runes for the protective circle, and I have to return the book to the library tomorrow," Snape said without looking up. 

"Yeah, but if you're too tired you'll make mistakes, and if the runes aren't drawn correctly, the circle will be useless. Not that it really matters, since these are weak and relatively harmless spirits, less dangerous than Peeves, really," said Lupin, referring to the resident poltergeist. "But still, that would be sloppy on our part--"

"And Blackmore hates sloppy work," finished Snape with a grimace. "So do I. Okay, you win, Lupin. I could use a break, I suppose." He set down his quill and rubbed his eyes.

Lupin smiled to himself. He had learned a couple of things about Snape over the past week or so--that he had a genuine passion for his studies, and that he hated doing anything in a less than perfect fashion. "Here," he said. "We missed dinner, so I talked the house elves into giving us some sandwiches."

"Thanks," said Snape absentmindedly, as he accepted a thick ham-and-cheese sandwich and bit into it. 

Lupin grinned. Snape had behaved in his usual curt and abrasive manner when they began the project, but had accorded Lupin a grudging respect when he realized that Lupin really was a talented wizard and that he worked hard without complaint. And when Snape got absorbed in his studies, he often forgot to be rude altogether--like just now, for instance. He found that he actually enjoyed Snape's company; he appreciated the Slytherin's razor-sharp wit, even when it was being directed against himself, and took pleasure in the rare moments when Snape let down his guard and let Lupin see his enthusiasm for their project. Many of their classmates complained that the project was too hard, but it was exactly the sort of challenge that Snape craved. He sat down and took out his own sandwich, and they ate in companionable silence for a few minutes until Snape saw the expression on Lupin's face.

"What're you smirking about, Lupin?" Snape asked with his mouth full, but with only perfunctory rudeness, as if his heart wasn't really in it.

"I was just thinking that I'm glad you're my partner," replied Lupin honestly.

"Hmmph!" snorted Snape, blushing slightly. "Well, it's true you're sure to get a good grade since I'm your partner," he said with his usual arrogance. "But I know you'd rather be paired with Potter or Black." 

Lupin looked at Snape more closely. Had that last remark held just a touch of resentment--maybe even hurt--in it? The other boy refused to meet his eyes, but looked positively sulky as he continued to chew his sandwich. Lupin said gently, "I really am glad that you're my partner, Severus. I think maybe the Professor was right; I have lots of friends in Gryffindor, but I don't spend much time with anyone from the other Houses. I can see James and Sirius anytime, but I'd never have gotten to know you if we hadn't been assigned to work together."

Snape looked up, startled, and for a moment Lupin saw a mixture of hope and vulnerability in his black eyes. Then, as quickly as it had happened, the moment passed, and the haughty Slytherin mask was back on his face. "Enough with the chitchat," Snape said brusquely. "Let's get back to work."

*** 

It was a couple of days before their project was due, and Lupin and Snape were working through their lunch hour in the workroom. Lupin wanted to get as much done during the day as he could because he knew he would get nothing done tonight, the night of the full moon. When Snape arrived, carrying a large package beneath one arm, Lupin told the other boy to go ahead and eat lunch without him, but his partner stubbornly insisted on working with him.

"It's not like missing one meal will kill me," Snape said irritably. "You're much thinner than I am, anyway. In fact," he added with a frown as he peered at Lupin intently, "you don't look so good. Are you all right? Maybe you're the one who shouldn't skip lunch."

"I'm feeling a bit under the weather, but I'll be okay," Lupin said, trying to sound convincing. "Besides, we have a lot of work to do."

Snape gave him a skeptical look, but just shrugged and said, "Well, here, have a Chocolate Frog."

"Thanks, Severus."

"Don't thank me. I just don't want you to faint of hunger and knock over the table and spill everything," Snape blustered, motioning to the table where Lupin was preparing ingredients (ground fish scales and dried seaweed) that needed to be mixed into the bowl of water that would be used to summon the elemental.

Lupin ducked his head to hide his grin; he was touched by the other boy's concern, but knew Snape's pride would be wounded if he realized Lupin had seen through his act.

While Lupin was munching on the piece of chocolate, Snape set down the package he'd been carrying and unwrapped it, revealing a beautiful ceramic bowl and a small velvet pouch. The bowl was wide and shallow, painted with a stylized wave pattern in subtle shades of blue and green. Then he emptied the contents of the pouch--a half dozen high-quality pearls--into his palm. Lupin's eyes widened.

"Weren't those expensive?"

Snape shrugged, and began grinding the pearls into powder with a mortar and pestle. "My parents sent them via owl."

"It isn't absolutely necessary to use pearls in the spell--"

"But it's more effective that way," said Snape. "Besides," he added curtly, "they want me to get good grades, so let them pay for it."

"They must be proud of you, then," Lupin said after an awkward pause.

Something flickered in Snape's eyes, then a mask fell over his face, rendering those black eyes expressionless. "Get back to work, Lupin," was all he said.

Lupin obeyed without protest, saying, "Perhaps you should set aside a couple of those pearls. One of the books I read said that water elementals are fond of pretty trinkets, and can be bribed with them."

"Yes, that's where the Muggle legends of sea monsters come from," said Snape in a slightly didactic tone. "The greater elementals would sometimes sink merchant ships for their treasure. But a bribe isn't really necessary if the caster is strong enough to properly control the elemental."

"But a gift keeps the elemental happy, and prevents it from holding a grudge against the caster. Besides, it's the polite thing to do."

Snape laughed, shattering whatever odd mood had fallen over him. "God forbid we should be less than polite! Water elementals can easily find pearls on the ocean floor, but I'm sure we can find something appropriate. It doesn't need to be valuable as long as it's shiny or colorful."

They finished preparing the spell ingredients and put them away in covered jars, Lupin moving very slowly and carefully so as not to spill anything, since his hands were starting to tremble. He felt exhausted and nauseated, and began to wish he hadn't eaten that Chocolate Frog after all. He broke out into a cold sweat and grabbed the edge of the table to steady himself as he felt the onset of the wracking pains that always preceded his transformation. It felt like someone was trying to twist his flesh and bones into a different shape--which was essentially what was happening to him. But as bad as the pain was now, it was only a shadow of what it would be by moonrise. He normally would have spent the day in bed, but felt guilty about leaving Severus to work on their project alone.

"Lupin?" Snape asked sharply, not bothering to hide his concern. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Lupin gasped, forcing himself to let go of the table.

"You don't look fine."

"Come on, we'll be late for our next class," Lupin said, but as he headed for the door, a sudden stab of pain in his midsection caused him to double over.

"Lupin!" Snape cried, catching him before he collapsed. 

"I'm all right," Lupin insisted. "Just let me catch my breath." He felt Snape's arms tighten around his waist, which was good, since he didn't think his legs would support him right now. He leaned against the other boy, telling himself he just needed to rest for a moment, but that moment stretched out longer than he intended...he felt safe and protected in Severus's arms, as he had not felt since he was a very small child. _Just a few more seconds, and then I'll let go..._ he told himself once, and then again.

"Remus?" Snape asked in a shaky voice, sounding very young and frightened, and not at all arrogant. "I think we should get you to the hospital wing."

Lupin felt absurdly happy that Severus had finally called him by his first name. "I'm all right," he said, but didn't move.

"You are not all right," said Snape more firmly. He kept one arm around Lupin's waist, and with the other, pulled one of Lupin's arms around his shoulders. "We're going to the hospital wing. Come on." 

As they walked down the corridor, Lupin protested, "I'm fine really...it's an old childhood illness...nothing to be done for it except to rest..."

"Oh, shut up and save your breath, Lupin," Snape said in a tone that brooked no argument. He sounded remarkably like Professor Blackmore at her scariest. Lupin took the hint and shut up, leaning on his partner for support. He thought he could manage walking by himself but he didn't think Severus would believe him. Besides it felt rather nice...

They were halfway to the hospital wing when they ran into James, Sirius, and Peter. Lupin wanted to laugh at the way their eyes nearly popped out of their heads. Unfortunately, he was the only one who found the situation amusing.

"What the hell did you do to Remus, you slimy git?!" Sirius shouted.

"I didn't do anything, you moron! He's sick!" Snape shouted back. The other three boys didn't look convinced. Sirius in particular was looking murderous; Lupin saw his hand drifting towards the pocket where he kept his wand. Snape saw it too; his fingers twitched, but he couldn't reach for his wand without letting go of Lupin.

Lupin decided to intervene before any blood was spilled. "I really am sick, you guys. It's...ah...the usual thing. Severus was just helping me to the hospital wing."

"Well, we can take care over from here," said James, still looking at Snape suspiciously.

When Snape didn't look like he was going to let go of Lupin anytime soon, Peter piped up, "Why don't you just trot on back to Slytherin?"

"Why don't you ask me that when Potter and Black aren't around to protect you?" Snape snarled.

Things might have gotten ugly at that point, if the Headmaster had not happened to be walking by. "Are you not feeling well, Mr. Lupin?" he asked mildly, appearing to take no notice of the way Snape and the other boys were giving each other evil looks.

"Yes, Headmaster," Lupin said with relief. "I mean, no, I'm not feeling well. Severus was taking me to the hospital wing."

Dumbledore smiled. "Thank you, Severus. I am aware of Remus's condition; a chronic illness, I'm afraid, but he should be feeling better in a day or two. Allow me to escort you to Madam Pomfrey, Remus. I was just heading that way myself." Snape reluctantly let go of Lupin. The Headmaster put an arm around Lupin's shoulders in a fatherly manner and added, "How fortunate you are to have friends who are so concerned about you." 

Snape flushed and stared at his feet. "I just don't want to fail Incantations, that's all. Blackmore says she'll fail us if we don't work as a team." He looked up and scowled at Lupin. "So you'd better be well by the time our presentation is due, Lupin."

Sirius growled, but before he could say anything, the Headmaster said, "You boys had better hurry or you'll be late for class." His voice was still mild, but there was something in his eyes that said that was an order, not a suggestion, so all four boys reluctantly left, Sirius mumbling, "slimy git," under his breath.

"Thank you, Severus," Lupin called after Snape.

"Don't thank me; just hurry up and get well and get back to work!" Snape snarled, blushing again as he quickly stomped off.

"How nice to see that you and Mr. Snape are getting along so well," said Dumbledore with a twinkle in his eyes, and Lupin grinned, despite the pain.

*** 

Lupin showed up for class the next day, although he looked wan and gray, and had huge dark circles under his eyes. But he enjoyed the way Severus fussed over him, (complaining the whole time, of course). During the classes Gryffindor and Slytherin shared, Severus hovered over him so closely that James and Sirius became suspicious and nearly started a fight. They returned to the workroom during lunch, but Severus didn't really let him do any work, glowering at him if he attempted to exert himself in the slightest. Severus had even coaxed or bullied the house elves into bringing up a tray of food "for the invalid", as he put it. Lupin contentedly ate his lunch as he watched his partner work; there wasn't much left to do anyway, just a few finishing touches, so he didn't feel too guilty. He didn't mind listening to Severus's complaints and insults because there was no heat behind them, and the other boy kept casting worried glances his way whenever he thought Lupin wasn't watching. Those little glances made Lupin very happy for some reason he couldn't quite articulate.

The next day, Blackmore's class presented their projects, with varying degrees of success. James and his Ravenclaw partner summoned an earth elemental, who retrieved a "treasure chest" buried on the school grounds. Lupin remembered it well; the four of them had buried it as a lark during their first year at Hogwarts. They had intended to dig it up at the end of their seventh year, but agreed that James could unearth it early for his project. Despite the fact that it was winter and the ground was frozen solid, the elemental had no trouble retrieving the box. James opened it, revealing the "treasure" within: Famous Wizard cards, a few bronze and silver coins, marbles, interestingly shaped or colored rocks they had collected, and a bag of rock candy in jewel-bright colors, looking none the worse for wear despite having been buried for several years. The elemental showed an interest in the candy, and gladly accepted it from James, then vanished back into its focus object (a pot of dirt). The class applauded, except for the Slytherins, who sneered at the childish treasures.

Rosier and Donner were up next. Ariane was a beautiful girl with long, silvery-blonde hair that nicely set off her silvery-gray eyes. Her lovely features were marred only by the disdainful sneer on her face. The pair glared at each during the casting but successfully summoned an air elemental, which took the form of a miniature whirlwind. The air spirits were particularly mischievous, and this one hurled itself against the bonds of the protective circle, causing the runes inscribed on the floor to glow bright red. But the circle held, and the elemental subsided sulkily. Ariane ordered it, "Go to the Headmaster and tell him: 'Donner and Rosier of Professor Blackmore's class send their regards'; then bring back his reply." The creature vanished, then a minute later, a gentle breeze blew through the classroom, and the class heard Dumbledore say clearly, "I commend Professor Blackmore on her students' fine work. Ten points each to Ravenclaw and Slytherin!" Rosier and Donner beamed at each other, momentarily forgetting their hostility, and the class applauded again, although the Gryffindors did so halfheartedly.

Sirius and his partner, a pretty blonde girl named Alys, fared less well. Apparently they had spent more time flirting than studying, because they made a mistake in one of the runes of the protective circle, and the fire elemental they summoned broke free. Fortunately, it was a very small and weak elemental, little more than a spark and a puff of smoke. However it managed to set fire to the hems of their robes--as Sirius cursed and Alys shrieked hysterically--before Professor Blackmore could dispel the creature. Severus cast an extinguishing spell, and Blackmore commended him on his quick thinking, awarding five points to Slytherin. To add insult to injury, she made Sirius and Alys thank Severus. Alys did so graciously, but Sirius could barely choke out the words as Severus smirked smugly. Lupin covered his mouth with his hand to hide a smile. Sirius was one of Lupin's best friends, and he loved him dearly, but Sirius was in his own way nearly as arrogant as Snape. Privately, he didn't think it would hurt his friend to be taken down a peg or two.

Finally, it was their turn. Lupin filled the bowl with water and mixed in the powdered fish scales, seaweed, and pearls. He set it down in the middle of the floor, and Severus drew the protective circle around it with red chalk. Then, together they chanted the incantation to summon the elemental. The water swirled in the bowl violently, then a blob of water about a foot in diameter popped out of the bowl and hovered in the air for a moment as it re-formed itself into a vaguely man-like shape. Lupin said, "We would offer you this, in exchange for a boon," and reached into his pockets and pulled out the trinkets they had collected: brightly colored marbles and stones (Lupin's contribution, similar to the ones in the "treasure chest"), and a few gold Galleons and pieces of costume jewelry (Severus's contribution; he had gotten the jewelry from a Slytherin girl in return for helping her with her Potions homework). The water spirit eyed the trinkets greedily and nodded. "Then please bring us some bloodlace moss from the bottom of the lake beside this castle." The elemental dove back into the bowl, then reappeared a few minutes later with a handful of the delicate red, lacy moss. It was a difficult-to-obtain ingredient used in many potions. Severus took the moss with a covetous look in his eyes, and the elemental claimed its reward from Lupin.

*** 

They were the last team to do their presentation, so they lingered behind to clean up after the other students left. The Professor left also, telling them to close up after they were done. As they mopped up spilled water and cleaned chalk-marks off the floor, Lupin said a little wistfully, "Well, the project's over. I suppose you must be relieved."

"That's right," said Snape gruffly. "No more working with Gryffindors." Blackmore had given them top marks, yet he felt let down, disappointed somehow...

"Still," said Lupin with a smile, "it was kind of fun, wasn't it?"

"'Fun' is not quite the word I'd use," Snape said sarcastically. Then he added grudgingly, "But you did pull your own weight, I must admit." Lupin gave his usual irritating grin in response. But it made Snape's heart feel lighter, and he wondered exactly when Lupin's smile had started having that effect on him.

"...get together?" he heard Lupin say, breaking his reverie.

"Huh?"

"I said, would you like to get together later tonight? You know, to celebrate the end of our project. It's the last day of class before the holidays, and there's going to be a trip to Hogsmeade this afternoon. We could get some snacks, meet up later..."

Snape's heart positively leaped in response. Still, he feigned reluctance, saying, "Well, I don't know..."

"Come on, Severus," Lupin cajoled. "One last time. You'll never have to work with me again, after all."

"Unless Professor Blackmore decides this was such a great idea that she'd like to try it again," pointed out Snape, though the thought didn't distress him nearly as much as it should. It didn't seem to distress Lupin much, either. 

"Please, Severus..." Lupin wheedled playfully.

Snape liked hearing Lupin beg, even in fun. He liked seeing Lupin's smile and the mischievous sparkle in his eyes. He liked that Lupin always called him "Severus" and never "Sev" (as Malfoy sometimes did in a patronizing manner) or "Sevie" (as Black did, solely to piss him off). _It's just this once, after all..._ he rationalized to himself.

"Oh, what the hell," he said aloud. "Why not? But your Gryffindor friends won't like it."

"They don't have to know."

Snape grinned. "You're more devious than I thought, Lupin. You might've made a good Slytherin after all."

"Heaven forbid," Lupin laughed. "But where can we meet? The library will be locked, and it's too cold to meet in the forest...uh, which of course is forbidden..."

"Of course." Snape mentally filed away for future use the admission that Lupin and his little friends did indeed sneak off the school grounds. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out the workroom key, slowly twirling it between his fingers. A small smile played around the corners of his mouth and there was a wicked little gleam in his eyes as he said, "Oh my, look here...Professor Blackmore forgot to ask for the key back."

"And if she remembers to ask for it later?"

"I'll just tell her we need a little more time to clean the room up. No reason for her doubt us; we are her most responsible students, after all."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still in flashback mode, Snape and Lupin’s romance develops over Christmas vacation.

Lupin laughed happily with his friends as they walked along the streets of Hogsmeade. Everyone was in a good mood, since Christmas was just a few days away. The other boys bought big bagfuls of sweets at Honeydukes, and some magic tricks at Zonko's. Lupin didn't have much money of course, but at least he had a few coins to spend, thanks to the Headmaster. From time to time, Dumbledore would pay him to run errands or do odd jobs, like organizing some files in the Headmaster's office, or helping to care for some sick birds in the Owlery. Lupin suspected these tasks weren't as vital as Dumbledore claimed they were, but he was grateful for the Headmaster's kindness since it meant having spending money at Christmas time. Lupin bought some treats, including Chocolate Frogs, Pepper Imps, and Chocoballs, because he knew Severus liked them. Finally, they ended up at at the Three Broomsticks for some hot Butterbeer.

"I bet you're glad you don't have to work with that nasty Slytherin anymore!" said Peter.

"He's not so bad, really," Lupin said defensively.

"Oh, come on, Remus!" snorted Sirius. "I know you try to be nice to everyone, but even you would be hard-pressed to find something nice to say about Snape."

"He's really smart; we got the top grade in the class. And he did put out the fire on your robes..."

"Don't remind me!" groaned Sirius. "How humiliating! I can't believe Blackmore made me thank the greasy git!"

"He is not 'greasy'!" 

The other boys stared at Lupin in shock. "Are you feeling all right, Moony?" asked James. "Snape didn't feed you some sort of brainwashing potion, did he?"

Lupin felt his cheeks burn, and he ducked his head as he took a sip of Butterbeer, letting his hair fall across his face to hide his blush. "He's not so bad," Lupin repeated weakly. "I mean, when we're alone, he doesn't act the way he does when the other Slytherins are around."

"How does he act, then?" James asked curiously.

"I dunno...normal, I guess. Nice, almost."

Unfortunately, Sirius had just taken a sip from his tankard as Lupin said that, and he choked, spraying the table and his friends with Butterbeer.

"Eewwww! Sirius, this is my good robe!" grumbled Peter, dabbing at his robe with a napkin.

Sirius was too busy coughing to reply, as James pounded his back. "Snape?" he said incredulously, when he was finally able to speak. "Normal? NICE!?"

Lupin wiped Butterbeer off his face with the sleeve of his robe. "I was really sick the day of the full moon," he said lowering his voice to a whisper so no one would overhear them. "I nearly collapsed. Well, I would have if Severus hadn't caught me. He really was helping me when we met you guys in the hall. He was worried about me."

"Worried about his grade, more like," scoffed Sirius.

"Well, never mind," said James hastily, attempting to forestall a quarrel between his friends. "If he helped you, for whatever reason, then I'm grateful, Remus." Lupin smiled and Sirius snorted, but remained silent. "Now, let's talk about more pleasant things!"

Lupin eagerly jumped at the chance to change the subject. "You mean, like your ski trip with Lily?" he asked slyly. 

James blushed. His family was going on a ski trip for the holidays, and had invited his girlfriend Lily to come along. "You could still come with us, Remy. I feel bad that you're staying here over the holidays alone."

Traveling home for the holidays was an extra expense Lupin's family couldn't afford. He usually stayed at Hogwart's with at least one or two of his friends, and once they all were invited to spend Christmas with James's family. Lupin laughed, saying, "Don't be silly, James! Two's company; three's a crowd. Have fun; don't worry about me."

Sirius and Peter looked embarrassed. Their families had insisted they come home this Christmas, but wouldn't let them invite Lupin. Their parents were old blood--not as wealthy or snobbish as the Malfoys or the Snapes, but they still looked down upon a young wizard of no distinguished family, who wore faded and patched robes. Sirius's face turned red; his mother had once said within Lupin's hearing that she'd heard "that ragamuffin boy is Dumbledore's charity case". He looked miserably at Lupin, saying, "I'm really sorry, Remus. I would've invited you to come home with me, but--"

"It's all right, Sirius, really," said Lupin gently. "I'll be fine. There's no reason to look so glum. Two weeks at school with no homework--sounds like heaven to me!" The other boys chuckled a little at that, and Lupin smiled. "I won't be bored. The Headmaster and Hagrid will be there, after all, and the house elves always prepare a great feast for Christmas." Talk turned to lighter things after that, and they were able to laugh and joke like normal until it was time to return to Hogwarts.

*** 

After dinner, Lupin slipped away to meet Severus. The other boys asked where he was going, of course, but Lupin just winked and said he had a few Christmas preparations to make. So they let him go without an argument, assuming he was working on their Christmas presents. Actually, he already had their presents wrapped and hidden away. He didn't have a lot of money to spend on presents, so he had made small wooden carvings for them: a grinning dog for Sirius (painted black), a plump rat for Peter, and of course a stag for James. The last, with its pronged antlers, had been the hardest to make, taking many long hours during which he'd had to hide from his friends to keep it a surprise.

He felt a little guilty about lying to his friends, but their reaction at the Three Broomsticks had proven they wouldn't understand. But his guilt was soon forgotten as he hurried to the workroom, his heart pounding with excitement. He didn't know why there was a nervous, fluttery feeling in his stomach, or why he felt a surge of adrenaline like he did when James and the others talked him into joining them on one of their illicit adventures. He and Severus weren't doing anything wrong, after all. They weren't even breaking curfew--since there were no classes tomorrow, there was no set bedtime for the students. He and Severus were just having a friendly little get-together; nothing to feel nervous about. No big deal.

Lupin found Severus already waiting for him at the workroom. He was pacing back and forth anxiously, but when he saw Lupin, he broke out in a smile that lit up his face and transformed it from sullen and homely into something striking and...well...handsome. Lupin realized then that he had never seen Severus smile--really smile--before, open and unreserved, without hiding behind a mask of sarcasm or arrogance. He felt his own smile grow wider in response; he was touched by the trust Severus placed in him, for he suspected that the Slytherin boy had never opened up to anyone like this before. He wanted to laugh and cry at the same time but did neither, and just stood there grinning like an idiot.

*** 

Snape paced back and forth as he waited for Lupin, worried that the other boy wouldn't show up. Not that he cared if some silly Gryffindor twit snubbed him. But his imagination conjured up an image of Lupin telling Potter and the rest of his gang, "Can you believe Snape really thought I wanted to hang out with him? He's probably still there waiting!" Then no doubt Black would scoff at "that stupid Slytherin git," and they would all laugh at him. But just then the door swung open, and there was Lupin. His face was slightly flushed and he was out of breath, as if he'd been running. _Running?_ wondered Snape. _Could he really be that eager just to see...me?_ Snape smiled, out of sheer relief, and Lupin smiled warmly back at him. The warmth of that smile made him slightly dizzy; after all those years of watching hungrily from the sidelines, he had never expected to see that smile directed at him. _At me!_ he exulted. _Not Potter, or Pettigrew, or Black, but ME!_

*** 

There was a slightly awkward moment as they stood there grinning at each other, then Lupin held out the bag of Honeyduke's candies, and Snape produced another bag filled with cookies and small cakes filched from the dinner table, and they sat in the middle of the room and shared out the sweets.

Lupin munched on a cake, festively frosted in Christmas colors of red and green, while Snape popped a Chocoball in his mouth and said, "Oh, I almost forgot!" He reached into his bag and pulled out two bottles, handing one to Lupin. It was still cold, with beads of moisture running down the sides of the bottle. 

"What is it?" Lupin asked. "Butterbeer?"

"Something better," said Snape proudly. "My own invention."

Lupin unscrewed the cap and peered inside. "You're not trying to poison me, are you?"

"You don't have to drink it if you don't want to," Snape said huffily.

"Oh, don't be mad, Severus. I was only joking."

Snape scowled, but Lupin smiled at him so sweetly he couldn't stay angry. "Cheers, then," he said, holding up his own bottle.

"Cheers," said Lupin, clinking his bottle against Snape's. He took a sip; it was sweet and fizzy, not unlike ginger ale, but with a slightly tart tang to it. "It's good!" he said, sounding startled.

"You needn't sound so surprised."

"I'm not surprised. Well, maybe a just a little..." Lupin smiled mischievously, and Snape was too dazzled by his smile to be offended. "Anyway, it really is good, Severus. What's in it?"

"It's a secret recipe," said Snape in a lofty tone. "But perhaps if you're nice to me, I'll share it with you."

Lupin just laughed and took another sip, feeling slightly giddy. "Does this have any alcohol in it?"

"No, why do you ask?"

"Er...no reason." The boys ate their sweets and idly talked about school and their classmates for awhile. Snape positively gloated about how Sirius's project had gone awry.

"Did you see his face when Blackmore made him thank me? I thought he was going to have a stroke!"

"Be nice, Severus," Lupin gently chided, then shivered, pulling his robe around himself more tightly. The classrooms weren't heated when school was not in session, and they hadn't wanted to attract attention by lighting a fire. It was quite cold, and Lupin's thin, nearly threadbare robes didn't do much to keep out the chill.

Snape frowned as he watched Lupin, feeling a little guilty; his robes, of course, were the best money could buy, made of plush black wool. Impulsively, he slipped his arms out of the sleeves of the voluminous garment and draped it over his shoulders like a cloak. Then he held open one end of the robe and said, "Come here." Lupin hesitated. "I don't bite," Snape said irritably. "Come on, unless you'd rather freeze."

Lupin slid over next to Snape and ducked under the robe. "Thanks, Severus," he said with a grateful smile.

Snape just grunted, shoving another piece of chocolate into his mouth so he would have an excuse not to reply. He didn't feel cold at all; in fact he felt flushed and overheated with Lupin pressed against his side. Under the pretext of wrapping the robe around Lupin more securely, he slipped his arm around the other boy. He waited for Lupin to push him away in disgust, but instead he sighed and snuggled closer, resting his head on Snape's shoulder. Snape froze for a moment, afraid to move, or even breathe, then lowered his own head slightly till he could feel Lupin's soft hair beneath his cheek. He gently pressed his lips against that silky-smooth hair, and when Lupin still didn't push him away, he grew bolder. He placed the fingertips of his free hand beneath Lupin's chin, tilted his face up, and kissed him on the mouth.

When he felt Severus's arm slip around him, Lupin felt warm in a way that had nothing to do with the robe they shared. He sighed contentedly, and without thinking, leaned against Severus, laying his head on the other boy's shoulder. He half expected Severus to push him away, but instead Snape (prickly, irritable Snape!) kissed him on the top of his head. He felt Severus's fingers gently tilt his head back, and he looked into his friend's black eyes for a moment, seeing no anger or arrogance, only tenderness mixed with a little awe, as if he could not quite believe that what he was seeing was real. As Lupin wondered what on earth about him could possibly make Severus look at him that way, the other boy kissed him full on the mouth. Lupin felt a brief moment of shock, then a sense of, well...rightness, was the word that came to mind, as if this was something that was supposed to happen; something as inevitable as night following day, or the sun coming out after the rain. Numerous snippets of memories (Snape following them around with hungry eyes, Snape's merciless taunting of Lupin, Snape's over-loud protests against working with a Gryffindor, Snape's concern when Lupin fell ill) suddenly fell into place like interlocking pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and made perfect sense as a whole. Lupin returned the kiss, a little awkwardly, but enthusiastically, tasting the sweetness of chocolate on the other boy's mouth and marveling at how soft Severus's lips were. He felt his partner's tongue hesitantly brush against his lips, and he moaned softly, involuntarily parting his lips and allowing Severus's tongue to slide between them, gently caressing and exploring inside his mouth. Lupin moaned again, the sound muffled by Severus's mouth over his; he'd had no idea kissing could feel so good. He had never kissed anyone before, and worried that he might not be doing it right, but Severus certainly didn't seem to mind. His black eyes were filled with an intensity and desire that frightened Lupin a little, but at the same time excited him. Their kisses grew less gentle and more urgent, and their hands began to caress each other, a little clumsy with inexperience, but neither boy cared...

*** 

"Don't go," Snape said, pulling Lupin back to him for one last kiss. Of course, he had already given Lupin a "last kiss" five kisses ago, but who was counting...?

Lupin laughed, a little breathlessly. Snape thought he looked beautiful, with his hair and robes disheveled, and his face flushed. "It's late, Severus. We have to get back or our housemates will be wondering where we are."

"Just a little longer," pleaded Snape, Slytherin pride forgotten for the moment. Lupin hesitated, and Snape used that moment of hesitation to steal another kiss.

"Mmm," murmured Lupin, seriously tempted to give in. Then he pulled away, straightening his robes and combing his hair with his fingers. "No, we really have to go now," he said firmly. "Sirius will blow a fuse if he finds out we've been together, and so will Malfoy."

"Screw Malfoy," Snape said recklessly. 

"I'd rather you didn't," Lupin said pertly, expecting Severus to laugh. Instead, some odd emotion Lupin couldn't read flared briefly in his black eyes, and Lupin felt a stab of jealousy. Although Slytherins were almost universally despised by the other Houses, Lucius Malfoy was so handsome that many girls (and discreetly, a few boys) from all the Houses sighed over him. He'd heard rumors that Malfoy freely dispensed his favors among both sexes, but surely he and Severus had never... _Where did Severus learn to kiss?_ a suspicious little voice in his head asked. Then Severus's arms closed around him, holding him tight, and he didn't care who Severus had been with in the past as long as he was with Lupin right now.

"But I won't see you again for two whole weeks," Snape protested, and Lupin felt his heart sink.

"Are you going home for Christmas, then?" Lupin asked. He had thought Severus usually spent the holidays at school, as he did.

"No, but aren't you going to stay with Potter again this year?" Snape said, unwittingly betraying just how closely he had monitored Lupin over the years.

"No, James is taking Lily home for Christmas. And Peter and Sirius's parents wanted them home for Christmas this year, so I'm the only one staying back this year." 

A huge grin spread across Snape's face. _I'll have Lupin all to myself for the holidays!_ he thought gleefully. "Well, in that case, I guess I can let you go," he said, giving Lupin one final last kiss.

*** 

When Snape got back to the Slytherin dormitory, the place was in an uproar. Malfoy and Rosier were shouting at each other in the common room, while the rest of the House watched with interest. "What the hell's going on?" he asked.

Crabbe stared at him blankly. "Where've you been, Snape? Lucius caught Evan going at it with Ariane Donner."

"The little hussy," sniffed Narcissa, a pretty blonde witch who was one of Snape's yearmates. 

"Rosier?" Snape asked incredulously. "And Donner!?" He remembered how Rosier had called Donner a "snooty bitch". (Though to be fair, that description also fit at least half of the girls in Slytherin.) "I thought they hated each other!" _Then again, I thought I hated Lupin, too..._

"...the integrity of this House!" Malfoy was shouting.

"We were just having a little snog, for chrissake!" Rosier shouted back. "It's not like I'm going to marry her or anything! And anyway, it's none of your business!"

Rosier's friend Wilkes said in a placating tone, "At least she's a Ravenclaw; it's not like he was shagging a Gryffindor or something. And Ariane is pretty hot..." Of all the Houses, Slytherin tolerated Ravenclaw the most, since they both shared a passion for knowledge, although the Ravenclaws tended to be more scrupulous about how they acquired it. 

Malfoy shot a glare at Wilkes. "You stay out of this!" he snarled, and went back to berating Rosier. Wilkes obeyed but looked a little puzzled, as if he couldn't understand why Malfoy was making such a big deal about it. After all, it wasn't as if Malfoy had never indulged across House lines himself.

Snape knew why; it was partly bad timing--Malfoy didn't want to encourage Blackmore's experiment in cooperation, but mostly it was because Rosier had defied him. Snape was a bit shocked himself; Rosier was one of Malfoy's most loyal followers, yet there he was arguing with Malfoy about a girl who wasn't even a Slytherin. And Rosier was a playboy, cutting a swathe through the girls in their House with his dark good looks; he used and discarded them without a second thought. If he was willing to take on Malfoy over Ariane, it was more than "a little snog" whether he realized it or not. Snape shrugged and went to his room, grateful that Rosier had unwittingly provided a distraction; no one cared now where Snape had been. He chuckled to himself, thinking, _Me and Lupin, Rosier and Donner...I don't think this is quite what Blackmore had in mind when she said she wanted to foster inter-House cooperation!_

*** 

Lupin exchanged presents with his friends the next morning, then went to see them off. They waved and shouted, "Goodbye! Merry Christmas!" as they boarded the carriages that would take them to the train station. As Lupin turned to walk back to the castle, he found Snape standing behind him. "Severus!" he exclaimed, startled but happy.

"Are all your little Gryffindor friends gone?" Snape asked.

Lupin nodded. "And Slytherin...?"

"All gone. I think there are a couple of Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs left, but we pretty much have the school to ourselves." Snape and Lupin grinned at each other. 

They headed back to the castle, kicking up little clouds of snow. Maybe it was just because he was in a good mood, but the school grounds looked like something out of a fairy tale to Lupin, all covered in a glittering layer of ice and snow. "Isn't it beautiful?" he asked, stopping to look around and admire the view.

"It's cold," Snape said pragmatically. "Come on, let's get back indoors where it's warm." He kept walking but when the other boy didn't follow, he looked back and saw Lupin bending down to scoop up some snow. "You had better not throw that thing at me," Snape warned. Lupin just grinned, mischief dancing in his blue eyes. "Lupin, don't you dare--!" His sentence was cut off as he got hit in the face by a snowball. Snape wiped snow off his face as Lupin broke out in laughter. Lupin looked beautiful, with his cheeks flushed from the cold and his eyes shining, but Snape resolved to show no mercy. He reached into his robes and pulled out his wand. 

"Hey, no fair using magic!" protested Lupin.

Snape grinned wickedly. "Since when do Slytherins play fair?" He waved his wand and muttered a quick charm, and snow leaped off the ground and into the air, forming a snowball that was nearly as large as Lupin.

"Severus! That's cheating!"

The snowball fell with a loud "FWOOMP!" and Lupin disappeared under a mound of snow. Snape doubled over with laughter, but when Lupin didn't emerge after a minute, he got worried. "Lupin? Are you all right?" he asked, reaching down to dig Lupin out from under the snow. Just then, a hand shot out and grabbed him, pulling him face first into the snow. Lupin jumped up, covered with snow but laughing triumphantly.

Snape spluttered and wiped off his face again. "All right, Lupin, you asked for it! This means war!"

*** 

Dumbledore chuckled as he looked out of one of the upper-story windows of the castle. Professor McGonagall, who happened to be passing by, asked, "What's so funny, Albus?" He motioned for her to come over, and she did. Looking out the window, she saw two boys laughing and pelting each other with snowballs. It was not an uncommon sight this time of year, except--

"Is that Severus Snape?" exclaimed McGonagall. "Playing in the snow?! With REMUS LUPIN?!" She rubbed her eyes, certain she must be seeing things.

Dumbledore chuckled again. "No, Minerva, you are not seeing things. It seems Branwen's little experiment has worked better than expected!

*** 

Lupin and Snape enjoyed a pleasant day together; there was no need to hide their friendship since all the other Gryffindors and Slytherins had gone home for the holidays. The only other students left were twin sisters from Ravenclaw and a boy from Hufflepuff. The sisters were quiet and close-knit, and kept to themselves; the Hufflepuff boy was a seventh-year who was worried about passing his N.E.W.T.S., so he spent most of his free time studying. None of them took any notice whatsoever of Lupin and Snape.

After dinner, Lupin suggested they go up to Gryffindor Tower together.

"Is it really okay for me to go up there?" asked Snape dubiously.

"Why not? No one else is around to see. And besides..." Lupin blushed and looked down at his feet. "I thought maybe you'd, um, like to stay the night. No sense in each of us staying alone in an empty dormitory..."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" exclaimed Snape, when he got over his shock. Lupin laughed, and the two boys practically ran all the way to the Tower.

"Password?" asked the Fat Lady when the got there.

"Joyeux Noel," Lupin replied.

The Fat Lady gave Snape a closer look. "He's not a Gryffindor, is he?"

"No ma'am," Lupin answered politely. "But all my Gryffindor friends are gone for the holidays, and it's a bit lonely without them."

"Poor dear," said the Fat Lady sympathetically. "Well, I suppose it's all right, then." Her portrait swung open, allowing them to enter.

"Thank you, ma'am," said Lupin.

"Thank you, madam," said Snape giving the portrait a courtly bow.

"Such polite boys," she beamed. "Bring your friend by anytime, dear."

Much later, Snape lay in bed, staring at Lupin as he slept. Snape thought he looked positively angelic as he lay there with a gentle smile on his lips, his golden-brown hair curling softly around his face. Snape reached out and stroked Lupin's cheek, letting his hand trail down Lupin's neck, across his shoulder, and along his bare arm, reveling in the feel of the smooth, warm skin beneath his hand. Snape looked down at his hand, resting on Lupin's arm and noted the contrast between them; they were both fair-skinned, but Lupin's skin was pinkish-fair, while Snape's was deathly white with an unhealthy-looking sallow tinge. Lupin was so beautiful, surely he could have his pick of lovers; Snape wondered why on earth the Gryffindor boy had chosen him. Snape had never had a lover, or even a real friend before. He'd had a brief fling with Malfoy the previous year, but had quickly come to regret it...

*** 

Malfoy knew he was destined to someday marry a girl of his parents' choosing, one from a family of wealth and good breeding, but in the meantime he saw no reason why he should not enjoy himself. And enjoy himself he did, quite often, with members of both sexes. For some reason, that year he had set his sights on Snape. God only knew why; one of his odd whims, probably. Although Snape didn't really like Malfoy, he was flattered by the older boy's attention, not to mention a little afraid of what might happen if he turned him down. It was nothing serious, little more than a few heavy-petting sessions, but that had been enough for Snape to decide he didn't want Malfoy as a lover. Malfoy refused to concede control to anyone, even in bed, and took a sadistic pleasure in inflicting pain on his playmates. Snape had experienced more than his fill of control and pain in his parents' house; experiencing them in bed as well held little appeal for him. However, breaking things off was a delicate matter...

"Are you turning ME down, Snape?" Malfoy asked, eyes narrowing, a dangerous edge to his voice.

"There is something I value more than your body, Lucius, delightful though it is," Snape replied coolly.

"Oh? And what, pray tell, might that be?" 

"Your respect." As Malfoy raised his eyebrows, Snape continued, "I have ambitions, Lucius, beyond being your plaything. I wish to advance my position in the wizarding world, and for that I need the respect of the Malfoy family. And I have noticed that you never sleep with anyone you truly respect." Actually, what he had really noticed was that Malfoy slept only with those weaker than himself; he never took into his bed anyone who had the potential to be his equal or better in power, magical or otherwise. But it would not be politic to imply that he might be stronger than Malfoy...

Malfoy laughed, "There is more to you than meets the eye, Sev!" He gave Snape a measuring look, as if seeing him for the first time. "You may be right; your talents lie someplace other than the bedchamber, I think. I will be keeping an eye on you, Severus..."

And as easily as that, Malfoy let him go. There were no further consequences, and Malfoy regarded him with a new degree of respect. For once, Snape was grateful for his mother's endless lessons in etiquette; it was she who had taught him to turn an insult into a compliment.

*** 

Snape's mind drifted back to the present. Lupin and Malfoy were as different as day and night. Where Malfoy was cold and calculating, Lupin was gentle and giving. Where Malfoy was skilled in the arts of passion, but cruel and domineering, Lupin was inexperienced, but touchingly eager to please, and willing to follow Snape's lead. In sleep, Lupin looked lovely but somehow fragile, and Snape worried about what might happen if Malfoy ever found out about the two of them. Snape could take care of himself, but Lupin was sickly, and a little too gentle and trusting for his own good. Malfoy was a sadistic but subtle bastard, the type who might decide to punish Snape by hurting his lover--and he would definitely consider a Slytherin taking a Gryffindor lover something worth punishing. _Then Malfoy will never find out about us,_ Snape silently resolved. He tenderly kissed the sleeping Lupin on the forehead, whispering, "Don't worry, Remus. I will always protect you."

*** 

When Lupin woke up the next morning, Snape was gone. Puzzled and a little hurt, he got dressed and went downstairs for breakfast. Dumbledore was the only one in the Great Hall that early, but the house elves had laid out a buffet table filled with bread, fruit, pastries, and other simple foodstuffs that the staff and students could help themselves to throughout the morning.

"Good morning, Remus," Dumbledore said with a smile.

"Good morning, Headmaster," Lupin replied, spreading some strawberry jam on a piece of bread. "Er...have you seen Severus this morning?"

"Yes, Hagrid went to Hogsmeade to pick up a few items for the Christmas feast tomorrow, and Mr. Snape asked if he could go along."

"Oh," said Lupin, taking a bite of his bread although he no longer felt hungry. He wondered why Severus hadn't asked him if he wanted to go too; they could have had fun together in Hogsmeade...

Dumbledore saw the gloomy expression on Lupin's face and said with a wink, "I believe he had some last-minute Christmas shopping he wanted to take care of..."

"Oh!" exclaimed Lupin. _Could Severus have gone out to buy me a present?_ he wondered. Then he realized, _Oh no! It's Christmas Eve and I don't have anything for him!_ "Excuse me, Headmaster, I just remembered something I have to do!"

"At least take some food with you, Remus," Dumbledore said as Lupin jumped to his feet and was about to bolt from the table. "We can't have our students going undernourished, now can we?" Lupin grabbed his half-eaten bread and an apple and ran back to his dorm room as the Headmaster chuckled to himself.

*** 

Lupin opened the trunk at the foot of his bed, and began sorting through the scraps of wood he had set aside for carving. He didn't have time to do anything complicated, but he wanted the gift to be something special...then he came across a round, flat piece of wood and had an idea. He smiled, took out his pen knife, and began carving.

*** 

Lupin spent most of the day working on the carving, and Snape left him alone. Perhaps he suspected Lupin was working on his Christmas present, or maybe he had preparations of his own to make. Lupin had the present finished and wrapped by dinnertime. After dinner, they headed back to Gryffindor Tower together, and Snape burst out laughing when he saw Lupin's room: it was festooned with numerous sprigs of mistletoe.

"Silly git," Snape laughed, pulling Lupin close for a kiss. "I don't need an excuse to kiss you!"

"I figured it couldn't hurt," Lupin replied, leaning into the embrace. He had never seen Severus look this happy and relaxed before. He knew better than to think this unguarded mood would continue after the other students returned, so he resolved to enjoy every moment of their Christmas vacation.

*** 

The next morning, Lupin insisted that they open their presents together. Snape wasn't particularly enthusiastic about opening his--they were the same things he got every year: a new set of robes and a pouch of gold coins from his parents, and the usual obligatory gifts (mainly sweets) from classmates who owed him favors or wanted to suck up to him. But he enjoyed watching the pleasure on Lupin's face as he opened his gifts: a sweater and homemade cookies from his parents, a book on Quidditch from Potter, a deck of Exploding Snap cards and a small protective amulet from Black ("To protect you from that sneaky Slytherin snake" the enclosed note read). Lupin hastily crumpled up the note; Snape saw it but just grinned, taking great pleasure in knowing how outraged Black would be if he could see Snape lounging in the Gryffindor dorm with his best friend. Lupin smiled, relieved that Snape wasn't angry, as he unwrapped his next gift, a tin of cookies from Hagrid.

"At least, I think they're cookies," said Lupin, tentatively hefting one of them. "They feel more like rocks. Oh well, I can always feed them to Killer."

Snape snorted. "You'll probably poison the poor dog."

Lupin shrugged. "He's survived Hagrid's cooking so far." He unwrapped his last present, which turned out to be a box of Ice Mice from Pettigrew, and burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"Er...it's sort of an inside joke," said Lupin evasively. "Have one?"

Snape gave him a suspicious look, but decided not to pursue the matter, it being Christmas and all. _I must be going soft,_ he grumbled to himself. Snape took one of the candies, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a small package and thrust it at Lupin, saying gruffly, "Here." 

"Why, thank you, Severus," Lupin said with a smile, and opened the present. It was a circular piece of clear, polished quartz enclosed within a band of gold and strung on a thin, gold chain. There was an odd-looking glyph etched into the center of the crystal. Lupin held it up by the chain, letting it slowly spin around and catch the light. "Severus, it's beautiful!" he exclaimed.

 _He likes it,_ Snape thought with a sigh of relief. "Quartz is supposed to amplify magical energy," he said, "and the rune is for good luck."

"It's the best present I've ever gotten," declared Lupin, giving him a hug and a kiss. Snape felt quite smug, knowing that Lupin liked his present best, better than the presents he got from Potter and the others. 

"I have something for you, too," Lupin said hesitantly. "But it's not nearly as nice as yours..." Lupin's voice trailed off. He felt embarrassed now; maybe Severus wouldn't like his crude, homemade present...

"You got a present for me?" Snape asked, sounding so pleased that Lupin smiled despite himself.

"It's not much, but...Merry Christmas, Severus." Lupin handed Snape the present and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Snape eagerly tore off the wrapping, revealing a flat, wooden disc strung like a pendant on a piece of black cord. The disc was carved with the symbol of Slytherin House: a serpent rampant. The workmanship was incredible--each tiny scale had been etched in intricate detail. "You made this?" he asked in awe.

"Yes, my father taught me to carve and whittle." He motioned to a chess set laid out on a nearby table. "Dad and I carved those; his are much better than mine, though."

Snape looked at the little chessmen and horses; he couldn't see any differences between the pieces--they all looked like they could spring to life at any moment. "Amazing," he said.

"You like your present, then?" Lupin asked anxiously.

"I love it," Snape replied, feeling tears sting his eyes; no one had ever made something special just for him. He blinked hard to keep them from falling.

"Merry Christmas, Severus."

"Merry Christmas, Remus."

*** 

Everyone had a wonderful time at dinner that day; despite the fact that only a few students and teachers had remained at school, the house elves laid out a splendid feast. And of course there were the traditional wizard crackers; Lupin made Snape wear the top hat that emerged from the cracker they pulled. Snape complained vociferously, of course, but Lupin could tell that he was secretly enjoying himself. Even Professor Blackmore got into the holiday spirit, putting a miniature party hat on Bane's head. The raven gave her a look of disgusted disbelief, but the two Ravenclaw girls made much of him, petting the bird and telling him how handsome he looked. Then Bane settled down, puffing out his chest feathers with pride, and deigned to accept the girls' praise and the tidbits they fed him, while Blackmore looked on in amusement. However, when Hagrid, emboldened by several cups of wine, began making overtures towards the pretty Incantations teacher, Bane immediately went into protective mode and gave Hagrid's hand a sharp peck. Hagrid gave the bird a dirty look as Madam Pomfrey led him off to the hospital wing and everyone else at the table tried to stifle their laughter.

*** 

The rest of the holidays passed quickly. The two boys spent every waking moment together, and most of their sleeping moments as well; Snape had all but moved into the Gryffindor dorm room. One night, they lay in each other's arms, tired but not willing to give in to sleep yet; they wanted to savor every moment they had left together since the holidays were almost over. Snape stroked Lupin's long brown hair, whispering, "You're so beautiful, Remus."

"So are you, Severus," Lupin whispered back.

Snape scowled. "No need to flatter me, Lupin," he said sharply. 

Lupin blinked, looking hurt. "Why are you angry?" he asked.

"I don't like being lied to, even if you're trying to be nice."

"Why do you think I'm lying?" Lupin asked, sounding sincerely puzzled.

"Greasy hair, for one thing," Snape said, still scowling.

"Shiny," corrected Lupin with a smile, running his hands through Snape's hair with obvious pleasure. "And black as a raven's wing."

"Beaky nose," continued Snape, still scowling, but beginning to look a little unsure of himself. 

"Distinguished," Lupin replied, kissing the tip of his nose. "Hawklike."

Snape blushed. "Corpse-white skin," he said, not sure whether Lupin was making fun of him or not. 

"Alabaster," Lupin said, kissing his chest. "White as snow."

"If snow were jaundiced," muttered Snape. "Though you certainly are poetic, I'll give you that." He no longer looked angry; rather, he had the wary look of a dog who hopes to be petted but expects to be kicked.

Lupin cradled Snape's face between his hands and looked directly into his eyes. "Severus," he said, his voice serious now, "I love the way you look, though I prefer your smile to your frown. I love your passion for knowledge. I love your Slytherin wit, even when it's directed against me. I love everything about you. I love YOU, Severus."

Snape's eyes went wide with shock, and he sat up with a jerk, pulling out of Lupin's grasp.

Lupin looked at him with concern, hesitantly reaching out to lay a hand on Snape's shoulder. "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, Severus. I know this all has happened so fast, but I--"

"It's not that," Snape interrupted. "It's just..." He paused, blinking back tears. "It's just that no one's ever said that to me before."

"Oh, Severus..." Lupin whispered. The sneer, the scowl, the Slytherin arrogance had completely vanished from Snape's face. For once his face was completely open, looking as young and vulnerable as a child's. It made Lupin feel infinitely tender and sad at the same time; what kind of childhood had Severus had, to put such pain in his eyes, to make him regard the words "I love you" with such disbelief? "Not even your family?" he asked softly.

"No," Snape said in a barely audible voice. "No one."

"I love you, Severus," said Lupin, gently stroking Snape's cheek. When Snape still looked doubtful, he said, "I will always love you," trying to put all his love and sincerity into those words.

Snape pulled Lupin to him and held him so tightly that he knew he must be hurting the other boy, but he couldn't help himself. Lupin didn't object; he simply returned the embrace. Snape buried his face in Lupin's soft hair, saying "Remus, I--" He wanted to say, "I love you, too," but choked on the words, unable to get them out of his mouth no matter how hard he tried.

Lupin seemed to understand, though. "It's all right, Severus," he whispered soothingly, stroking Snape's back as if he were comforting a distraught child. "You don't have to say the words until you're ready." Snape trembled in Lupin's arms, not understanding the wave of desperation that threatened to overwhelm him. Lupin continued to hold him, whispering gentle endearments, rocking him back and forth until finally he fell asleep.

*** 

[I hear a voice say  
"Don't be so blind"  
It's telling me all these things that you would probably hide  
Am I your one and only desire?  
Am I the reason you breathe?  
Or am I the reason you cry?  
Always...always...always...always...always...always  
\--"Always" by Saliva]

Those two weeks were the happiest of Snape's life. In hindsight, if he had known how brief that happiness would be, he would have cherished it more at the time...

It became much more difficult for them to spend time alone together when school started again. Their project was over, so they had no excuse to see each other outside of class. They had only brief stolen moments of furtive kisses and caresses in the library stacks or in empty classrooms, with the constant risk of being discovered by a teacher, or worse, one of their housemates. Malfoy watched everything that went on in Slytherin House with a close eye, although at present he was somewhat distracted by Evan Rosier, whom he suspected of secretly carrying on with Ariane Donner. Lupin's friends, though, were beginning to become a little suspicious of his frequent absences.

After a week or two, Lupin got sick again and was absent from class for a couple of days. And Snape began to wonder once more, what exactly was Lupin's mysterious illness? And if he was sick, why wasn't he in the hospital wing when Snape contrived an excuse ("accidentally" cutting himself while chopping ingredients in Potions class) to go there? He was unable to talk to Lupin about it when he returned to class because Potter, Pettigrew, and Black formed a protective circle around their friend every time Snape tried to get near him. Lupin just gave him an apologetic smile and a helpless shrug, as if to say, "What can I do?"

They got some relief when Dumbledore assigned them to a project of his own "since you two worked so well together before". He claimed he had a storeroom full of old books that needed cataloging and sorting, and assigned the task to Lupin and Snape. That gave them the opportunity to spend an hour or two alone together almost every day, although they still couldn't do anything more than steal a few kisses because the Headmaster would often pop in unannounced to see "how things are coming along". Though suspiciously, he would make a great deal of noise before entering the room, as if to warn them he was coming. 

_Surely he doesn't suspect..._ Snape wondered, then dismissed the idea as ridiculous. The Headmaster would hardly be helping two teenage boys carry on an illicit affair! No doubt he simply wanted to continue fostering "inter-House cooperation". Whatever Dumbledore's reasons were, the two boys enjoyed the chance to share each other's company. Although he certainly missed the nights he spent in Lupin's bed, Snape was happy just to be near his...lover? Friend? He wasn't quite sure which Lupin was; both, perhaps. He had never before had anyone he could trust or confide in, and it still seemed like a miracle to Snape that Lupin cared about him.

*** 

Of course, neither the Gryffindors nor the Slytherins were happy about the arrangement. Potter and his gang loudly bemoaned the fact that their friend was being "forced to work with that slimy Slytherin," and Malfoy reproached Snape for doing too well on Blackmore's project.

"It might have been better if you had not done so well," Malfoy lectured. "If you had deliberately messed up the project and proven to Blackmore that her experiment was a failure--"

"Then she would have flunked me, and my father would have killed me," whined Snape. "Do you think I'm happy about working with that shabby little wizard?" Malfoy gave him a suspicious look that said he was indeed wondering if that were true. With long practice, Snape kept the scowl on his face and hid his fear, continuing in that same whiny tone, "That rotten little git is probably laughing at me behind my back! He plays the teacher's pet, acting so sweet and innocent and cooperative--'Oh, of course I'll work with the Slytherin, Headmaster'--but all the while he and Potter and Black and that little toad Pettigrew are conspiring to get me in trouble! I know it was Black who sneaked the porcupine quills into my cauldron during Potions class and caused it to melt! And during the last Quidditch match Potter deliberately knocked me off my broom, though of course he said it was an accident. Accident--hah! I could've been killed--" 

Snape continued ranting on in this vein for about five minutes until Malfoy's eyes glazed over and he said impatiently, "Oh, shut up, Snape! It's your own fault, so quit whining! You've made your bed, now lie in it." Malfoy's words brought to mind an image of him lying in bed with Lupin, and Snape hastily fled the room before he burst out laughing.

*** 

Snape and Lupin even began having very public arguments to keep people from suspecting the truth. It became a kind of game for them. Snape jostled Lupin in the hallway one morning between classes, causing him to drop his books. "Watch where you're going, you clumsy git," snarled Snape.

"You did that on purpose!" Lupin said accusingly.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

Lily Evans gave Lupin a surprised look. "I thought you and Snape had gotten to be, well, kind of...sort of...friendly?"

"Who'd want to be friends with a Slytherin?" Lupin said, with exaggerated volume and scorn. It took every ounce of willpower he had to keep from bursting into laughter.

 _Don't overdo it,_ Snape said silently, giving Lupin a warning glance. Aloud he retorted, "Who'd want to be friends with a self-righteous Gryffindor prig?"

"Enough!" said Professor Blackmore, opening her office door and leaning out into the hall. "Move along before you all get detention!"

The students hastily continued walking down the corridor, Pettigrew clapping Lupin on the shoulder, delighted that he had finally seen Snape for the snake that he was. Potter had a slightly bemused look on his face, and Black...Black lingered behind, giving Lupin a long, suspicious look before hastening to catch up with his friends.

"Oh my," Professor Flitwick said nervously as he watched the students leave. He had been having a cup of tea with Blackmore when the commotion started. "Perhaps we should tell Albus he ought to separate those two before they hurt each other."

Blackmore snorted in a very unladylike manner. "Oh, I hardly think that will be necessary," she said dryly.

*** 

As Lupin and Snape sorted through the hodgepodge of books--everything from fairy tales to Muggle novels to textbooks on magic--they lamented the need to hide their relationship and made fanciful plans for the future.

"I wish I could tell James and Sirius and Peter about us," Lupin said mournfully as he packed several fat, leather-bound tomes ("The Complete Works of Shakespeare") into a box and logged the titles into his notebook.

Snape picked up a grimy-looking book and blew on the cover, raising a cloud of dust. He coughed and said, "You'd be ostracized by your House."

"But if they got to know you like I do--"

"I don't wish to know any of them the way I 'know' you," said Snape, leering at Lupin.

"You know what I mean!" laughed Lupin.

"I hate to disillusion you, Lupin, but I don't like your friends any more than they like me. You're the only Gryffindor I've met who's not a sanctimonious prig." Lupin sighed unhappily, and Snape felt a bit guilty. "They just wouldn't understand, Remus. If they didn't turn against you, they'd probably try to kill me to protect your virtue."

"Too late for that," said Lupin, snuggling close and giving him a kiss.

Snape smirked and kissed him back. When they came up for air, he added, "And if your friends didn't kill me, Malfoy would."

Lupin sighed again.

"It's just until we graduate," Snape said. "Once we're adults we can do what we please and to hell with the rest of them."

"What about your family?" Lupin asked. "Won't they object to you taking a Gryffindor, and a poverty-struck one at that, as a lover?"

"Oh, they'll probably disown me," Snape replied airily. "Not just because you're a Gryffindor, but because you're male, and I'm supposed to marry whatever cold-blooded bitch they pick out for me and make more little Snapes to carry on the family name. But I don't care. The Potions Master says I'm the most talented student he's had in decades. I can easily get a job as an apothecary; we could even open our own potions shop: 'Lupin and Snape'." He frowned. "Or maybe, 'Snape and Lupin'." 

Lupin laughed. "I have no talent for potion-making, Severus."

"Well, you could sell charms or counter-curses, then," Snape said, undaunted.

Lupin smiled and said, "Will we have a little cottage with a picket fence and a dog?"

"Well, I was thinking more like an apartment over the shop. But we could get a dog if you want one, I suppose." Snape frowned again and added, "But NOT one of Hagrid's!"

"But it would make such a good watchdog..."

*** 

Things went well until Lupin started looking ill again a few weeks later. He told Snape, "I won't see you tomorrow, Severus. I'm, um, going out of town for a few days."

"What for?" Snape asked, more sharply than he'd intended. "Your mysterious illness?"

Lupin nodded, looking miserable. "Yes, I'm...getting treatment for my illness."

"Oh?" Snape asked in an icy tone. "And where are you going? What doctor are you seeing? And just what do you have, anyway?" Lupin remained silent. "Damn you, Lupin! You said you loved me!"

"I do, Severus!" 

"Then why won't you trust me?!" Snape shouted.

"I do, Severus," Lupin said, tears welling in his eyes. "But...I'm supposed to keep my illness confidential. I promised Dumbledore."

"What on earth do you have?" exclaimed Snape. Then his eyes narrowed, and his voice went soft, but with an undertone of menace. "Potter and the others know...don't they? You won't tell me, but you told them."

"I didn't tell them, Severus," Lupin said hoarsely. "They found out on their own."

"But they know. Am I less trustworthy than them?"

"No, Severus," Lupin whispered. 

"Then tell me!" roared Snape. Lupin began to look frightened, and Snape hated himself for putting that look on Lupin's face, and hated Lupin for being afraid of him.

"Give me more time, Severus," Lupin begged. "I'll tell you, Severus, I swear, but I need more time. Severus, please..."

His blue eyes looked so anguished that Snape reluctantly gave in. "All right, but I won't wait forever."

Lupin took a deep breath. "When I return from my...trip...I'll tell you. I promise." He flung himself into Snape's arms, and Snape returned the embrace, but something inside him was already beginning to pull away from Lupin in distrust.

*** 

Lupin was close to tears as he left the storeroom and headed back to his dorm. He was so scared; scared he'd lose Severus if he told him the truth, and scared he'd lose him if he didn't. He had been so caught up in the joy and heady thrill of first love that he had almost forgotten he was a werewolf, as ludicrous as that sounded. He had been a fool to think he could put off this day; it was clear he had to tell Severus the truth. _But what if he hates me? What if he thinks I'm a monster?_ a terrified little voice inside him whimpered. _He won't think that,_ Lupin tried to reassure himself. _He knows more about dark magic than anyone I know. He of all people should know that a werewolf is simply a normal human being under a curse. As long as I am confined during the full moon, there is no danger. Someday there might even be a cure, or at least a way to control it..._ James and the others had proven that; when his Animagus friends were with him, he was able to hold on to a semblance of sanity. They couldn't tell anyone about it now, but maybe someday, when they were full-fledged wizards, they would be able to come forward and find a way to help others like Lupin. But in the meantime, he had to figure out a way to break the news to Severus. _I can't just say, "Oh, by the way, Sev, did you know I'm a werewolf?"_ Then a thought occurred to him: _The Headmaster! Maybe he can help me! He knows about us, I'm sure of it._ Why else would he have arranged for Lupin and Snape to spend time alone together, checking up on them frequently enough to act as a chaperone, but always giving them time to compose themselves before he entered the room? _He approves of us being together; I'm sure he'll help us,_ Lupin thought with relief. _If I explain that Severus already suspects, I'm sure he'll let me tell him the truth. And he can help me break it to Severus gently..._ Severus respected Dumbledore as he respected no one else, and if the Headmaster calmly explained things to him, everything would be all right. Lupin sighed, the tension seeping out of his body. _Yes, I'll talk to the Headmaster after the full moon, and he'll help me set things right..._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Shrieking Shack incident shatters Snape and Lupin's fragile relationship. Snape joins the Death Eaters in revenge, but quickly comes to regret it.

A couple of nights later, Snape prowled the halls of Hogwarts restlessly. Although he and Lupin had made up, a feeling of uncertainty gnawed away at his happiness. A cynical little voice in his head kept saying, _What is he hiding from you? How can you trust a Gryffindor? He's still friends with your enemies, after all. How could someone as wonderful as Lupin ever love someone like you?_ That last question bothered him the most. Snape had many faults but vanity was not one of them; he was painfully aware that he was homely and ill-tempered. He really didn't understand why Lupin put up with him at all. Maybe that was why he still hated Lupin's friendship with the three Gryffindor boys. Snape supposed it was irrational and selfish of him to want Lupin to break off with Potter, Black, and Pettigrew, but he wanted Lupin all to himself; he didn't want Lupin to love anyone but him, not even as a friend.

He didn't realize his meanderings had taken him in the direction of Gryffindor Tower until he literally ran into Sirius Black.

"Oof!"

"Sorry," Snape started to say, then saw it was Black he had bumped into, and changed his apology to a snarl of, "Watch where you're going, Black!"

"Why don't you watch where YOU'RE going, Sevie?" Black sneered. "Why are you snooping around Gryffindor Tower, anyway?"

Snape looked around, startled, as he realized where he was. But he quickly composed himself and said, "None of your business. And if you call me 'Sevie' one more time I'll blast you through that wall!" He reached for his wand as if to make good on his threat, but Black just leaned against said wall and smiled.

"Ah, but if you do that, you'll never find out where Remus is," Black purred. Snape froze, and Black smirked to himself as he saw his remark had hit home. 

"I--I don't know what you mean," stammered Snape.

"Oh, I think you do...Sevie. Why else are you here, if you're not looking for Remus?"

"Why would I be looking for him here?" Snape blustered. "He's gone out of town."

"Is that what he told you? Shows how much you know," Black said in such a snide tone of superiority that Snape just barely restrained himself from punching Black in the face. "Shows how much he trusts you," Black added, smirking again as he saw Snape flinch.

"And I suppose you know?" growled Snape, clenching his fists.

"Of course. If you want to know his secret, go to the Whomping Willow and prod the knot on the trunk with a long stick. A tunnel will open up; you'll find lover boy at the end of it." Snape flinched again, and Black's eyes narrowed as his suspicions were confirmed.

"You're delusional, Black!" shouted Snape, his face turning red. "And why should I trust you, anyway? You've probably set up an ambush for me!"

"Am I?" asked Black softly. "Do you think I haven't noticed the way you've been sniffing around Remy? Do you think I haven't noticed the way he looks at you? Remus is too soft, too trusting, too easily misled...he wants to see the good in everyone, even a slimy git like you. He's my best friend, my blood brother, and I won't let him be hurt by the likes of you."

"So you admit it's a trap!" 

Black shrugged. "No, I just want you to see each other for what you really are. He's not what you think he is, and you're definitely not what he thinks you are."

"You're talking in riddles, Black!"

"Go or don't go, I don't care," Black said, sauntering off casually. Then he paused and looked over his shoulder, adding, "But if you don't go, you'll never know the truth, will you?"

As Snape turned and ran, he could hear Black's mocking laughter echoing behind him.

*** 

A little later, James and Peter came to meet Sirius, as they usually did on the nights Remus transformed. James let his invisibility cloak slide off his head and rest on his shoulders as he asked, "What are you snickering about?"

"Snape," said Sirius, still chortling to himself. "Boy, will he get a surprise when he gets past the Whomping Willow! I'll bet he never bothers us again!"

"What?" exclaimed James. "What did you tell him, Sirius?!"

"I told him how to get past the Whomping Willow and find Moony," said Sirius defiantly, his dark eyes glittering strangely.

"Why on earth would you do that?!" James shouted.

"To scare Snape away from Moony; even Snape will be too scared to tangle with a werewolf. And to show Moony what Snape is really like; Snape would never accept him the way we do. Better for him to see Snape's true colors now than get hurt later--"

"You fool!" screamed James. "You'll get them both killed!" When Sirius just stared at him uncomprehendingly, James said, "Remus can't control himself when we're not around--he could kill Snape! And if he kills someone, the Ministry of Magic will probably execute him!"

Sirius turned pale. "No! They wouldn't--"

James didn't have time to stand around and argue. "Get Dumbledore, now!" he ordered Peter, who was standing there with his mouth hanging open. Without waiting to see if Peter obeyed, James ran as fast as he could towards the Shrieking Shack.

*** 

[I see the blood all over your hands  
Does it make you feel more like a man?  
Was it all just a part of your plan?  
\--"Always" by Saliva]

When the tunnel ended, Snape found himself in a small room. Lupin lay huddled on the floor, surrounded by broken furniture--the place looked like a cyclone had hit it. "Remus?" Snape asked softly. "Are you all right?"

Lupin looked up with a start. In his eyes, Snape saw guilt, fear, and horror all jumbled together. "How did you get here?!" Lupin demanded.

"So nice to see you too, Lupin," Snape said sarcastically. "Black told me how to find you."

"Sirius did?!" Lupin cried out, a look of disbelief and betrayal in his eyes. Snape felt a surge of dark satisfaction; Black's little plan had backfired...Lupin would turn against his faithless friend--maybe the others as well, if Snape could convince him that they were all involved (and for all Snape knew, they were). Then Lupin would finally, completely, be his...

"Get out!" screamed Lupin.

"What?" asked Snape, startled and hurt.

"Get out now, Severus!" Lupin shrieked. "Hurry, before it's too late!" Then he fell to the floor, writhing in pain.

"Remus!" Snape bent down to try and help his lover, but Lupin shoved him away so hard he was flung painfully back against the wall. _How can Lupin be so strong when he's too weak to stand?!_ He stared down at Lupin, finally realizing that something was very, very wrong...

"Get out!" repeated Lupin, his hysterical scream turning into a low growl. Snape watched in horrified fascination as Lupin's body twisted and reformed itself: fur sprouted on his skin, his hands curled into clawed paws, his face lengthened into a muzzle...and suddenly a large wolf stood before him. A large wolf with light brown fur and blue eyes...blue eyes which were rapidly losing their humanity.

"Oh God," whispered Snape, slowly backing away. The wolf pounced and landed on his chest, knocking him to the floor. He managed to grab the beast's head, struggling to keep those jaws away from him as razor sharp teeth snapped shut a mere inch above his face. He felt something hot and wet trickle down his cheek and realized it was the wolf's saliva dripping from its slavering jaws. He dug his fingers into the thick fur and his arms trembled with the strain of holding the werewolf back; the beast was too strong, he wouldn't be able to keep this up much longer... "Please, Remy, please," he whimpered.

For just a moment, a flicker of sanity returned to those blue eyes, and the wolf hesitated. Just then, someone shouted, "Expelliarmus!" and the wolf was flung back, crashing into a broken table. Then James Potter was pulling him to his feet and dragging him back into the tunnel.

*** 

A subdued-looking Pettigrew and Black were waiting for them at the end of the tunnel, along with Dumbledore. Snape had been in a daze as Potter dragged him to safety, but now reality was beginning to sink in, and he began to shake uncontrollably. Dumbledore wrapped a thick, warm cloak around him and put an arm around his shoulders as he said gently, "Come to my office and I will explain everything, Severus."

When Dumbledore finished talking, Snape began to tremble again, this time in anger instead of shock. The cynical voice in his head said triumphantly, _I told you not to trust him! I told you he lied to you! He never loved you at all; it was just a trick..._ while another part of him wailed in despair. His black eyes filled with hate, he glanced wildly about the room and shouted, "You played me for a fool--all of you!"

Dumbledore said calmly, "Only Sirius was involved, Severus, and he will be punished. The others didn't know--"

"They're liars!" screamed Snape. 

"It's your own fault!" Black said, with the stubborn look of someone who knows he's wrong but can't admit it. "If you hadn't gone chasing after Remus--"

"Be silent, Mr. Black," the Headmaster said coldly. "You are in quite enough trouble as it is." 

"You'll be expelled for this, Black!" Snape snarled, salvaging what little pleasure he could from this fiasco. "Maybe even sent to prison for attempted murder--" Black would argue that it was merely a prank, no doubt, but Snape was sure his father could exert enough influence on a judge to get a conviction...

"Mr. Black will have detention for the rest of the year, and Gryffindor will lose one hundred points--"

"But the House Cup--" wailed Pettigrew.

"Shut up, Peter!" hissed Potter.

"--but none of you shall ever speak of this incident to anyone, do you understand me, Mr. Snape?"

"BUT HE TRIED TO KILL ME!" screeched Snape.

"He played a stupid, thoughtless prank that could indeed have gotten you killed," said Dumbledore. "And for that, I would expel him except that I would have to explain to his parents and the staff why he was expelled." Snape went pale and the Headmaster saw that he understood. "Remus would at best be expelled as well, and at worst killed or confined to Azkaban as a dangerous monster. And Remus is innocent of any wrongdoing."

"I'm not so convinced of that," Snape muttered, his heart sinking. Lupin had still remained close to his friends even after he and Snape became an item. What had he told them about Snape? Were all those sweet words and kisses just a lie? Had it all just been a trick to lull his suspicions and lure him into a trap? His gaze turned towards Black. Black, who had been so possessive and jealous of Lupin...unbidden an image sprang into his mind of Lupin and Black in bed together, laughing scornfully at Snape. ("I can't believe I let that slimy git touch me," shuddered imaginary-Lupin while imaginary-Black sneered, "I can't believe that idiot actually believed you really wanted him!") 

"You know better than that," chided Dumbledore, interrupting his thoughts. "You know Remus isn't capable of something like that."

"Do I?" asked Snape coldly. "I didn't know he was a werewolf; what else don't I know about him? I won't press criminal charges against Black, but I want him expelled. If Lupin has to be expelled as well, that's fine with me!" _No!_ screamed the despairing part of him, but he ignored it. "Make up whatever story you like, but expel them. Both of them." 

"No," said Dumbledore.

"No?" Snape asked incredulously.

"I won't let harm come to an innocent boy just so you can get your revenge on Mr. Black. And I think you would regret it later, when you are able to think more rationally."

"What if I just tell everyone that Lupin is a werewolf?" Snape asked recklessly. "What will you do then?"

"Snape!" Potter shouted.

"You will do no such thing, Mr. Snape," said Dumbledore sternly. "Or you will be expelled as well."

"WHAT?! I'm the victim here!"

"Yes, you are. But so is Remus. I would hate to do it, but I will if I have to. I am not bluffing, Severus."

For the second time that night, Snape felt his heart break. "I trusted you," he whispered accusingly.

"And Remus trusted you," Dumbledore said, still stern, but a little sympathy crept into his voice.

"No he didn't," Snape said bitterly. "He didn't trust me with his precious secret." He wanted to cry, but held the tears back by force of will. He had not wept since he was six years old, and his father had punished him for some childish tantrum with a pain-giving curse. "A Snape does not cry," his father had said as he slowly increased the pain. So he was able to hold his head up high now and say scornfully, showing no sign of the pain he felt, "I can see that it is useless to argue with you, Headmaster; you will protect your Gryffindor pets at any cost. I will keep my silence. But--" He swept his gaze around the room to include the three boys. "--be certain that I will not forget this slight." And with that, Snape turned and stalked out of the room.

*** 

After Snape left, Dumbledore turned wearily to Black and said, "I am very, very disappointed in you, Sirius. I think you still do not fully comprehend the magnitude of what you have done. Do you understand that two innocent people could have died because of your actions?"

"Snape's not innocent--" protested Black.

"Mr. Black!" Dumbledore roared in anger.

Black flinched; the Headmaster had always played the role of the kindly old wizard--he had never seen Dumbledore this angry before. "I only meant to scare him," Black whispered. "I didn't think that Remus might really hurt him--I didn't think at all." He hung his head in shame. "I never stopped to think that Remy might be punished for what I had done. You can do whatever you like to me, but please don't let anything happen to Remus."

"Mr. Snape will keep his word," Dumbledore said, but still looked deeply troubled. "No action will be taken against Remus."

Black was doubtful about trusting in Snape's word, but sensed it would be best not to press the issue right now. "I just wanted to protect Remus," he said quietly, still wanting to defend himself somehow. "I thought Snape might hurt him. I just wanted to scare him away from Remy, that's all."

"In trying to protect your friend, you have hurt him--no, both of them--worse than you could ever imagine, Sirius. I hope things may be still be set right, but I fear you have destroyed two lives today." Black opened his mouth to speak, but Dumbledore cut him off. "No, I see you do not understand. I hope someday you do, for your sake as well as theirs. You are dismissed, gentlemen."

*** 

When Lupin returned to their dorm room early the next morning, looking gaunt and exhausted, he finally told his friends the truth. That he and Snape had become friends, then fallen in love.

"Snape?!" Peter kept saying, as if he couldn't believe his ears. James was still skeptical himself, but kept his opinion to himself to spare Remus's feelings.

Sirius tried to apologize. "I'm sorry, Moony," he said contritely. "I never thought about the fact that you would be in danger if anything happened to Snape."

Lupin just stared at him in disbelief. "Is that all you're sorry about, Sirius? It sounds like you wouldn't care if Severus got killed as long as nothing happened to me!"

"Why should I care about Snape?" Sirius asked defensively. "He's been trying to get us expelled ever since we got here!"

"He doesn't deserve to be murdered for that!" yelled James before Lupin could say anything. He didn't like Snape either, but he was fed up with Sirius's attitude. "What is wrong with you? Do you think it's all right to kill someone just because they're a jerk?!" Something suddenly occurred to James. "All those times he was following us around--it wasn't to get us expelled! Not that he would've minded getting us in trouble, I suppose, but what he really wanted was to be near Remy!" James sat there, stunned. Snape in love? Could Remy really be right about him? It boggled the mind.

"Snape!?" Peter repeated, for at least the twentieth time.

"I only wanted to scare him," said Sirius sulkily. "I was trying to protect you! He's a worthless git who'd only end up hurting you! If he really loved you, he wouldn't care that you're a werewolf!"

"He did love me!" screamed Lupin. "But now he hates me and it's all your fault! How could he not hate me?! I AM a monster, I almost killed someone I love!" 

"But--"

"Just shut up, Sirius!" James snapped. He went to Remus and held him, trying to comfort him as he wept hysterically. Sirius subsided, feeling both guilty and angry, while Peter just sat there with a bewildered look on his face.

*** 

Lupin returned to class the following day. He kept trying to talk to Snape, who kept avoiding him. Finally he cornered Snape in an empty hallway between classes.

"Severus, please, I have to talk to you!" Lupin begged, reaching out to grab Snape's arm.

Snape slapped Lupin's hand away. "Don't touch me!" he snarled. "I can't believe I ever let a monster like you touch me!" he said cruelly, and felt a surge of savage glee at the wounded look on Lupin's face. "Did you and your little friends have a good laugh at my expense? Did you tell them how I begged for my life, I bet they really liked that part!" Lupin's betrayal aside, that was what Snape really hated--that Potter had found him in a position of weakness, begging for mercy. "Was it your intention to simply humiliate me, or would you have killed me if Potter hadn't stopped you? I'll wager Black at least had murder on his mind! Lucky for you Potter had a change of heart, or there'd be blood on your hands...or should I say paws?" Snape's voice was starting to turn shrill; he paused to take a deep breath and regain control of himself. He wouldn't give Lupin the satisfaction of seeing how upset he was.

"I didn't know, Severus, I swear I didn't know what Sirius was going to do!" Lupin sobbed, tears running down his face.

Snape curled his upper lip in contempt. "Oh, stop that, Lupin. You look pathetic! As if those tears are real, anyway! What a good little actor you are; you should try out for the drama club." 

"Severus, please, I love you! Please, I'm so sorry--"

"If you loved me, you would have told me the truth about yourself," Snape said coldly.

"I was going to, I swear! Didn't I promise you I would?"

"You've lied to me before, Lupin; why should I believe you now?" He turned and walked away, leaving Lupin weeping in the hall.

*** 

Lupin kept trying to apologize to him, but Snape just ignored him. He tried sending letters to Snape, but Snape just ripped them up, unread. Finally he gave up, and went about his everyday activities looking as pale and lifeless as one of the school ghosts. Snape felt a sense of malicious satisfaction at Lupin's misery, although a doubtful little voice in his head said, _If he was really in on the prank, shouldn't he be laughing at you, not moping around?_ Snape snarled and told the voice to shut up. _Oh great, now I'm talking to myself..._

Potter tried to talk to Snape as well. "Look Snape," he said. "You can hate Sirius; he probably deserves it. You can even hate me and Peter if you want, even though we had nothing to do the prank. But don't hate Remus; he didn't do anything wrong. He barely eats, he cries himself to sleep every night, he's making himself sick--"

"And this concerns me how?" Snape asked in a bored tone, feigning indifference, while half of him gloated and the other half cringed with guilt. 

"I don't know why, but he loves you, you arrogant little git!" James snapped. "He really, truly loves you. If you're the man he claims you are, you won't let him tear himself apart like this over you!"

For a brief moment, Snape wavered; he desperately wanted to believe Potter. But the memory of Lupin's betrayal hurt too much; he would never, ever give anyone the power to hurt him like that again. "I'm not stupid enough to fall for the same trick twice," he sneered.

"For the hundredth time, Remus did not know about the prank!"

"A prank? Is that what they're calling attempted murder these days? But it doesn't matter whether he knew or not. I could never love a monster like him."

Potter gave him a steady, measuring look that somehow made him feel ashamed of himself. "You don't deserve him," Potter said coldly, then turned on his heel and walked away.

*** 

Dumbledore tried to put them back on the cataloging project, hoping that forcing the two to spend time together would help, but Snape flatly refused. "Go ahead and expel me if you want, I don't care. But I'm not working with him ever again."

Though Snape had always been obsessed with his grades and his status at school, Dumbledore could see that he was telling the truth; his eyes still had that wild look in them, as if he were hovering on the brink of sanity. One nudge could easily tip him over the edge. Dumbledore decided to let things slide for the moment, hoping that time would eventually heal the worst of Snape's wounds.

*** 

After breaking up with Lupin, Snape began spending more time with Malfoy and his crowd. Malfoy was quick to notice his discontent; he wasn't sure exactly what had happened, but knew it involved Lupin, Black, and Potter. Gryffindor had been docked a huge amount of points; gossip had it that Black had lured Snape into the Forbidden Forest where he'd almost gotten killed by some wild beast, but Snape refused to talk about it. Still, Malfoy figured he had enough information to manipulate Snape with...

"Didn't I tell you that no good would come of associating with other Houses, Sev?" he asked sympathetically, putting his arm around Snape's shoulders in a comradely fashion. To his surprise, Snape grabbed him by the front of his shirt and slammed him against the wall.

"Don't touch me and don't call me 'Sev'!" Snape snarled, his black eyes glittering with madness.

"All right, all right! Take it easy, Se--I mean, Snape!" Malfoy recognized someone gone over the edge when he saw it; he didn't waste time trying to berate Snape or put him in his place. Malfoy very slowly and cautiously eased himself out of Snape's grip and away from the wall. 

Just then, Malfoy's other wayward lamb, Rosier, walked in. Before Malfoy could say anything, Rosier snarled, "Don't give me any grief, Lucius! Ariane's family found out about us; they told Ariane to stay away from me or they'll disinherit her! They're even talking about taking her out of Hogwarts and sending her to Beauxbatons!"

A less subtle man would have punished both boys for their insolence. Instead, Malfoy said silkily to Snape, "I can give you enough power to bring your enemies low," and to Rosier, "enough power to deal with meddling parents and win your lady fair."

"How?" the two boys chorused eagerly, and Malfoy smiled.

_Like taking candy from a baby..._ he thought.

*** 

Lupin did not speak to Sirius for two months. But finally he relented, partly because he could see he was also hurting James and Peter, who didn't deserve it, and partly because (he thought with a touch of bitterness) he couldn't afford to lose any of the few friends he had left. Sirius for his part, tried to apologize once more.

"Remus, I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I really am sorry," Sirius said, sounding sincerely remorseful. "James made me see what an idiot I was; my stupid prank could have gotten you killed. I'm so sorry, Remy."

Lupin smiled sadly. "I can forgive you for what you did to me, Sirius," he said softly. "But I can never forgive you for what you did to Severus."

While he was truly sorry, Sirius began to feel a little annoyed. "Look, I know what I did was wrong, but James showed up in time; Snape didn't get hurt--" 

"Not physically, no," said Lupin, beginning to get angry again. "But what you have done to his soul--"

"Oh please!" Sirius said.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, Sirius! It took me years to gain his trust, and you destroyed it all in one night!"

"I just don't understand what you see in him!" Sirius said in frustration.

Lupin sighed. He'd tried to explain, and he thought maybe James understood a little, but Peter and Sirius just didn't get it. "He's been hurt in the past more badly than you and I can imagine." Lupin still didn't know much about Snape's childhood, but what little he did know painted a pretty bleak picture. "The pride, the sarcasm, the arrogance--he uses them to push people away because he's afraid of getting close to anyone, afraid of being hurt. But he let me in, for some reason. Maybe because I know what it's like to be lonely. I never had a friend before I met you and Peter and James." Sirius's expression softened just a little, and encouraged by that sight, Lupin continued earnestly, "I know it's hard to believe because you haven't seen that side of him, Sirius, but he was kind to me. He took care of me when I was sick." His hand drifted up to his chest, where Severus's necklace was hidden beneath his robes.

"But we do that too," said Sirius, sounding hurt; why did that make Snape so special? "And if he's so great, why hasn't he stood by you?" But he regretted saying that when he saw the pain on Lupin's face.

"It wasn't all your fault," said Lupin unhappily. "I let him down. He thinks I lied to him, that I didn't trust him...and maybe he's right. He hurt me, but I hurt him too, even though I didn't mean to."

"He's not worthy of you, Moony--"

"Enough!" said Lupin sharply. "Since you won't be convinced, let us agree to disagree. I won't throw away our friendship over this, but I don't ever want to hear you say anything against Severus again. You can think what you like, but keep it to yourself, that's all I ask."

"Fine," said Sirius stiffly, but he felt a little resentful. It was he who had first befriended the shy, frightened-looking boy during their first year and introduced him to James and Peter. He loved his friends as dearly as family--more, if truth be told, because he had never been very close to his family. His parents had a slightly cold and remote air about them; he had often longed for a warm and loving family like James's. He always felt as if he were a bit of a disappointment to his family, who regarded him as a black sheep: he was too irresponsible, too disrespectful, his grades weren't good enough...it seemed nothing he did was ever enough to please them. But it was all right because he had his three friends, his fellow Marauders and blood brothers. He loved all of them, but he was especially protective of Remus, who seemed more fragile than the others somehow. But it seemed somehow that his tightly-knit group of friends was starting to drift apart. First James fell in love with Lily--who was a perfectly nice girl, and to her credit, she didn't try to come between Prongs and his friends. But it was inevitable that James would want to spend time alone with her, withdrawing from the group a little. That was hard to bear, but he could accept that. Lily at least was a good person and a Gryffindor, but how could Remus throw them over for that Slytherin git? He had lied to his friends and snuck around behind their backs to romance their worst enemy! Snape, of all people, who gotten them in trouble countless times! Snape, who had taunted Remus about his shabby robes, pushed him in the mud, and tripped him in the halls! Why would Remus choose someone like that over his best friends? Sirius felt betrayed.

Although on the surface they had patched up their friendship, things were strained and awkward between them. It was the beginning of a rift that would last for almost twenty years...

*** 

If there's a God at Heaven's door, do you think He wants me anymore?  
It's all left up to circumstances, a whole life filled with second chances  
Pounded like nails into my floor  
Everybody hates and everybody dies  
Begin to separate a world that's full of lies  
\--"Separated Self" by Saliva]

Snape soon realized he had made a mistake by joining Voldemort--right about the time the Mark of the Death Eaters was branded on his arm--but by then it was too late. He stood by and watched helplessly as a Muggle-born wizard was offered up as a sacrifice to Voldemort at the branding ceremony. It was then he realized that this was not just a bunch of wizards who were practicing clandestine black magic and trying to gain political control in the wizarding world. He was a fool; he had treated the whole thing like a game, but he should have known better. The signs had been there for him to read, but he had ignored them in his anger, in his need to turn away from Lupin and Dumbledore. Now he had to stand there and smile, pretending to delight in the screams of the chosen sacrifice as the others did, for he knew he would be the next to be slaughtered if he tried to stop it.

Going to Dumbledore to confess his crimes was the hardest thing Snape had ever done. Having so little else in his life, Snape clung to his pride fiercely, like a lover or a child. And he never, ever admitted he was wrong about anything. But more than that, he was ashamed. When Dumbledore took Black's side in the Shrieking Shack incident, he told himself he no longer cared what the old wizard thought of him. But as he stood there in the Headmaster's office, he realized that he cared very much indeed. However, while he might be a Death Eater, he was not a coward. So he stood there and forced the words out of his mouth, confessing his guilt and stupidity. When he finished, there was no anger or censure in Dumbledore's eyes, only sorrow and compassion. And somehow that compassion was even harder to bear than the anger and contempt he had expected. In fact, it almost undid him completely; tears stung his eyes, but he clenched his fists and gritted his teeth, and the tears remained unshed. Severus Snape did not cry; he had not wept when his lover betrayed him, and he certainly would not snivel and beg for mercy he did not deserve now. Dumbledore placed a hand on his shoulder, but Snape shrugged it off.

"Well, aren't you going to turn me in to the Ministry?"

The Headmaster sighed wearily. "So they can send you to Azkaban? What purpose would that serve?"

"When I was ten years old, you never scolded me for the curse I put on the neighbor's boy. But this is not something that can be solved with a heart-to-heart chat and a handful of candy."

Dumbledore sighed again. "No, and you are not a child anymore. So what do you intend to do to set things right?"

Snape just stared at him.

"Sending you to prison would accomplish nothing. Voldemort and the Death Eaters will still be out there. The things you have done in the past cannot be undone, Severus. But the future can still be changed. We have been unsuccessful in fighting Voldemort mainly because we cannot get anyone close to him or his followers."

A look of comprehension crossed Snape's face. "You want me to be your spy! I'd intended to give you the information I have--the names of the Death Eaters I know and such--but will the Ministry really just let you turn me loose?"

"For now it will be our secret, but I will make it right with them. You will be far more useful free than in Azkaban. But make no mistake, it will be very dangerous. If they discover you have betrayed them--"

Snape grimaced. "The death of that Muggle-born last night will seem merciful by comparison. And the Dark Lord is not a merciful man."

"In some ways, Azkaban would be the easier choice. But you don't strike me as the type who takes the easy way out, Severus."

Snape smiled, albeit grimly, and nodded. He had taken the easy way out before and look where it had gotten him. "I will be your spy," he said. The Mark on his arm still burned painfully, but he felt--not exactly hopeful, but at least now he had a sense of purpose, a way to atone for his crimes. That would be enough to sustain him for now.

*** 

Lily made a beautiful bride; she was radiant with joy and James just stood there with a silly grin on his face. Lupin felt pure, unadulterated happiness for the first time since the Shrieking Shack incident. He kissed the bride on the cheek, hugged and congratulated the groom, then circulated among the other guests, laughing and talking with old classmates from Hogwarts. He was even happy to see Sirius, whom he had barely spoken to since graduation.

He and Peter and Sirius filled their plates with food and sat down at a table together; Lily and James were still greeting their many guests.

"You look good, Remy," said Peter. What have you been up to?"

"Dumbledore got me some assignments as a freelance translator," replied Lupin. He was fluent in French, since his parents had emigrated from France, and had studied German and of course Latin (which was the foundation of most spell commands) at school. "I've been translating textbooks from English into French or German and vice-versa. I think it has something to do with the Headmaster trying to promote an exchange of knowledge between schools. It doesn't pay a lot, but it's enough to put food on the table, and I can work from home." Which was a big help, since it was hard to keep a job when you had to disappear for a few days every month...

Sirius lowered his voice. "Dumbledore's been trying to build alliances because of Vol--"

"Sirius!" Peter squeaked in horror.

"Ahem, I mean, You-Know-Who. The Death Eaters are getting more numerous and they've grown bolder in their attacks."

"Do we have to talk about this at James and Lily's wedding?" protested Peter nervously.

Sirius ignored him and gave Lupin a solemn look. "Your old friend Snape is one of them."

"I don't believe you!" said Lupin, throwing down his fork. "Severus would never do such a thing!"

"Um, guys..." Peter pleaded. "I don't think this is really the time or the place--"

"He's very close to Lucius Malfoy, and everyone knows the Malfoys practice the Dark Arts. And the Snapes have always leaned that way themselves--"

"Stop it! How long are you going to hold on to your childish grudge--?"

"How long are you going to hold on to your childish crush?!" retorted Sirius. "I've been talking to some Aurors, and they're certain that Snape is high in the ranks of the Death Eaters, along with Malfoy. Only their families' wealth and influence have kept them from being arrested so far. He's no good, Remy! He's been bad ever since we were in school together! When he started his first year, he already knew more curses than most seventh-years ever do! And he was caught more than once snooping in the restricted section of the library; the section that covers the Dark Arts, I heard! You're well rid of him, Remy; you're lucky he didn't drag you down with him!" Sirius felt a sense of triumphant satisfaction; it was wrong to gloat, but perhaps Remus would finally see that he had been wrong about Snape...

Lupin felt a moment of doubt; Severus had always hungered for knowledge and chafed against the restrictions the school put on them. The only way to truly defend against the Dark Arts was to study the spells themselves, he had often claimed. Despite his unpleasant nature, Lupin didn't really think Severus would have used black magic against anyone, but he couldn't stand certain areas of study being closed to him. It had often seemed to him that Severus wanted to know everything there was to know about magic, good and bad. Could Voldemort and Malfoy have played on that weakness, his desire for knowledge...?

Sirius saw Lupin waver. "An arrest is imminent, I hear, once they cut through the bureaucratic red tape," he lied.

Lupin felt sick. "I could have saved him," he whispered. 

"What?" Sirius frowned; this was not turning out the way he thought it would.

Lupin turned on him, his normally gentle blue eyes blazing with rage. "If that's true, then you condemned him with your selfish act back in school! I could have saved him, but you drove him away from me, straight to Malfoy! If anything happens to Severus, if he truly does turn out to be a Death Eater, then I will never forgive you!" With that, he got up and ran away from the table.

Sirius sat there shaking with rage. How dare he! The ungrateful bastard! He had saved Remus from that Death Eater, probably saved him from being served up as a sacrifice to Voldemort, and this was the thanks he got? Even now, with Snape's true colors exposed, he still chose that snake over his true friends?!

The rift that had begun during their fifth year was now complete. Knowing Remus's inexplicable love and loyalty towards a Death Eater that had spurned him as a teenager, it took little stretch of the imagination for Sirius to believe that Remus would betray his friends to Voldemort, perhaps to get back in Snape's good graces. And for Lupin, he saw that Sirius still did not truly believe he had done anything wrong the night he sent Severus to the Shrieking Shack. Oh, he was sorry that he had risked Lupin's life, but he was never sorry that he had nearly killed Severus. He was too stubborn, too proud to admit that he was wrong, and those were the kinds of weaknesses Voldemort used to manipulate and corrupt. It was easy for Lupin to believe that Sirius could have fallen under his spell.

*** 

The war against Voldemort was finally over, but it was a Pyrrhic victory at best; there were so many dead on both sides. Rosier was dead, along with his best friend Wilkes, killed in battle by Aurors. Wilkes had been remarkably easy-going and good-natured for a Slytherin, but he had been too gullible, too ready to believe whatever Malfoy and Rosier told him. He could have surrendered and turned coat to save his life as so many others did, but he had a stubborn streak of honor. He had really believed all that rubbish Voldemort had fed them about "saving the purity of the wizard race" and so he had died rather than admit defeat, and also he would never have abandoned his friend Rosier. Snape often wondered what would have happened to Wilkes if he had been placed into another House, say Gryffindor or Hufflepuff...he might still be alive, possibly even a hero on the side of the "good" wizards.

As for Rosier, surprisingly enough, his and Ariane's love had flourished; she had defied both her family and her House to remain with him. Ariane had always been proud, snobbish, and spoiled; Snape would never have thought she would give up her wealth and status for any man, but she did. For his part, although Rosier was a conniving and ambitious son-of-a-bitch, he had been sincerely devoted to Ariane. Snape had sometimes hated them for remaining together when he and Lupin had not. But he felt pity for her when she stood trial as an accused Death Eater, her eyes red from weeping for her dead lover, her belly heavy and round with his child. But she was still proud and beautiful, her head held high, her silver-blonde hair streaming unbound down her back. She swore she was not a Death Eater; she had no Mark on her arm, and no one, including Snape, could claim they had seen her at any of Voldemort's meetings or ceremonies. She claimed Rosier had told her nothing about his secret activities other than that someday he would be so powerful that her family would bow down to him and they could marry in honor. Snape found that highly unlikely but had no evidence to the contrary, and in any case figured she had been punished enough. Others had been convicted or even killed on less evidence, but in the end, Ariane's family rallied around her, exerting their considerable influence on the judges, and no one really wanted to send a pregnant woman to Azkaban. So she was released into the custody of her family, although Snape wasn't sure that was much of an improvement. Her mother, the family matriarch, gazed at her daughter with cold and contemptuous eyes, and her older brothers, the twins Gilbert and Gwydion, who had once doted upon her and spoiled her shamelessly, regarded her with open hatred and betrayal. Only her uncle Mathias, a wise old wizard who had fought bravely in the war against the Dark Lord, showed her any sympathy, his gray eyes filled with both grief and compassion. Ariane was exiled to the family estates in Wales, and Snape heard nothing more from her after that.

Malfoy, who had lured all of them into Voldemort's service to begin with, got off scot-free. Of course.

On the other side, there were even more dead. Lily Potter, who had never done him any harm. James Potter; the debt Snape owed him would now forever go unpaid. Professor Blackmore was missing and presumed dead; although she had disagreed with many of the Ministry's policies, she had become an Auror and captured many Death Eaters, and even killed some in self-defense, although she was not one of those who killed on sight, no questions asked. But she had raised Voldemort's ire and become a prime target. Her house was found broken into; a struggle had clearly taken place, with furniture broken and in splinters. The bodies of three Death Eaters lay on the floor, torn to pieces--possibly by some creature Blackmore had summoned? Of Blackmore and Bane, there were no signs, except for large splashes of blood and numerous blood-stained black feathers. 

_One more death on my hands,_ Snape thought despairingly. How ironic that he had once accused Lupin of having blood on his hands, when what Snape himself had done was so much worse. It didn't matter that he had come to Dumbledore and switched sides; he had willingly offered his services to Voldemort, however briefly, and his hands could never truly be clean. It was true that he had worked as a spy and passed along information that saved lives, but there were so many others he had been unable to save. So many times he had to stand by and do nothing while a victim was sacrificed because he could not risk blowing his cover. Thankfully, Voldemort had not made him fight on the front lines, having preferred to make use of Snape's more academic skills, but he had made potions and poisons that his fellow Death Eaters used on innocent victims; he had taught them curses and spells that they used on more innocents. Dumbledore assured him what he had done was necessary, that they could not have won the war without him, but it didn't help Snape sleep any better at night.

*** 

At the time of the trials, Snape's role as a spy was known only to a select few; it was widely assumed by most of the world at large that he was a Death Eater and would be convicted as such. His own parents disowned him, although he wasn't sure if it was because he had been a Death Eater or because he had been stupid enough to get caught. His parents' beliefs had always been similar to Voldemort's, but they had refused to fight on either side; Malfoy had scornfully called them fence-sitters. But in the end, his parents had been right, and it had been Malfoy who had chosen the wrong side.

For his own safety, Dumbledore was secretly housing him in Hogwarts until the trials were over. Mostly he sat in his room and stared at the wall; he had no idea what he would do or where he would go when all this was over, and he felt too numb to care.

Then, one day, a house elf brought him an envelope, accompanied by a note from Dumbledore that simply read, "This was sent to me for you." Severus picked up the envelope and his heart skipped a beat; all it said was "Severus Snape" but he recognized the handwriting--it was Lupin's. With trembling hands, he broke the seal on the envelope and pulled out the letter within. It read:

Dear Severus,

The gossip mill has been working overtime, and it is said you will stand trial soon on charges of being a Death Eater. Although they are but rumors, I fear for you, because in these perilous times, the Ministry has rushed to convict and even execute suspected sympathizers of Voldemort with a token trial--or none at all. I know you are innocent, though many of my friends have tried to convince me otherwise. Despite our differences at school, you have always followed your own code of honor, Severus, and I do not believe you are a Death Eater. I know you associated with Malfoy and the others, but I believe that you would have rejected them once you understood what they were truly about.

I have no wealth, no political power to exert on your behalf, but what I can do, I will. I have talked to a couple of former housemates who now work in the Ministry of Magic, though I fear they have little more influence than I do. And I am writing to Dumbledore; in fact I am sending you this letter through him. He knows you as well as I do--probably better, so I know he believes in you as I do. Dumbledore's word counts for much; I know he will be able to protect you. He says he cannot discuss matters with me but that I should not worry, although I confess I still do.

I fear I have little else to offer, save my friendship. If ever you need a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to lean on, call on me and I will come. No matter what happens, I believe in you, Severus, and will stand as your friend.

Remus

Snape fell to his knees, and broke down and wept, as he had not wept when he thought Lupin had betrayed him when they were teenagers, nor when Dumbledore betrayed him as well, and not even when he lay awake in bed at night haunted by the faces of Voldemort's victims. But he wept now, in great racking sobs, in mingled joy and despair. Joy, for he realized that Lupin still loved him, and despair for what he had so foolishly thrown away. Because now it was too late; he could never reconcile with Lupin. Voldemort was banished, but not dead, and there were Death Eaters still at large: some, like the Malfoys, who were able to escape the charges through their wealth, and others who had never been caught or even identified. Voldemort had been paranoid, never completely trusting anyone, so no one Death Eater knew the names of all the others; there must undoubtedly be at least a few at large who would never be captured. And if his betrayal of their Lord became known, his life and the lives of anyone close to him would be forfeit. Snape could take care of himself; he had accepted the risk when he first went to Dumbledore, but he could not risk Lupin's life as well. With guilt, he remembered the promise he had made the first time they slept together in the Gryffindor dorm: "I will always protect you". He had not kept that promise very well in the past, but he would keep it now; he would not do anything to endanger Lupin, even if meant sacrificing whatever happiness they might have found together. All the other lives lost he could bear, but he could not live with himself if Lupin were killed because of him. But he could not give Lupin any hint of how he really felt; he must break Lupin's hopes and drive him away completely, so that he would stay away from Snape and be safe. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve, and took up a pen to write a scathing reply, but then he had a better idea. 

There was a knock on the door, but he ignored it. A moment later, Dumbledore walked in to find Snape tearing Lupin's letter to shreds.

"Severus! What are you doing?!"

"What does it look like I'm doing, Headmaster?" Snape replied calmly, but there was a hint of hysteria lurking below the surface. "I'm sending Lupin a reply to his letter." He put the torn pieces into an empty envelope, sealed it, and addressed it to Lupin. 

"Don't make the same mistake twice," Dumbledore begged. He pointedly stared at Snape's red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. "You know you still care about him."

Snape was too weary to try and deny it. "All the more reason to keep him away from me, then. I'm a walking target for any Death Eaters still on the loose--and don't try to tell me we've caught them all, because you know we haven't. Not to mention the fact that there are still several trigger-happy Aurors who don't believe that I've really changed sides. Anyone close to me would also be in danger." He smiled bitterly. "Fortunately, I have no friends or lovers, and now that my parents have disowned me, no family. I have no hostages to fortune, and I think I would like to keep it that way."

Dumbledore said gently, "Remus is stronger than you think. He is more than capable of protecting himself."

"I can't risk it," said Snape stubbornly.

The Headmaster regarded him with an expression of affection mixed with exasperation. "It is not your place to make that decision for him. Remus has the right to decide for himself whether he'll take the risk or not."

"No!" shouted Snape. "I won't let him die because of me! Don't I have enough blood on my hands already?!" He paused to compose himself, and saw Dumbledore staring at him; he didn't like the calculating look in the Headmaster's eyes. "Don't even think about telling Lupin this is some sort of noble, self-sacrificing move on my part, because I'll deny it. I'll tell him that it's a trick you came up with to try and get us back together. I'll tell him the old wizard has finally gone batty because I could never fall in love with a monster. I'll tell him I still hate him. I'll tell him every cruel, vicious thing I can come up with, and you know I can be quite cruel."

"Yes, I know that very well, Severus," said Dumbledore in a level tone, looking him directly in the eyes. Snape blushed and averted his gaze. "You are making a big mistake," the Headmaster warned.

"So be it," Snape said, remaining firm in his resolve. _At least Remus will still be alive._

*** 

As things turned out, Snape was never formally charged and never stood trial. His name was privately cleared by Dumbledore, but plenty of people still thought he was a Death Eater who had repented only on the surface. Neither he nor Dumbledore attempted to disillusion them, the better to keep his credibility in case he was contacted in the future by Voldemort's followers; they knew he might one day be needed again as a double agent. Besides, he doubted any of his naysayers would have believed him anyway.

But Dumbledore believed in him, and to his surprise, offered him a position at Hogwarts. The old Potions Master had been another casualty of the war, and there was an opening on the staff, which Dumbledore assured him he was more than qualified to fill. Snape had never considered teaching as a profession, but found a sense of comfort and satisfaction in his work, despite the fact that the noisy, impudent brats--particularly the Gryffindors--often got on his nerves. Still, there was the occasional talented student who made it all worthwhile (not that he would ever let the student know that, of course). He played the role of the embittered former Death Eater, and continued to cultivate the goodwill of the prominent Slytherin families, including the Malfoys, however much he secretly despised them. Whenever Lupin's name came up--which wasn't often, since someone who was both a pauper and a werewolf had little status in their world, but from time to time his name would come up in conjunction with Potter's--Snape would continue to profess hatred and scorn for him.

But the problem with playing a role for so long, Snape found, was that after awhile, you became what you pretended to be. Oh, he was never again tempted to join the ranks of the Dark Wizards, but the anger and bitterness he feigned slowly became real. All of his problems had begun with Potter and Lupin, he decided as he lay awake at night contemplating his past and wondering where he had gone wrong. Potter and his friends had stolen from him the only person he had ever loved, and Lupin was equally to blame, for making Snape fall in love with him. If they had remained childhood enemies, everything would have been fine; hostilities between them would never have gone beyond a few harmless pranks and hexes. But no, Lupin had to play the good Samaritan and reach out and befriend the poor little Slytherin boy. Perhaps he had actually cared for Snape a little, but in the end he had loved his friends more, and that was what Snape truly could not forgive. After the Shrieking Shack incident, Lupin wailed and wept and moped about, but in the end he made up with his friends, including Black. _If he really loved me, he would have abandoned them after what they did to me,_ Snape thought. The rational part of his mind pointed out, _Why would he abandon his friends for you when you had already rejected him? Then he would be completely alone._ But Snape didn't care about logic; he found it was much easier to hate Lupin than live with the despair and longing that was eating away at his soul. Deep inside, a small part of Snape was ashamed of himself for taking the "easy way out" he had scorned as a young, repentant Death Eater, but it was the only way for him to survive the long, lonely years ahead. So he nursed his old grudges and resentments, and buried himself in his work.

And then, one day, Lupin came back into his life...


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lupin's return to Hogwarts throws Snape's life into turmoil, and Lupin reveals the origins of the Wolfsbane Potion.

[I just can't live without you  
I love you, I hate you, I can't get around you  
I breathe you, I taste you, I can't live without you  
I just can't take anymore of this life of solitude  
I guess that I'm out the door and now I'm done with you  
\--"Always" by Saliva]

When Snape ripped up Lupin's letter all those years ago, he thought he had closed the door on that part of his life, shutting out Lupin forever. He tried to forget about his old lover, and moved on with his life as best he could. But lately, fate seemed to be conspiring against him. First the Potter child showed up at Hogwarts, stirring up old memories Snape would rather forget. He knew he ought to feel sorry for the boy, who had after all been orphaned by Snape's former master; in fact, it was partly Snape's fault his parents were dead: he had learned of Voldemort's plan to kill the Potters, and passed the information on to Dumbledore, but it had been too late. He knew some of Dumbledore's allies believed he had withheld the information on purpose, but that was the last thing on earth he would have done--saving James Potter would have finally freed Snape from his debt. But Snape was still unable to feel anything other than resentment towards the boy; he was too much like his father...charming and insolent and lacking any respect for the school rules. (Snape ignored the little voice in his head that reminded him he had broken the rules just as many times as a child himself.) Potter was the golden boy, just as his father before him had been, winning the adulation of the students and teachers without even trying, it seemed. Which only served to remind him of how James Potter had--so casually, without even being aware of it--taken from Snape everything he had ever wanted: the top rank in school, the Headmaster's affection, and a certain brown-haired, blue-eyed boy...

And now the Headmaster had brought Lupin to the school as a teacher, making his private little hell complete. He wondered if the Headmaster was deliberately making his life as miserable as possible...some sort of belated punishment for following Voldemort, perhaps? Lupin's presence was a constant irritation, like having sand in one's clothes, chafing at the skin. He knew he should just ignore Lupin, but he found himself behaving like a schoolboy again, spying on Lupin and following him around everywhere he went. He insulted Lupin every chance he got, but Lupin remained as unflappable as ever, always responding with that polite little smile no matter what Snape said. It got to the point where Snape wanted to smack him upside the head just to wipe that smile off his face. At dinner, he would always plan to sit as far away from Lupin as he could, yet somehow always found himself taking the seat next to the werewolf. Snape didn't know why he even bothered to show up for dinner, since he could barely eat anything, his stomach churning with anger and other emotions he would rather not identify; at this rate he was probably going to develop an ulcer. And once, when Lupin bent over his plate, his long hair falling into his eyes, a horrified Snape had found his hand starting to reach out to brush it out of the way. He quickly stabbed the errant appendage with his fork before it got more than an inch off the table, but his muffled yelp of pain had drawn the attention of the other teachers, who stared at him as if he'd lost his mind. He avoided Lupin's look of concern as the Headmaster gently chided him, "You must be overworking yourself, Severus, if you're so preoccupied that you're stabbing your own hand instead of the roast beef." Snape mumbled something about being distracted by preparations for an upcoming exam and beat a hasty retreat from the table, brushing off Madam Pomfrey's offer to take a look at his hand.

Right on the heels of that incident, came an even more humiliating experience: Neville Longbottom's transformation of the boggart into an image of Snape clad in his grandmother's clothes. It happened, of course, in Lupin's class. And of course, word spread around the school like wildfire. The students at least, were too terrified of him to laugh about it to his face, but several of the teachers snickered to themselves every time they saw him. McGonagall in particular, seemed to find it highly amusing, though she would quickly lift her hand to her face to cover her smile. Snape silently ground his teeth in frustration; oh yes, it was all very amusing...just like being a student again, once more the butt of Potter and Black's little jokes.

*** 

"Just like old times, Lupin," Snape sneered. "How nice to see that some things haven't changed. Too bad your old friends aren't around to see your latest prank."

Lupin sighed. He had inwardly groaned when Neville told him his greatest fear was Professor Snape, knowing when Severus heard about what happened, it would make his already near-impossible task of "getting through" to his former friend even more difficult. "If you're talking about the incident with Neville and the boggart," he said aloud, "it was hardly a prank. How was I to know you were his worst fear?" 

"And whose idea was it to dress the boggart in his grandmother's clothes?! Maybe you didn't plan it, but you can't tell me you didn't enjoy it, Lupin!"

"I am telling you that very thing, but you aren't listening to me, Severus!" Lupin said in exasperation. He was a little disturbed, not so much by Snape's anger with him, but by the fact that he seemed to be taking it out on Neville as well. Of course he had not seen Severus in many years, but it seemed out of character for him to pick on a helpless child. "It's partly your own fault, you know. You have that poor boy completely terrorized--"

"Oh, spare me!" Snape said with a snort. "Hermione Granger isn't intimidated by me, and she's a little slip of a girl nearly half his size!"

Lupin smiled at the tone of grudging respect. "You almost sound like you admire her, Severus."

Snape turned red and growled, "She's an insolent little know-it-all wench, too smart for her own good, like all Gryffindors! Still, if she can function in class despite being 'terrorized,' then I don't see why Longbottom can't as well."

"Different students need to be handled in different ways, Severus," Lupin said mildly. "Some need to be pushed, others need to be coaxed along--"

"You're not doing your students a favor by coddling them, Lupin," snarled Snape. "These children might end up facing the Dark Lord one day. Do you think Voldemort will be as gentle with them? Do you think he'll care about treating them fairly or hurting their tender little feelings?"

Lupin felt relieved to find out that Severus was not just bullying the children, but was in his own (if slightly misguided) way, doing his best to protect them and prepare them for the inevitable battle to come. "No, Severus, but I still think--"

"I'm not interested in what you think, Lupin!" Snape interrupted. "Do as you please in your class, but don't ever try to tell me how I should teach mine!" And with that, Snape abruptly turned away, his black robe swirling around him as he left Lupin's office, slamming the door behind him.

"Still as dramatic as ever," Lupin said to no one in particular, half-amused, half-annoyed. "If I tried that, I would probably get my robe caught in the door." He sighed wistfully, remembering how impressed he used to be with the Slytherin boy's dramatic presence. He wasn't sure whether he should feel encouraged or discouraged by Severus's seeming reversion to schoolboy behavior: the constant sniping and endless suspicions, not to mention his near-stalking of Lupin... Although he was grateful for the job, he sometimes wished Albus had never offered it to him. Being so near Severus all the time was both pleasurable and painful at the same time, like a constant irritation, an itch that couldn't be scratched...

*** 

On Halloween, Lupin found Harry prowling the corridors, looking depressed and troubled, and invited the boy into his office for a cup of tea. _He looks so much like James,_ Lupin thought, with a pang of sorrow and nostalgia. As they talked about Harry's fear of the Dementors, he realized the boy was also as intelligent and perceptive as James, although perhaps a bit more serious and a little less sure of himself, which was not surprising, considering his upbringing. Just then, Severus showed up with his Wolfsbane Potion, and he and Harry eyed each other with mutual dislike. Lupin sighed to himself; it seemed Harry was following in his father's footsteps with his animosity towards Snape as well, although Severus was probably equally to blame for that. But he fixed a pleasant smile on his face and thanked Severus politely for the potion. There was an odd look on his face as he backed out of the room without turning around, his gaze remaining fixed on Lupin until he closed the door. Lupin sighed again, wishing he had been alone so he could have tried to talk to Severus, but the attempt probably would have been futile anyway.

He saw Harry looking curiously at the goblet, and explained, "Professor Snape has very kindly concocted a potion for me. I have never been much of a potion-brewer and this one is particularly complex. Pity sugar makes it useless." He took a sip and shuddered; it tasted even worse than it smelled. Despite the revolting taste, he almost laughed out loud at the way Harry's eyes went round, bugging out of his head with horror.

"Why--" Harry blurted out.

Lupin smiled and explained that Snape had made the potion for him because he had been feeling ill. "I am very lucky to be working alongside Professor Snape; there aren't many wizards who are up to making it," he added, hoping to give Harry a more positive view of his admittedly ill-tempered teacher. He knew that Severus treated the boy with open rudeness and resentment, but he also knew (through Albus) that Harry was aware that Severus had saved his life on at least one occasion. He hoped that Harry would be able to see there was more to Severus than what lay on the surface. 

But instead Harry told him that Snape was "very interested in the Dark Arts," and that "some people reckon he'd do anything to get the Defense Against the Dark Arts job."

Lupin forced himself to keep a disinterested look on his face as he gulped down the potion. It was like nothing had changed since they had been in school; the dark rumors about Severus still persisted. _Oh Severus,_ he thought sadly. _Why must you make it so easy for people to hate you? Why can't you let others see the man I know you truly are, the one who risked his life to save people he didn't even like from Voldemort's hands, the one I loved...?_

*** 

Snape was in a foul mood as he left Lupin's office. The potion had given him the perfect excuse to satisfy his irrational, unwanted craving to see Lupin, but the Potter boy had been there, so he was unable to linger. Why did there always seem to be a Potter standing between him and the things he wanted? Not that he wanted Lupin, of course... _Liar,_ said the little voice in his head. _Oh, shut up!_ he told it.

The house elves laid out a delicious feast that night, but what little of it he could choke down tasted like cardboard to Snape. His stomach was roiling again; he would have to brew a tonic for himself later that night. Madam Pomfrey could have treated him, of course, but he didn't care to explain to her just why his stomach was always upset these days. He tried to concentrate on his food, but his eyes kept flickering over to Lupin, who was cheerfully talking to Professor Flitwick. He told himself there was no reason for him to feel jealous that Lupin was smiling at someone else, but every bite of food he swallowed sat like lead in his already aching stomach.

Finally, the feast was over, and he was heading back to the dungeon when a frantic student ran up calling for Dumbledore. The staff all headed for the Gryffindor dorm, and found the portrait of the Fat Lady had been ripped to shreds by none other than Sirius Black.

They searched the entire school, but Black was nowhere to be found. Snape tried--discreetly, since the students were still watching--to remind Dumbledore about the reservations he'd had about letting Lupin teach here. "You remember the conversation we had, Headmaster, just before--ah--the start of the term?"

"I do, Severus," Dumbledore said, a strong hint of warning in his voice.

Snape ignored it and pressed on, saying, "It seems--almost impossible--that Black could have entered the school without inside help. I did express my concerns when you appointed--"

"I do not believe a single person inside this castle would have helped Black enter it," Dumbledore said, the steel in both his voice and his eyes firmly cutting Snape off. The Potions Master subsided into a sulky silence as he watched the Headmaster leave to deal with the Dementors, then went back to his own quarters. 

He drank his tonic and stirred the cauldron of Wolfsbane Potion, wondering if Lupin really had let Black into the castle. The rational part of him said that although Lupin was an annoying little git, he was no murderer. _Not like YOU,_ the voice whispered accusingly, and Snape closed his eyes for a moment, once more seeing the faces of Voldemort's victims. Snape sighed, feeling more weary than angry now. No, Lupin was not a conspirator of Black's, but he had always been softhearted, and might be stupid enough to believe Black if he tried to proclaim his innocence. This made Snape nervous, since after Potter, Lupin was probably Black's prime target. It hadn't escaped Snape's notice that Black had killed every member of their little schoolboy gang except for Lupin; he probably would have gone after Lupin when he was done with Pettigrew if he hadn't been caught and sent to Azkaban first. Snape had not forgotten the vow he had made to protect Lupin nearly twenty years ago; it was a foolish promise made by a lovesick boy, but Severus Snape always kept his word. He would find Black, and kill him if necessary, before he did any harm to Lupin.

*** 

Lupin was of course too ill to teach the day of his transformation, so Snape readily agreed to take over his class for the time being. He felt quite smug, since he was killing two birds with one stone, so to speak. First, he finally got a chance to teach the DADA class. Although Potions was his first love, he had been badgering Dumbledore for years to let him teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. He was, after all, the only teacher on the staff who had any experience in actually practicing the Dark Arts, so did that not make him the most qualified person to teach it? If they relied on the instructions of idiots like Quirrell and Lockhart, the children would be dead the instant they went up against a real Dark Wizard. Lupin was a competent mage, Snape grudgingly admitted, but he had clearly coddled the brats too much, judging by the amount of whining they did when Snape assigned them some real work. But what really irked Snape was the suspicion that Dumbledore didn't trust him. Oh, the Headmaster claimed that Snape was irreplaceable as Potions Master, and that trying to teach two classes at once would be too much work for him to handle, but Snape suspected the real reason was that Dumbledore was afraid he would be unable to resist temptation if he started studying the Dark Arts again, even in a simple Defense course. Snape felt a smoldering resentment; Dumbledore had given that idiot Hagrid a second chance, as well as the werewolf--did he trust a monster more than he trusted Snape, who had proven his loyalty several times over during the war? He ignored the rational little voice that said, _But Dumbledore gave you a second chance, too..._

The second thing that gave him a bitter little surge of pleasure was the prospect of getting back at Lupin for the boggart-in-a-dress incident, and maybe even exposing him and getting him kicked out of the school. (Although he had to suppress a panicky feeling at the thought of that actually happening.) That sense of panic ruined his good mood, and he vented his anger on the class, taking twenty points total off Gryffindor, although he supposed it was a bit petty of him to take five points off Miss Granger for "being an insufferable know-it-all". He almost felt guilty when her eyes filled with tears, but she didn't whine, protest, or quiver in fear; she was definitely made of stronger stuff than Longbottom, or rest of the class, for that matter. And when he assigned an essay on ways to recognize and kill werewolves, the other students moaned and groaned at his "unfairness," but her eyes lit up, tears forgotten. _Very good, Miss Granger,_ he thought as he watched the students file out of the classroom. _I know you, at least, won't let me down._ Potter and Weasley probably would have fainted if they had seen his approving smile.

Unfortunately, Lupin returned to class on Monday and canceled the essay, which most of the students hadn't finished anyway. But at dinner he noticed Miss Granger watching Lupin with a very thoughtful look on her face, so perhaps it had not been a complete waste of time. As for Lupin, although he must have guessed what Snape had been up to, he made no accusations, said not one harsh word of censure, but only looked at Snape with a slightly hurt look in his pale blue eyes. That mournful puppy-dog look made Snape feel worse than any swear words or shouting match ever could. His stomach tied itself into knots of guilt--although he had absolutely no reason to feel guilty--and he laid his fork down, giving up any pretense of eating. _I will probably starve to death at this rate,_ Snape thought sourly as he glared at Lupin, and made a mental note to brew an extra-large cauldronful of stomach-tonic that night.

*** 

[You look so beautiful tonight  
Remind me how you laid us down  
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life

Would you find it in your heart?  
To make this go away  
And let me rest in pieces  
\--"Rest in Pieces" by Saliva]

A few weeks later, Snape found himself taking the Wolfsbane Potion to Lupin again. He could have sent it with a house elf, of course, but he had never fully trusted the little creatures, whose servile fawning set his nerves on edge. Besides, he told himself, it was his duty to make sure Lupin actually drank the concoction in order to ensure he was no threat to the students. _Right, Snape,_ said the little voice in his head sarcastically. _You just keep telling yourself that._

"Oh, shut up!" he growled out loud, just as a couple of Hufflepuff girls rounded the corner in front of him, giggling and whispering to each other. _Oh, that's just great,_ he thought to himself peevishly. _Now on top of everything else, I'm going to acquire a reputation for talking to myself!_

Fortunately, the girls thought he was talking to them. They froze in their tracks like frightened little rabbits, squealed, "Sorry, Professor!" and hastily fled in the direction of their dorm. 

Somewhat cheered by the fact that he could still strike terror into the hearts of the students without even trying, he continued on his way. Lupin wasn't in his office, so Snape tried his classroom, opening the door without bothering to knock first. What he saw took his breath away.

It was just Lupin, talking to Potter, but a ray of fading sunlight fell through the window and across the desk where Lupin was sitting. It hid the lines of exhaustion on Lupin's face, and gave his hair a soft glow, changing light brown into molten gold, and gray into strands of pure silver. All the defenses Snape had built up over the years, the wall he had thought was solid as stone, each brick made from a carefully nursed grudge and sealed in place with hatred, instantly melted away, as insubstantial as spun sugar. His hands trembled, threatening to spill the potion as he stared at Lupin, unable to tear his eyes away. He tried to summon up his old resentment, but all he could think of was how beautiful Lupin looked right now, and how much he wanted to run his hands through that gold-and-silver hair. He couldn't seem to find the strength to fight with the werewolf anymore; he wanted to throw away his Slytherin pride and sink to his knees and beg Lupin for mercy--beg Lupin to stop tormenting him and leave him in peace. Some Muggle poet had once said, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all," but Snape thought that was a lie. Those few brief weeks of joy he had shared with Lupin were not worth the years of pain and heartache that followed. If he had never loved Lupin, he would not have had to spend nearly twenty years yearning after something he could never have...

*** 

It was Harry who noticed Snape first. He had been discussing a homework project with Professor Lupin; he enjoyed spending time with the DADA instructor. He liked that Lupin took him seriously; he never talked down to Harry because he was a child, and never belittled his concerns--such as his fear of the Dementors. So he looked up with resentment when he realized it was Snape who had interrupted them, but he was taken aback by the expression on the Potions Master's face, a strange mixture of despair and longing. Then Lupin looked up, and Snape's face was set in its usual sneer, leaving Harry to wonder if he had imagined the whole thing.

"I brought your potion, Lupin," Snape said curtly.

"Thank you, Severus," said Lupin with a smile. "Harry and I were just about done here." Harry hesitated, staring at the smoking goblet, not wanting to leave his favorite teacher alone with Snape. "I'm sure you'll do fine on the project, Harry," Lupin added, a polite but firm tone of dismissal in his voice, and Harry left, giving Snape and the goblet one last glare.

_I must have imagined it,_ Harry said to himself as he walked back to Gryffindor Tower. He took off his glasses and wiped them on his robe; perhaps he had been seeing things. If there had been longing in Snape's eyes, surely it was for Lupin's position as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and not for Lupin himself...

*** 

Lupin felt a little guilty about practically kicking Harry out of the room, but he was not going to let Severus get away this time. Although Snape wore his usual unpleasant expression, that mask seemed particularly brittle today. His lips curled in a sneer that didn't reach his eyes, which looked haunted and had dark circles under them, as if he hadn't slept in days. He was even paler than normal, and looked as if he had lost weight, which was not surprising since he had barely touched his food at dinner for weeks. In short, Severus looked terrible; in fact, he looked about as bad as Lupin felt. _What a pair we make,_ he thought, nearly laughing at the irony of it all. _We both look as if we're about to keel over any moment._ He stood up and walked around to the front of the desk, moving very slowly and carefully, because his legs felt none too steady beneath him.

Snape handed Lupin the goblet, grumbling, "Insolent brat," as he glared at the door Harry had just shut behind him.

Lupin took a sip, grimacing at the taste. Then he smiled and said, "He was just being protective, Severus." When Snape stared at him blankly, he said, "I think he thinks you're trying to poison me." He knew it would only make Severus angrier, but he couldn't repress a mischievous little grin. But Snape just flinched, a stricken expression appearing on his face as if Lupin had just slapped him. Alarmed, Lupin said in a conciliatory tone, "But of course I know that's not true," and took another gulp of the potion to prove it. 

"I don't care what you think," Snape muttered, but he sounded more desperate than angry.

Snape turned as if to leave, and Lupin called out, "Wait!"

"What?" Snape asked irritably.

Lupin thought quickly, and decided to play his trump card. "I just wanted to thank you for the potion."

"Don't thank me," Snape said brusquely. "Dumbledore ordered me to make it."

"That's not what I meant," replied Lupin. "Unless he forced you to do the research on it as well."

Snape froze in place, except for his eyes, which darted frantically around the room, as if seeking some avenue of escape. "I don't know what you're talking about, Lupin. It's my understanding that a Japanese wizard invented the Wolfsbane Potion, a Professor Kamiyama."

"Yes, that is true," replied Lupin calmly. "I wrote to him to thank him for his discovery. He told me a number of interesting things, such as the fact that Japan is home to many shape-shifting creatures, such as the kitsune, or fox spirits. Perhaps that is why the Japanese wizards were less afraid of, and more willing to help those afflicted with lycanthropy."

"Fascinating," said Snape, feigning a yawn while his black eyes still flickered nervously. "But I fail to see how that concerns me."

"He told me he could never have developed the potion without the invaluable aid of a British colleague. His collaborator wished to remain anonymous, but Professor Kamiyama did let slip the fact that this mysterious person worked at Hogwarts."

"It must be Dumbledore, then," said Snape desperately. "Or maybe McGonagall."

"They are both powerful wizards, but neither of them has the expertise in potions that you do, Severus. You are the only one on this staff capable of creating such a potion."

"What do you want from me, Lupin?!" Snape shouted. "Why did you come back here?!"

"Well, for one thing, Albus asked me to. And..." Lupin hesitated, then said softly, "And I wanted to see you again." Snape's mouth dropped open; he just stood there staring at Lupin. When no reply seemed to be forthcoming, Lupin continued, "I don't expect you to forgive me, nor am I under any illusions that you might want to rekindle our old romance. It was enough for me just to be near you once again, as pathetic as that may sound." He gave Snape--who was still in shock--a sad, crooked little smile. "Please say something, Severus."

Snape's voice didn't seem to work; he opened his mouth but nothing came out. Damn Lupin, anyway! First that sunlight-drenched vision of him had ripped away Snape's defenses, then he had smiled that mischievous little smile Snape remembered so well from their schoolboy days, cutting like a knife through his heart. He couldn't eat, and he couldn't sleep without dreaming of blue eyes and brown hair and smooth skin--even the old nightmares about Voldemort had been easier to bear than this! He told himself it must be hunger and sleep deprivation that had addled his wits, leaving him silently opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish. He must look even worse than he thought, because a look of concern suddenly appeared on Lupin's face and he took a step towards Snape. The little voice in Snape's head screamed at him to flee, while the more detached, professional side of him was telling him that perhaps he ought to increase the dosage of the Wolfsbane Potion because Lupin really looked awful: lines of pain creased his face, and his skin was sickly-pale and clammy-looking. Just as that thought crossed his mind, the half-empty goblet fell from Lupin's fingers, hitting the floor with a loud clatter, and splashing them both with the remainder of the potion.

Lupin grabbed at the edge of his desk as his legs crumpled beneath him. He missed, but he heard someone scream, "Lupin!" and strong arms closed around him, catching him before he hit the floor. He felt an odd sense of deja vu as he slumped against Snape's chest, the feel of plush wool beneath his face and hands carrying him back to his schoolboy days. For a moment he thought he was a teenager again, safely wrapped in his lover's arms. Perhaps it was wrong of him to take advantage of the moment, when Severus was merely trying to help him, but he clung to his former lover, wanting to savor this feeling for as long as he could before Snape pushed him away again.

The warm weight of Lupin in his arms made Snape feel lightheaded, and he almost fainted himself. He told himself he should push Lupin away, or at least set him down in a chair and go get some help, but he no longer seemed to have any control over his own body. His arms wrapped themselves more tightly around Lupin, pulling him closer; a strand of golden-brown hair tickled his nose, and to his horror, he found himself nuzzling and kissing Lupin's soft, silky hair. As if that wasn't bad enough, his body began to have a perfectly normal but highly embarrassing reaction to the sensation of Lupin pressed close against him. His cheeks burning with shame, he tried to gently ease himself away from Lupin, but the werewolf held on to him with a grip that was surprisingly strong for a near-invalid. Then he heard a soft gasp, and to his astonishment, felt Lupin's body responding to his own. Lupin moaned, and that sound destroyed the last shred of Snape's self control. 

He kissed Lupin with bruising force, sliding his tongue between Lupin's eagerly parting lips. Their tongues entwined, and he could taste the lingering bitterness of the Wolfsbane potion, but he didn't care. Snape ran his tongue along Lupin's teeth, aroused rather than repulsed by the sharpness of his canines, just slightly longer and more pointed than a normal human's should be. He pushed Lupin back almost violently until he was pinned between Snape and the wall--not that Lupin showed any signs of wanting to get away. _This is insane,_ he thought as he ground his hips against Lupin's, but Lupin's involuntary cry of pleasure awoke a fierce joy in him, banishing any semblance of rational thought. "You can't deny that you want me, Lupin," he said in a hoarse growl.

"I...would never...do...that...Severus," Lupin gasped, then gave up trying to speak as another moan broke free of his lips. He looked into Snape's black eyes and saw a conflicting mix of emotions: lust, fear, joy, and anger, all merged into a burning intensity that frightened Lupin more than a little. He wasn't sure it would be a good idea for them to sleep together without resolving their feelings for each other first. At least, that was what his common sense told him; his body was telling him in no uncertain terms that it wanted Severus RIGHT NOW as it bucked and writhed uncontrollably beneath Severus's hips, frantically trying to increase the friction between them. He pulled Severus's face down and kissed him hungrily, throwing common sense to the wind. He didn't care whether this was love or lust on Severus's part, didn't care if Severus hated him afterwards; he was willing to accept whatever crumbs of affection Snape threw his way. Perhaps he ought to be ashamed of that, but after all, a poverty-struck werewolf had little pride to lose...

He had just enough presence of mind left to break off the kiss and whisper, "Not here, Severus--what if a student walks in?"

Snape cursed and muttered, "Can't Apparate in the bloody castle." Lupin began to regret saying anything; maybe he should have just locked the door and taken his chances rather than risk Snape's ardor cooling in the time it took to find someplace more private. But he needn't have worried; Snape opened the door a crack and took a quick look around. When he was satisfied that no one was in sight, he took Lupin's hand and pulled him out into the hall. They ran down the corridor, then Snape turned and led Lupin down a dusty hallway that he didn't recognize. It turned out to be a dead end, but Snape reached up and pressed one of the bricks in the wall, and a hidden door soundlessly slid open. Lupin's eyes went round with surprise, and Snape grinned almost boyishly as he said, "What, did you think you were the only one who knew about secret passageways in this castle?" 

Lupin just laughed, feeling once more like a teenager on an illicit adventure as they ran hand in hand down the passageway to Snape's dungeon quarters.

*** 

Snape kicked the door shut behind him, not wanting to take his hands off Lupin for even a second. They stumbled towards the bed, fumbling awkwardly with each other's robes. Impatient with desire, Snape gave up fiddling with buttons and fastenings, and pulled hard on Lupin's robe; the thin and much-darned fabric gave way easily with a loud ripping sound. Snape felt a brief moment of guilt, but told himself he'd mend Lupin's robe later magically, or better yet, buy him a new one. Meanwhile, Lupin seemed to be equally frustrated with the long row of tiny buttons on Snape's shirt; he yanked hard on the cloth, which (being made of more sturdy and expensive stuff than Lupin's) held, but the buttons did not--they bounced, scattered, and rolled all over the bedroom floor. Snape would probably never find them all, but right at this moment he didn't give a damn. The rest of their clothing went flying every which way, and they tumbled down onto the bed together.

The intense pleasure of skin-to-skin contact was almost too much for Snape to bear, and he pulled away from Lupin for a moment to catch his breath, propping himself up on his elbows as he stared down at the other man. Lupin looked beautiful, his face flushed, and his gold-and-silver hair spread out against the white of the sheets, although he was a little too pale and gaunt. A sliver of sanity worked its way through the haze of desire, and Snape frowned. "Are you sure we should be doing this now, when you're feeling so sick?" he asked hesitantly.

"No!" exclaimed Lupin. "I mean, yes, I want to do this, and no, I'm not too sick! Please, Severus, I want you so much!" Snape hesitated, wrestling with his conscience and his lust, and Lupin begged, "Please, Severus, I want you inside me, please please please!"

That tipped Snape over the edge; the sight and sound of a naked Lupin in his bed pleading with him shamelessly was something that was all too close to his deepest, darkest fantasies. His mouth had gone dry, and it took him three tries to croak out the words of a summoning charm, conjuring into his hand a small jar of scented oil that he normally used in making healing salves for Madam Pomfrey. He coated his fingers with the oil and inserted one into Lupin as gently as his clamoring need would let him, but he felt Lupin tense and let out what sounded like a soft hiss of...pain? Discomfort? Snape instantly stopped, asking anxiously, "Am I hurting you?"

"No," gasped Lupin. "It's just...it's been a long time for me." Snape wondered jealously just how long it had been and who his last lover was. Then Lupin whispered urgently, "I'm all right, Severus, please don't stop," and nothing else mattered. He bent down and kissed Lupin, moving his finger in slow, gentle strokes until he felt his lover relax. Encouraged, he eased another finger into Lupin, who moaned and lifted his hips, impaling himself on Snape's fingers. Snape felt his breath go ragged. As a teenager, Lupin had been a willing lover, but slightly shy and self conscious; it was unbelievably exciting for him to now watch Lupin writhe and moan wantonly beneath him, his face contorted with pleasure. Snape reveled in the fact that it was he who had put that look of pleasure on Lupin's face; he could not take his eyes off Lupin, and eventually his lover became aware of his intent gaze. "You're staring at me, Severus," he said huskily.

"Does that bother you?" Snape asked.

"Not exactly...I'm just...a little embarrassed, I guess," Lupin replied, blushing in a way that Snape found quite endearing. There was still a bit of the shy teenager left in him, it seemed. Lupin started to turn his face away, but Snape stopped him with his free hand, and looked directly into the Lupin's blue eyes.

"Don't be," he said seriously. "You're beautiful, Remus."

Lupin felt his eyes fill with tears of happiness; Severus had not called him by his first name since that night in the Shrieking Shack. He let go of any lingering modesty or false pride, and abandoned himself to the moment; self-control had always mattered more to Severus than himself anyway. He tangled his hands in Severus's black hair, as he'd been wanting to do since his first day back at Hogwarts, kissing him greedily. He let out a muffled groan and rocked his hips back and forth as Severus's fingers continued to move inside him; it felt wonderful but he wanted more. He tore his lips free from his lover's and pleaded, "Severus, please, I can't wait anymore, I want you now, please, Severus, please--" He was aware that he was starting to babble incoherently, but was beyond caring.

"Are you sure?" asked Snape, his voice harsh with desire. 

"Yes!" Lupin growled in frustration. "Stop being so damn solicitous, Severus!" Snape laughed, a delightfully wicked sound; low and husky. His voice had gotten deeper since they'd been boys; it was quite sexy really... And then he lost his train of thought completely as he felt Severus slowly enter him, stretching and filling him, and he cried out in mingled pleasure and pain.

"Am I hurting you?" Snape panted. His eyes still had that dark, burning need in them, warring with his self-control. Lupin ran his hands up Severus's arms, over his shoulders, and down his back, feeling how his muscles were knotted with tension as he fought to keep his desire in check.

_For my sake,_ thought Lupin, touched by his lover's concern for him despite the heat of the moment and all the years of animosity that lay between them. "No," Lupin answered aloud; it was not precisely a lie. It hurt a little, but he wanted Severus so badly that he barely noticed it. "I'm not made of glass," he said, his voice sounding as ragged and breathless as Severus's. Snape moaned as Lupin's hands caressed his back, but continued moving slowly, until Lupin groaned impatiently, his hips snapping up in one swift movement, driving Snape deep inside of him. And with that, Snape finally lost control, thrusting hard and fast into Lupin. There was nothing tender or gentle about it; they were both caught up in raw need and sheer animal lust. Pain merged into white-hot pleasure, and Lupin wrapped his legs around Snape's waist and clawed at his back, trying to draw his lover deeper inside of him. He thought the wolf might be partly responsible for this reckless, overwhelming desire, but for once he didn't try to fight off the beast within. He gave up any attempt at rational thought and lost himself in the scent, touch, and taste of his mate. Pleasure built up in ever-increasing waves until with one final, deep thrust he felt Severus come inside him, and Lupin threw back his head and screamed as he came as well.

They fell back to the bed, sated and exhausted. Lupin made a small sound--half-pleasure, half-protest--as his lover slid out of him. Snape started to smile, then frowned as he caught sight of a small streak of red blood on the sheets beneath them. "I'm sorry," he said contritely. Snape normally hated apologizing to anyone, but this time the words fell from his lips without his thinking about it. "I didn't mean to hurt you; you should have said something." 

Lupin just gave him a lazy, sensual smile through the strands of gold-brown hair that, as usual, fell disheveled across his face, and for a moment Snape forgot to breathe. "I'm fine, Severus," Lupin reassured him. "It's just been a long time since I, well, you know..."

"How long?" Snape blurted out, then said, "Never mind, it's none of my business." The truth was he didn't want to know because he couldn't stand the thought of anyone else touching Lupin.

But Lupin was already answering in a soft voice, "Almost twenty years." He was still smiling, but his eyes looked sad and a little apprehensive.

Snape did some quick math in his head. "How long exactly?" he asked in a strangled voice.

"You heard right, Severus," said Lupin, still smiling sadly. "The last time was with you, the last day of Christmas vacation..."

Snape's mouth did the goldfish thing again, opening and closing soundlessly. When he finally got his voice back, he asked incredulously, "You...haven't been...with anyone...but...ME?!"

"Yes," replied Lupin calmly.

"Why!?" shouted Snape.

"Partly because I was afraid to trust anyone with my secret, and after what happened between us, I didn't think it would be fair to sleep with anyone unless I told them the truth about me." There was nothing accusing in Lupin's tone, but Snape still flushed guiltily. "But also because...I have never really wanted anyone but you, Severus." He smiled, apparently amused by the dumbfounded look on Snape's face. "I hope you don't expect me to ask you the same question, because I'm afraid the answer might make me jealous." Lupin kept his voice light, but Snape could tell by the look in his eyes that he wasn't joking.

_He still wants me, after all these years,_ marveled Snape. _The thought of me being with someone else makes him jealous!_ He could hardly believe it, that Lupin could still want him after the way Snape had treated him; certainly others had readily hated him for far less reason. But all he said was, "There's been no one special." That was an understatement; while he had not exactly been celibate, he had never taken another lover. When he felt the need to satisfy his physical desires, he would find a discreet establishment where companionship could be had for a price, with no messy emotional entanglements. But those encounters were few and far between because they were ultimately unsatisfying; although he took care never to choose a partner with brown hair or blue eyes, inevitably his thoughts would turn to Lupin, and he would fantasize that it was Lupin in his arms instead of some faceless stranger. And the moment of physical release was not worth the heartache those fantasies brought on. 

But the real Lupin was lying beside him now, and Snape felt Lupin's hand (real this time, no vision!) reach up and caress his cheek. "Then I will be content with that," said Lupin, giving him a real smile this time. 

Snape traced the curve of those lips with his fingers, then gently nipped at Lupin's earlobe and trailed kisses along his jaw and down his neck. Lupin sighed and tilted his head back, exposing his white throat like a wolf in submission. Inflamed, Snape kissed the hollow of his throat, and bit and sucked at the soft skin there, leaving a dark bruise. _My, my,_ said the sarcastic little voice in Snape's head, _aren't we being territorial? I thought it was Lupin who was the beast, not you._ Snape started to tell the voice to shut up, but was distracted when his lips brushed against something cold and metallic. Almost hidden by Lupin's long hair was a thin gold chain that looked oddly familiar. He tugged at the chain, and fished out the pendant at the end of it, which had fallen back and become tangled in Lupin's hair. It was a small piece of clear quartz, etched with a magical rune of good luck.

"Y-you ke-kept this?" stuttered Snape, staring at the necklace he'd given Lupin for Christmas eighteen years ago.

Lupin smiled warmly at him. "I've never taken it off," he said. 

Just when he thought Lupin couldn't surprise him any further... Snape stared at the pendant in his hand, and was once more struck speechless. His eyes stung and his throat hurt, and he felt his heart swelling with both tenderness and guilt. He dropped the pendant and reached out to gently stroke Lupin's face, his hand visibly trembling. "You...you kept this," he whispered. "After all these years, after the way I treated you..." Lupin's eyes filled with tears as well, although they were shining with joy, and he was grinning from ear to ear. Unlike Snape, Lupin didn't bother to try and hold the tears back; a single tear, glistening like a diamond, fell from the corner of his eye and trickled down his cheek. Snape leaned over and kissed the tear away, lightly brushing his tongue against Lupin's cheek, savoring the salty-sweet taste. More tears followed, and Snape gently lapped those up as well. "I'm sorry, Remus," he whispered, once more surprised at how easily the words of remorse came to his lips. "That charm didn't bring you much good luck after all."

"Au contraire," Lupin murmured, twining his hands in Snape's hair and pulling his face down to be kissed. "It brought you back to me, so I consider it to be very lucky."

"A pretty slow-acting charm," mumbled Snape, still feeling guilty.

"Then let's not waste any more time," Lupin purred, sending a shiver down Snape's spine.

And they didn't.

*** 

They made love every night leading up to the full moon. With the sharp edge of their hunger slaked by that first encounter, their lovemaking was less frenzied and more gentle, but Snape still worried that Lupin was too ill to be doing anything remotely strenuous; he had nearly collapsed simply taking a few steps across the room, for God's sake! But Lupin insisted he was fine, claiming that their bedroom activities were "highly therapeutic". And indeed, he did seem a little less pale and weak. Certainly he was energetic enough in bed; in fact, he often had a downright feral look in his eyes that Snape found incredibly erotic. Snape wondered if it had anything to do with his inner wolf and the fact that the full moon was almost upon them. Maybe Lupin's sudden desire for him was just some werewolf hormonal thing... _Then again,_ said the sarcastic little voice that Snape had grown used to arguing with over the years, _perhaps he's merely making up for two decades of celibacy. After all, you've been just as frisky as our little werewolf, and the full moon doesn't affect you, so what's your excuse, hmm?_

"Oh, shut up," Snape muttered.

"Did you say something, Severus?" Lupin asked, as he looked up from the papers he was grading at Snape's desk. 

"Er...nothing," said Snape, his face flushing slightly. "I was just wondering how you were feeling."

"Fine," said Lupin with a smile. He still looked a little tired and drawn, but nowhere near as bad as he had looked last month.

"Any pain? Nausea?" Snape asked in a clipped, professional tone as he looked Lupin over carefully.

Lupin just grinned at him, a look of amusement in his eyes. "I'm fine, Doctor Snape," he said flippantly. When Snape continued to look at him sternly, he relented and said, "There is some pain, but it's not as bad as it usually is. And I hardly feel nauseous at all. I was actually able to finish my dinner tonight." He grinned again and added, "I notice you have your appetite back, too, Severus."

It was true; his incipient ulcer had vanished, and he attacked his meals with relish. He'd noticed Lupin had also been actually eating his food, and not just picking at it as he normally did this close to his transformation. Snape wanted to keep their relationship a secret, for privacy's sake as well as to keep any Death Eaters from hearing about it, so they continued to squabble at the dinner table. Or rather, Snape would make his usual snide remarks, and Lupin, as usual, would give him a polite smile and ignore him. But every now and then, Lupin's foot would brush against his under the table, or his hand would rest briefly on Snape's thigh, sending his blood racing as Lupin continued to chat nonchalantly with whatever teacher was sitting next to him, a look of hidden merriment dancing in his blue eyes. And Snape would scowl ferociously at Lupin while he privately plotted to get his revenge in bed later by making Lupin beg him for release; not that his own desire would let him torment Lupin for long, but it was a little game they both enjoyed...

Apparently Lupin sensed the direction his thoughts were taking, because he set aside his papers and rose from the desk. He slipped his arms around Snape's waist and nuzzled his neck, whispering, "Ready for another go-round?"

Snape laughed as he ran his hands through Lupin's hair. "My, you are feeling quite healthy for someone who was practically at death's door a few days ago!" Then he paused, his eyes narrowing as he gave Lupin a suspicious look. "It's quite convenient, isn't it, how you always seem to faint when I'm around to catch you?"

"I didn't fake it, if that's what you're asking, Severus," Lupin replied, unoffended. Then he grinned in that mischievous way that Snape found so irresistible, and said, "But I might have, if I had known it would lead to this!"

Snape couldn't help smiling as he stroked Lupin's face, which, flushed with desire, had lost its sickly-looking pallor. "You really do look a lot better," he said.

"It must be your Wolfsbane Potion," said Lupin.

"You took the potion last month and you still looked like crap," Snape said bluntly.

"Well then, it must be you," Lupin laughed. "See, I told you it was therapeutic! So come give me my treatment, Professor Snape..."

Snape let his hand slide down Lupin's face to his chest, where the quartz pendant rested beneath his open shirt. True to his word, Lupin never took it off, not even in bed. Snape ran his fingers over the surface of the stone, reassured by its cold smoothness. Wolfish instincts might account for Lupin's increased desire, but werewolf hormones would not have forced him to wear a childish love-token for nearly twenty years. For once, the sarcastic voice in his head had nothing to say, and Snape sighed with relief as he allowed Lupin to lead him back to the bed.

*** 

When Lupin did not show up at Snape's dungeon quarters the night of the full moon, Snape took the goblet of Wolfsbane Potion to Lupin's office.

"Oh, thank you, Severus," said Lupin as he drank the potion, hastily gulping it down to avoid tasting it.

"I was expecting you in my quarters," said Snape, frowning at his lover, who seemed to be avoiding his eyes.

"Ah, I think it would be better if I spent the night here," said Lupin nervously. "What with my transformation coming on and all..."

"Wouldn't you like some company?" asked Snape, still frowning.

"Um...I'm not sure that would be such a good idea..." hedged Lupin. 

"Why not?" snapped Snape. "You're perfectly harmless when you take the potion." _Not exactly harmless,_ the voice in his head pointed out dryly. _Not with that sweet smile and those come-hither eyes..._ Snape ignored the voice and continued, "What's the matter, don't you trust the efficacy of my potion? It worked last month, didn't it?"

"That's not what I meant, Severus," said Lupin wearily. "I just meant...the transformation is a very unpleasant process...and it might stir up old memories for you..."

"Oh, I see," said Snape coldly. "It's not the potion, but me, that you don't trust."

"That's not what I meant, Severus!" Lupin repeated in frustration. "I almost killed you that night in the Shrieking Shack! Seeing me transform is bound to provoke an emotional response, no matter what the rational part of your mind knows. And I can't bear to see you look at me that way again--with fear and disgust!" Lupin trembled, a mixture of fear, shame, and hurt in his eyes.

_Old wounds heal slowly, for both of us, it seems,_ Snape thought, feeling guilty for forgetting he had not been the only one who had suffered during their long separation. Lupin's white flesh was smooth and unscarred, showing no sign of the bites and scratches he must have inflicted on himself during past transformations, for werewolves healed any non-fatal wounds almost instantaneously. But clearly, there were still scars in his heart, as there were in Snape's.

"Please, Remus," he said quietly. "Let me stay with you. I won't be disgusted, I promise. I assure you I have seen far worse things than a werewolf's transformation during my tenure with Voldemort."

"I don't want you to see me as a monster," Lupin whispered.

"I never saw you as a monster," Snape said, reaching out to touch Lupin's face. Startled blue eyes looked up into his, and Snape continued, "I only said that to hurt you because I was angry."

Bewildered now, Lupin asked, "But...then why...?"

"I never hated you because you were a werewolf," Snape admitted, with great difficulty, because he finally had to also admit that he had been lying to himself all these years. "If you had shared your secret with me, I would have guarded it, guarded you, with my life." He heard his voice quaver slightly, as Lupin stared at him speechlessly. He took a deep breath, and continued in a more steady voice, "I hated you because you shared your secret with your Gryffindor friends but not with me. I hated that you loved and trusted them more than you did me. That was what I could not forgive, not your lycanthropy." _I wanted to be first in your heart,_ the voice in his head whispered silently, but he could not quite bring himself to say that out loud.

"Oh, Severus," Lupin whispered. "I didn't love them more, just differently. I had known them longer, and they found out on their own; I never would have had the courage to tell them otherwise. I was so used to having to hide what I was, so used to being frightened and ashamed all the time... I was young, Severus, and terrified that I'd lose you if I told you the truth...but I lost you anyway, didn't I?" He smiled bitterly and said, "So I guess I should have simply told you the truth to begin with. But I was going to, honestly, Severus. I just didn't know how to go about it, so I was going to ask Dumbledore to help me, but then Sirius..." His voice trailed off, and Snape grimaced. "I honestly didn't know what Sirius was going to do, Severus," Lupin said earnestly.

"I know," Snape admitted, letting go of another lie. He managed to smile, although it came out a bit twisted. "You were always too much of a goody-good to do such a thing."

Lupin smiled, albeit a bit tearfully, and said softly, "I'm sorry I hurt you, Severus. I never meant to."

"I know," Snape replied. "So will you let me stay with you tonight?" 

"If you really want to..." Lupin said hesitantly, but there was still an apprehensive look in his eyes, and for a moment, he looked young and vulnerable, like a teenager once again.

"I want to show you something," said Snape, unbuttoning his shirt.

"Er...I don't really think there's time for that before the full moon comes up--" Lupin said, giggling nervously.

Snape glared at him. "I'm not going to ravish you, you dolt! I just wanted to show you this--" He pulled open his shirt, exposing his white chest, and Lupin licked his lips despite himself, then stared, all prurient thoughts suddenly forgotten, at the wooden medallion resting on Snape's chest, strung on a piece of black cord. 

"You kept this!" Lupin exclaimed. "I wanted to ask, but I was afraid you would tell me you had thrown it away." He reached out and ran his fingers over the serpent he had carved for Severus's Christmas present during their schoolboy days. The edges of the wooden disc were slightly blackened, though, as if they'd been burnt...

"Um...I did throw it in the fire once," Snape said a little sheepishly, "not long after we broke up. But I reached in and grabbed it back right away."

"Did you burn yourself?" Lupin asked, looking concerned.

"Well, yes, but it wasn't so bad," said Snape, still slightly embarrassed by that admission of sentimentality.

"I'm sorry," said Lupin, taking Snape's right hand and covering it with gentle kisses.

"Idiot, it's not as if it still hurts," Snape groused, although he was secretly enjoying the touch of Lupin's lips on his hand. "Er...actually, it was the other hand," he lied. Lupin grinned impishly, but didn't call his bluff, and covered Snape's left hand with kisses as well. Just then, a beam of moonlight fell through the window, and Lupin gasped and dropped Snape's hand.

"Lock the door if you're going to stay," said Lupin hoarsely, and Snape did so. When he turned back, he found Lupin curled up on the floor in a fetal position, groaning in pain. The potion allowed Lupin to keep his sanity in wolf form, but it did nothing to alleviate the pain of the transformation. He screamed as his flesh and bones began to twist and reshape themselves. 

Snape went pale, but forced himself to watch, as Lupin clawed at floor, his face tense and sweaty with pain and fear. He appeared to be fighting the transformation, as almost any sane person would, but there was really no point to that, was there, since the change would come no matter how hard he fought it? He thought about how Lupin had joked that their lovemaking had been therapeutic, but what if that had been no jest, but the truth? The two most primal urges of any beast were the need to hunt and the need to mate. Lupin had been healthier this week, so perhaps he could make the transformation easier by giving in to the beast instead of fighting it...

"Don't fight it, Lupin!" Snape shouted. "Give in to the wolf; just let it happen! There's no need to fight it, the potion will keep you safe, I promise. Trust me, Remus, please..."

Lupin forced himself to lie still on the floor, panting heavily. It was still painful, but the change happened more quickly and easily once he stopped fighting it. 

Snape watched as Lupin's shape blurred and changed, and then a large brown wolf lay panting on the floor. In spite of himself, he felt a sharp twinge of fear as he remembered the wolf in the Shrieking Shack. But this time the wolf's blue eyes were sane, the same gentle and slightly worried look in them as the human Lupin's eyes. Snape relaxed, and sat down on the floor so he was at eye level with the wolf, slowly extending one hand. The wolf padded over and gave his hand a friendly, tentative lick. Without thinking, Snape stroked the wolf's head and scratched behind its ears, then stopped, horrified at himself for treating Lupin like a pet dog. But the wolf butted its head gently against Snape's hand, obviously urging him to continue. So he continued scratching the wolf behind the ears with one hand, and with the other, scratched under its jaw and in the thick ruff of fur around its neck. Snape found petting the wolf to be oddly soothing, and he murmured, "You're beautiful in any form, Lupin." The wolf laid its head contentedly in Snape's lap, its bushy tail lightly slapping the floor as Snape continued to stroke its fur. "See?" crooned Snape softly. "There was nothing to be afraid of..."

*** 

Snape woke up the next morning, still propped up in a sitting position against the office wall, with Lupin still lying in his lap, human once again. Snape's back ached and his neck was stiff, but he had never felt better in his life. He grinned as he stroked Lupin's long, silky hair as he had stroked the wolf's shorter, more coarse fur, and the young man lying in his lap blinked sleepily and smiled up at him.

"Good morning, Severus."

"Good morning, Lupin. Have a good night's sleep?"

"The best I've had in years," replied Lupin. "But that position can't have been very comfortable for you." 

"Oh, it has its benefits," said Snape, still grinning as he continued to stroke Lupin's hair. He started to lean down to kiss Lupin, but winced as his stiff muscles registered a protest.

"Here, let me," said Lupin, sitting up in one fluid, graceful motion, and began to massage Snape's shoulders and back. Lupin smiled as he watched his lover's face relax, the lines of his face smoothed by a look of contentment he had never seen before, not even when they were boys. He kissed Snape lightly on the cheek, and said softly, "Thank you, Severus."

Snape's smile grew a bit more smug, making him look like the proverbial cat who swallowed the cream, and Lupin repressed a chuckle. "So you trust me now."

"Yes, Severus." Another kiss, this time on the lips. "With my life."

The sarcastic voice in Snape's head tried to think of a snappy comeback but was lulled into silence by the warm glow of contentment slowly spreading through his body, and both Snape and the voice surrendered themselves to Lupin's ministrations.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lupin and Snape share a pleasant Christmas together, but tension builds when they quarrell over Harry, and Sirius Black returns.

The next few weeks passed quickly and pleasantly for both Lupin and Snape. To Snape's relief, Lupin's desire for him did not wane with the full moon, although it did seem to intensify as the moon begin to wax once more as the holidays approached. _A pleasant, if unexpected, side effect,_ thought Snape with a grin, wondering if there was a way for him to pass that information on to Professor Kamiyama without revealing his and Lupin's identities. He snickered to himself as he imagined writing a report that said, "The Wolfsbane Potion is much more palatable and effective when accompanied by a week's worth of intense sexual activity..." Then he sobered, realizing that the discovery that the transformation could be eased by giving in to the beast to a certain degree was indeed a significant one. That information had no direct bearing on the Wolfsbane Potion, but perhaps in time, they could find a way to make it more effective... Snape picked up a quill pen and began composing a carefully worded letter to his Japanese colleague.

As Christmas drew nearer, Snape found himself in an almost jolly mood, although he doubted that anyone other than Lupin was aware of it since the only visible manifestation of his good cheer was that he "terrorized his students" (as Lupin put it) with renewed vigor. The Ravenclaws tiptoed carefully around him, the Gryffindors stared at him with sheer hatred in their eyes, the Hufflepuffs quaked in their boots as he swept around the classroom, his black robes billowing around him, and even his own Slytherins pouted sullenly at the amount of homework he gleefully heaped upon them. 

As for the teachers, none of them seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary either, although Professor Flitwick hesitantly ventured to say that perhaps he was being a "bit harsh" on the students, but didn't pursue the matter after Snape snarled at him to mind his own business. Professor Trelawney made dire if vague predictions about his impending demise, but that was nothing new. And when Snape started glaring at her blackly while rubbing the place on his arm where the Dark Mark was branded, she quickly found more important matters to attend to; his status as a former Death Eater had few advantages, but occasionally it came in handy. He was a bit worried that Dumbledore might suspect something, though. Although Lupin swore he had told Albus nothing, Snape caught the Headmaster staring at him one evening at dinner with a self-satisfied look on his face.

"Is there something you find amusing, Headmaster?" Snape asked in a deliberately snotty tone of voice. If one of his own students had spoken to him that way, he'd have had the miscreant scrubbing bedpans in the hospital wing for a week, but Dumbledore simply continued to smile, and stroked his beard in a way that was downright smug.

"Not at all, Severus," Dumbledore said innocently. "I am just pleased to see that you have your appetite back. You've been a bit off your feed since the beginning of the term, old boy, but I'm glad to see you're feeling better."

Snape gritted his teeth; Dumbledore only called him "old boy" to get on his nerves, he was sure of it. He supposed he ought to be grateful to the Headmaster for bringing Lupin back to Hogwarts, but he was damned if he was going to give the meddling old busybody the satisfaction of knowing he was right! So he picked a fight with Lupin by accidentally-on-purpose bumping his arm, knocking over a glass of wine--liberally splashing both the table and Lupin, then blamed it on Lupin for being a "clumsy git". Lupin just mopped up the mess with a napkin, and gave him a long-suffering look that said without words, "Aren't you being a little childish, Severus?" The werewolf got his revenge later, though, by unexpectedly slipping his hand beneath the table and trailing his fingers along the inside of Snape's thigh, causing the Potions Master to nearly choke on his dinner. Hagrid "helpfully" pounded on his back, nearly breaking his bones in the process, while Lupin hovered over him solicitously, a hint of suppressed laughter in his blue eyes.

_You'll pay for this later!_ Snape thought as he glared at Lupin.

But it was the wolf who peered out from behind Lupin's eyes and said, _I certainly hope so,_ with that lascivious, feral grin, and it took every ounce of Snape's self-control to keep from pouncing on him right there at the dinner table. The grin lasted for only a second, too quick for anyone else to notice before Lupin's features settled back into an expression of guileless concern. But both men soon found excuses to leave the table early: Snape sourly said he needed to rest after his near-death experience, and Lupin left a few minutes later to change his wine-stained robes. 

Flitwick watched Lupin's retreating form with concern as he said, "Perhaps you ought to separate those two as much as possible, Albus, before any blood is shed."

Dumbledore just chuckled and stroked his beard. "Oh, I hardly think that will be necessary, Filius."

*** 

Christmas arrived, and Snape's good mood was strained by the fact that the full moon fell on December 25th that year. Not that he would have minded spending Christmas with the wolf curled up in his lap, but Dumbledore was planning his usual Christmas feast, and it would look odd if both Lupin and Snape didn't show up for dinner.

"Go ahead, Severus. You don't want to blow our cover, after all," Lupin said with his usual mischievous smile. "I'll be all right. I'm not afraid of the wolf anymore, thanks to you." He raised the goblet of Wolfsbane Potion in a mock-toast and gulped it down. 

Snape gave Lupin a long kiss, despite the bitter taste of aconite on his lips. He grimaced slightly and muttered, "There must be a way to make that blasted potion taste better..." Of course, there had been little incentive before for him to improve on the taste as long as the potion itself was effective, but now that he and Lupin were a couple... Unconsciously, his lips curved into a smile at that last thought.

"I would be ever so grateful if you could," said Lupin, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Now go on, before you're late."

"I'll be back as soon as I can," said Snape, reluctantly turning to leave.

"Save me some Christmas pudding," Lupin called after him cheerfully.

*** 

Time slowed to an interminable crawl for Snape as he endured two hours of mindless chatter and holiday cheer; Lupin definitely had the better end of the bargain, despite being cooped up in Snape's quarters in the shape of a wolf. Dumbledore brought out those ridiculous wizard crackers; Snape gladly handed his "prize" over to the Headmaster. From the gossip he'd heard, and by the way Weasley and Potter were smirking, he suspected the vulture-topped hat closely resembled the hat the boggart-Snape had been wearing. As if that wasn't bad enough, Sybill Trelawney sat next to him and maundered on about her morbid predictions, focusing on Lupin this time for some reason. Snape was sorely tempted to invoke the Imperius Curse just to make her shut up.

"...Professor Lupin will not be with us for very long," Trelawney was saying. "He seems aware, himself, that his time is very short. He positively fled when I offered to crystal-gaze for him--"

_As any sane man would,_ Snape thought dourly. _Surely the Headmaster would forgive just one tiny, little curse..._

"Imagine that," said McGonagall dryly; apparently Snape was not the only one who was fed up with Trelawney's "predictions". Fortunately, the Headmaster jumped in and changed the subject before Snape did anything that would get him thrown in Azkaban, and they managed to get through dinner without further incident, although Sybill prophesied disaster for the first person to leave the table. However, since that would be either Potter or Weasley, Snape wasn't particularly concerned. He lingered behind after the others had gone, and put together a plate of leftovers for Lupin.

"Still hungry, Severus?" a voice behind him asked.

Snape jumped, nearly dropping the plate. "Oh, Headmaster! You startled me; I thought everyone else had left. Er...yes, well, I'm not hungry now, but I just thought I might, ah, want a little snack later..."

Dumbledore smiled, a twinkle in his eyes, and said, "Of course, Severus. Perhaps you might want to take a plate up to Professor Lupin as well, since he missed dinner tonight."

Snape's face turned beet-red and he growled, "I'm not his servant! Lupin can fetch his own damn dinner!" He whirled about, his robes swishing around him as he stalked off in a huff.

As he walked back to his own quarters, Dumbledore chuckled to himself, "You're a clever old wizard, Albus, if I do say so myself!"

*** 

Snape returned to his rooms and found Lupin already in wolf form, curled up peacefully in the middle of his bed. But he looked up, sniffing the air eagerly as Snape walked in. The wolf sat up, barking happily as he wagged his tail.

Snape sat down next to Lupin, and asked jokingly, "Is it me or the food that you're so happy to see?" Lupin barked again, and covered Snape's face with wet, wolfish kisses. "Enough, enough!" Snape laughed, pushing the wolf away from him. Lupin subsided, and Snape wiped his face on his robe, grumbling, "Ugh, wolf drool!" Lupin just grinned unrepentantly (if a wolf could be said to grin), and sniffed at the plate of food. "Hungry?" asked Snape, and the wolf seemed to nod, so he laid the plate down beside them and watched Lupin eat. The wolf quickly gulped down the turkey and sausages, but lingered over the Christmas pudding, savoring the taste. Snape smiled; apparently Lupin liked sweets in either form. When the last crumb was gone, Lupin licked his chops and settled down on the bed sleepily. Snape kicked off his shoes and sprawled out beside the wolf, who gave his face an affectionate lick. Snape stroked the wolf's fur, noting that there were silver hairs sprinkled among the brown, much as the human Lupin's hair was streaked with gray, giving his coat an unusual but attractive sheen. Snape continued to pet the wolf and scratch behind his ears as Lupin drifted off to sleep. In a strange way, he found it easier to be affectionate with the wolf, as Snape found himself murmuring sweet nothings and nonsensical endearments that he would have been too embarrassed to say to the human Lupin. Then he too fell asleep, feeling quite peaceful and at ease with the wolf's warm, furry body pressed close against his own.

*** 

He woke up several hours later with his human lover in his arms, smiling warmly at him. "Good morning, Severus," said Lupin. "At least, I assume it's morning. I don't know how you can keep track of time here in the dungeon."

"With a clock, of course." Snape's reply came out sounding much less sarcastic and much more affectionate than he had intended. _You've been getting soft since Lupin came back into your life,_ the little voice in his head accused. _Ah well, it is Christmas, after all,_ he rationalized, then promised himself, _I'll take some extra points off Gryffindor once school starts again._ His inner voice seemed satisfied with that, leaving Snape free to return Lupin's smile and say, "Merry Christmas, Lupin. Or, day after Christmas, rather."

"Merry belated Christmas, Severus," Lupin replied. "Oh, that reminds me, we haven't exchanged presents yet!"

"So who says I got you a present?" Snape grumbled, but Lupin just laughed and dragged him out of bed. Two rather pathetically small piles of presents awaited them; Lupin had few friends or family, and Snape had even less, due to his less-than-charming personality and the fact that he was still estranged from his parents. Snape did receive what he referred to as "the obligatory suck-up gifts" from the parents of some of his Slytherin students: expensive books and bottles of wine, but aside from Lupin's, the only real presents he got were a package of senbei (Japanese cookies) from Professor Kamiyama and a box of Honeyduke's fudge from Dumbledore. 

"I see you still have a sweet-tooth, Severus," Lupin observed with a grin.

"Be nice, or I won't share any with you," sniffed Snape, pretending to be offended. "Besides, I wasn't the one who, ah, 'wolfed' down the Christmas pudding last night."

"Ha ha, very funny, Severus, but I'd stick to teaching if I were you," retorted Lupin, unwrapping a winter cloak from Dumbledore and a tin of cookies from Hagrid. He experimentally dropped one on the floor, and it bounced. "Er...I suppose that's an improvement over the ones that were heavy as rocks," he said dubiously.

"You can eat them if you want, but I'm sticking with the fudge," said Snape, cradling his box of candy protectively. Then he prodded the cookie with one finger, muttering to himself in a speculative tone, "But perhaps I could find a use for it as a poison ingredient..."

"Never mind," said Lupin, hastily putting away the cookies. "I'll feed them to Fang later."

"Oh good, then I can see if it really is effective as a poison..."

Lupin ignored Snape, and opened his last present. Despite his complaints, Severus had gotten him a gift after all: two sets of robes, one black and the other a smoky blue-gray that complemented the color of his eyes. "Thank you, Severus! They're beautiful," said Lupin, giving his lover a hug and a kiss.

"Yes, well, I sort of owed it to you after I ruined your other robe..." Snape mumbled as his face turned red with embarrassment.

"Yes, well, you can tear my clothes off anytime you want," Lupin whispered playfully into his ear.

"LUPIN!" Snape howled, turning even redder. "And I used to think you were such an innocent!" he said, glaring at Lupin, who was rolling on the floor with laughter.

"I was corrupted in my youth," Lupin replied, wiping tears from his eyes. "Sorry, Severus," he said contritely, once he regained control of himself. He gave Snape a peck on the cheek and handed him a small package, saying, "Merry Christmas."

Snape tore off the wrapping and opened the small box within, revealing a copper bracelet in the shape of a snake. The serpent was coiled around itself, biting its own tail to close off the circle, and had tiny garnet chips for eyes. 

"To match the medallion I made for you," Lupin said, a little shyly.

"Thank you," said Snape, but he felt a little uneasy as he thought about the serpent-and-skull tattoo branded on his arm, although it was at present faded to a nearly unnoticeable blur.

Something must have shown in his eyes, because Lupin said anxiously, "If you don't like it, we can take it back to Hogsmeade and exchange it--"

"No, no, it's fine," Snape said hastily. "It's just that I hope this doesn't mean that you think of me as a snake," he laughed nervously, attempting to turn it into a joke. "I remember that's what your friends used to call me--"

Lupin just gave him a gentle smile and said, "I loved you because you were a Slytherin, not in spite of it; I never wanted to make you over into an honorary Gryffindor. In the West, the serpent is a symbol of treachery, but in Asia it's a symbol of wisdom. I told you once that I loved every part of you--your passion for knowledge and your sharp Slytherin wit--"

"Do you love this part of me?" Snape asked harshly, pulling up his sleeve to reveal the remnants of the Dark Mark. "The part that hungered to learn the Dark Arts, the part that was seduced by Voldemort?" Fear made his voice sharp; hearing Lupin use the word "love" even in the past tense sent a tremor of terror and longing through his body. Even though Lupin was sharing his bed once again, they had both carefully avoided using the word "love" up until now...

But to Snape's utter amazement, Lupin bent down and lightly kissed the Mark on his arm. As he sat there gaping like a goldfish (again; why did Lupin always have that effect on him?), Lupin said quietly, "Yes, I love even this part of you, Severus. And I love the part of you that was brave enough to admit you were wrong and turn spy for Dumbledore."

Snape continued to sit there with his mouth hanging open, while the little voice in his head gibbered, _He said "love"--present tense! He said he loves me! He loves me, he loves me, he loves me!_ He coughed, clearing his throat, then licked lips that had suddenly gone dry, and managed to croak out the words, "Then I would be honored to wear this." He slipped the bracelet over his wrist with a trembling hand, then took Lupin in his arms and held him tightly. He buried his face in Lupin's soft hair, whispering, "Thank you, Remus." There was so much more he wanted to say, but that was all that would come out of his mouth at the moment...

"You're welcome, Severus," Lupin murmured as he returned the embrace. He had carefully avoided using the word "love" up until now, not wanting to scare Severus off. But at this moment, it seemed to be something Severus needed to hear, and Lupin felt relieved he had judged rightly, as his lover clung to him instead of pushing him away as Lupin feared he might. Lupin smiled at the heartfelt tenderness in that simple "Thank you, Remus," and smiled again at the memory of the endearments Severus had whispered to the wolf last night, no doubt thinking that Lupin was too sleepy to hear them, but he had. Of course he wanted to hear Severus actually say the words "I love you," but he was willing to be patient, since everything Severus did--from helping to create the Wolfsbane Potion, to buying him new robes, to staying with him through his transformation--proved that he did. There was no rush after all; they had all the time in the world...

*** 

Things went well for awhile, although Lupin and Snape quarreled about Potter twice in the following months. The first, and less serious argument, took place over Lupin's decision to teach Harry the Patronus Charm.

"It's too advanced for a third-year student, Lupin!"

"For an average third-year, perhaps," said Lupin. "But we both know that Harry is not your average student."

Snape snorted in disgust and rolled his eyes. "How can I forget, when it's constantly thrown in my face? Dumbledore already lets him get away with murder as it is; this will only give him an even more self-inflated opinion of himself!"

"I know you dislike the boy, Severus," Lupin said, fighting to keep his voice level. His normally boundless patience had been stretched thin by his frustration over Severus's inability to view Harry objectively, as well as by his fear that he might lose Severus over this. "But he needs to be able to defend himself, with Sirius Black on the loose." 

It obviously pained Lupin to mention his traitorous friend, and Snape's expression softened slightly. "He'll be safe as long as he stays in the castle," he said in a milder tone.

"It's not just Sirius," Lupin said wearily. "I don't trust the Dementors; they've gone after him twice now, once on the train and again on the Quidditch field."

Snape had no reply to give him. He didn't entirely trust the Dementors either, so he let the subject drop. Besides, Potter probably wouldn't be able to manage the charm, anyway...

Lupin returned from his first lesson with Potter looking pale and subdued. "What's wrong?" Snape couldn't help saying in a snide tone as he looked up from his desk. "The prize student not performing up to par?"

"No, Harry did quite well for his first time," Lupin replied distractedly.

"Then what's wrong?" Snape asked, seriously this time.

Lupin looked at him with haunted eyes. "Harry told me...when the Dementors come near him--even the fake boggart-Dementor--he can hear Lily and James screaming."

"What?!"

"He can hear Voldemort killing his parents." Lupin's face twisted in agony, and Snape jumped up and wrapped his arms around him. He held Lupin all night, and gently soothed away his tears when he wept in his sleep. Although he still didn't agree with Lupin's decision to teach Potter the Patronus Charm, he said nothing more about it, and Lupin carefully avoided the subject as well, mentioning nothing about Potter's progress or lack thereof in his lessons. 

And then Sirius Black entered the castle, unintentionally aided by that idiot Longbottom, who had apparently left the Gryffindor Tower passwords lying around on a piece of paper. 

"It looks as though you were right," Snape said grudgingly. "I just hope he's as quick a study as you seem to think he is."

"Thank you, Severus," said Lupin, giving Snape a kiss on the cheek.

"Hmmph," Snape grunted, but all was well between them again. At least until the next incident...

*** 

The second argument was more serious, and started when Draco Malfoy barged into Snape's office one day screaming something about Potter and disembodied heads. After calming the boy down and getting the full story, Snape had a pretty good idea of what must have happened, and set out in search of his prey. He soon found Potter in the vicinity of the statue of the one-eyed witch where he had been lurking earlier. "So," he said, smiling triumphantly at the guilty expression on the boy's face. "Come with me," Snape ordered.

He hauled the boy back to his office, and grilled him about the "apparition" Malfoy had seen in Hogsmeade. Potter tried to play innocent, but Snape wasn't fooled. "So," he said, giving the boy his most vicious smile, the one that struck fear into the hearts of his students, even the most jaded of the seventh-years. "Everyone from the Minister for Magic downwards has been trying to keep famous Harry Potter safe from Sirius Black. But famous Harry Potter is a law unto himself. Let the ordinary people worry about his safety! Famous Harry Potter goes where he wants to, with no thought for the consequences." The boy just stared back at him, his face carefully expressionless, and suddenly Snape was furious. After all Lupin's hard work and concern for the boy, the extra lessons and the nightmares about his parents, the ungrateful brat went and risked it all on a lark! Not only that, he wasn't even man enough to admit it and take his punishment! He was just like his father, the golden boy who thought the rules didn't apply to him...

"How extraordinarily like your father you are, Potter," Snape said, his eyes glinting with malice. He went on to describe how a little success at Quidditch went to James Potter's head, adding, "Strutting around the place with his friends and admirers...the resemblance between you is uncanny."

"My dad didn't STRUT!" Potter burst out. "And nor do I."

_Aha!_ Snape thought gleefully. _Struck a nerve, did I, boy?_ "Your father didn't set much store by the rules, either," he said aloud. "Rules were for lesser mortals, not Quidditch Cup-winners. His head was so swollen--"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Potter, leaping to his feet.

"What did you say to me, Potter?" Snape asked in a dangerous tone that would have sent anyone with even a shred of self-preservation running for the door.

But apparently he had pushed Potter too far, because the boy started screaming that Dumbledore had told him his father had saved Snape's life. "You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for my dad!"

Snape felt the blood drain out of his face. _You bastard!_ he silently swore at the man who was the closest thing he had left to family. _How dare you! How dare you speak of that to anyone, let alone Potter's son! How dare you keep meddling in my life...!_ "And did the Headmaster tell you the circumstances in which your father saved my life?" he asked, too overcome with hatred to raise his voice above a whisper. From the boy's expression, clearly the Headmaster had not. He relaxed just the slightest bit, and taunted Potter with his father's false heroism. "There was nothing brave about what he did," Snape snarled. "He was saving his skin as much as mine. Had their joke succeeded, he would have been expelled from Hogwarts."

Snape took a dark pleasure in the look of doubt that crossed the boy's face. Good. His father had shattered Snape's childish illusions; now he would return the favor to the son. Then he noticed how the boy kept hiding his hands in his pockets, and snapped, "Turn out your pockets, Potter!" The boy reluctantly did so, revealing a bag of Zonko's tricks and a piece of parchment. He saw how Potter's eyes remained riveted on the parchment, and the look of panic that crossed his face when Snape threatened to throw it into the fire. Interesting. Snape took out his wand and ordered the paper to reveal its secrets.

After three tries, words suddenly appeared on the blank surface of the parchment: "Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business." Snape froze, as he watched taunts from his childhood enemies slowly scroll across the page, as if from beyond the grave. Potter trembled in fear, as well he should. But Snape's anger was momentarily diverted to someone else...

He grabbed a fistful of powder from a jar on the fireplace, and threw it on the flames, shouting, "Lupin! I want a word!" Lupin emerged from the fireplace, brushing ash off his robes, his usual innocent expression on his face. Snape was getting very fed up with innocent-faced Gryffindors. He shoved the parchment in his lover's face and snapped, "Well?" When Lupin's face went blank, Snape had to fight off an urge to slap him. "WELL? This parchment is plainly full of Dark Magic. This is supposed to be your area of expertise. Where do you suppose Potter got such a thing?"

Lupin's gaze flickered over to Potter, giving him a look of warning, and Snape felt his blood boil. Lupin was HIS friend and lover; he wasn't supposed to be conspiring with the enemy! He wasn't supposed to be keeping secrets from Snape! _Damn it all, am I destined to come in second to a Potter my entire life?!_ Snape raged silently. 

"Full of Dark Magic?" Lupin asked in that pleasant tone he used whenever he thought Snape was being unreasonable. _Let's talk about this later,_ his eyes seemed to plead.

Snape shot back a look that said, _We'll talk about this NOW,_ and Lupin sighed, then rambled on about how it was obviously some sort of harmless prank item from a joke shop. And then Weasley rushed in, stammering some blatant lie about how he had bought the parchment from Zonko's ages ago.

"Well, that seems to clear that up!" Lupin said in a tone of false cheer. He plucked the parchment out of Snape's hand, saying, "Severus, I'll take this back, shall I?" and quickly hustled the two boys out of Snape's office. As he left, he said in a low voice, "We'll discuss this later, Severus."

"Oh, indeed we shall, Lupin," Snape said in a tone of quiet menace, but the office door had already swung shut behind Lupin and the boys.

*** 

Some time later, Snape heard a knock at the door of his personal quarters, a quiet, almost timid sound, as if the person behind the door wasn't sure of his welcome. "Come in, Lupin," Snape called in a disgruntled tone. He got up from his armchair and set aside the book he had been reading--or attempting to read, anyway; he found himself scanning the same page over and over with no recollection of what the words said.

Lupin just stood there, looking like a chastened schoolboy. "Severus--"

"You made me look like a fool!" Snape interrupted. "You deliberately lied to cover up for Potter!"

"Yes, but--"

"How could you give him that thing! Are you TRYING to get the boy killed?!"

"Severus!" exclaimed Lupin, sounding outraged. "Of course I didn't give it to him! How could you think I'd do such a thing?"

"Maybe 'Mr. Moony' wanted to share his secrets with his best friend's son," Snape replied in a caustic voice. "Where else would he have gotten it from?"

"Filch confiscated that map years ago," Lupin protested. "Obviously Harry or one of his friends somehow found it in his office."

"Which brings us back to the question, how could you let Potter get away with it? This is not a question of some schoolboy lark, Lupin! There are Dementors out there! Your old friend Sirius Black is out there! Aren't our positions being reversed here? Potter is your friend's son--shouldn't you be the one worrying about his safety, not me?!"

Lupin bowed his head and said meekly, "You're right, Severus."

"How could you--" Snape suddenly stopped his rant, disarmed by Lupin's reply. "Er...what did you say?"

Lupin looked up, his blue eyes solemn and remorseful. "I said you're right, Severus. I'm sorry."

Snape opened and closed his mouth, but nothing came out of it.

"I never thought Harry would do such a foolish thing," Lupin continued, "after what he told me about the Dementors. But the young always think they're immortal, and he is James's son, after all..."

Snape snorted, but somehow he wasn't as angry as he had been a minute ago. "Oh yes, very much his father's son. So he gets off scot-free?"

Lupin sighed wearily. "I know I shouldn't have intervened. But I felt this urge to protect him, I suppose. After all, I wasn't there to protect him when he was a baby, nor when he was growing up..."

"I'm not Voldemort," Snape said, feeling rather miffed. "You don't have to protect him from ME! Believe it or not, I am trying to keep the boy from getting himself killed, which is no easy task when he seems to court danger at every turn!"

Lupin smiled, and reached up to caress Snape's cheek affectionately. "I know that, Severus." But Snape pulled away, not quite ready to forgive him yet. "Yes, I should have let you give Harry detention, or whatever punishment you had in mind," Lupin admitted. "But you should know by now that such things are no deterrent to a mischievous boy. It certainly never stopped his father, or you and I, for that matter, from getting into trouble!"

Snape just crossed his arms and glared at Lupin. "That's beside the point. Are we just going to let little Harry Potter run down to Hogsmeade whenever he feels like it?"

"No, I've confiscated the map, and had a very serious talk with Harry." Snape raised an eyebrow, unconvinced, and Lupin continued, "I reminded him that his parents sacrificed their lives to save his, and told him it was a poor way to repay them by throwing that sacrifice away for a bag of magic tricks."

That quiet tone of disapproval, the look of disappointment and hurt in those blue eyes--Snape knew well how devastating they could be, although it had never occurred to him before that Lupin might be using them as a weapon on purpose. That was food for thought, but in any case, Potter must be feeling lower than a worm right about now. "Good," he muttered aloud. "I really hate that passive-aggressive thing you do; I only hope Potter finds it just as annoying."

Lupin smiled and fluttered his eyelashes. "Why Severus," he said innocently, "I don't know what you mean."

"Don't play dumb with me," Snape warned. "I'm still angry with you--Moony." He clenched his fists; it was ridiculous how much those childish taunts still stung after all these years. "But I suppose I should keep my 'abnormally large nose' out of your business!"

Lupin sighed. "Are you still mad about that? The map was enchanted to insult anyone who didn't give it the proper command."

"It didn't think I was just 'anyone'! Those were not just random insults."

Lupin sighed again. "No, I suspect Sirius must have programmed that response into the map, just on the off-chance that you might find it. It was just a childish prank, Severus, created long ago by a few mischievous boys who were much too full of themselves. You know that's not how I think of you now; I never did, even then." Snape still looked sullen and unforgiving. "You are so stubborn, Severus Snape," Lupin sighed.

"Quit sighing at me, Lupin!" Snape growled irritably.

"I told you before, Severus, I love your nose," Lupin said, and kissed the tip of it to prove his point. "And your hair..." He nuzzled Snape's shiny black hair. "And your lips..." He kissed Snape's lips, feeling them reluctantly relax and part beneath his own. When he finally broke off the kiss, he pressed his lips against Snape's ear, whispering, "I love every part of you," as he pressed close against Snape, slipping his hands inside the other man's robe. Snape gasped, and Lupin asked slyly, "So do you forgive me now?"

"Are you trying to bribe me with sex, Lupin?" Snape asked, trying for an tone of indignation, but failing miserably when Lupin's hands deftly unbuttoned his shirt and encountered bare skin. He gasped again.

"Why yes, Severus, I believe I am," Lupin replied, his blue eyes sparkling with mirth. "Is it working?"

In response, Snape covered Lupin's mouth with his own and pulled him into the bedroom.

*** 

Much later, Lupin stretched out languidly in the bed, tilting his head back to expose his throat. By now, Snape knew better than to think it was an accident or coincidence; it was an act of contrition and submission by the wolf. He bit down, harder than usual, on the soft flesh of Lupin's throat, and his lover let out a little moan of mingled pleasure and pain. Lupin had taken to wearing high-collared shirts to hide the bruises on his neck; the last thing they needed was for the staff--and Dumbledore in particular--to speculate on where those hickeys had come from. And Snape had been a little embarrassed about behaving like an oversexed teenager--except it was more than just youthful lust that motivated him. For one crazy moment, he found himself wishing that Lupin wouldn't hide those bruises; he wanted everyone to know that Lupin belonged to him--his mate, his property... _Mine!_ he thought possessively, and the sarcastic voice in his head asked incredulously, _Just which one of you is the werewolf, exactly?_

Sanity returned then, and he felt ashamed of his base desires, but that didn't make them go away. He trailed his hand down Lupin's body, watching him shudder with pleasure. He was pleased with the response his touch evoked in his lover, but it still didn't completely satisfy him. The wolf gladly--joyfully, even--submitted to him in bed, but the man still defied him in their professional lives, over Potter. "Would you really choose Potter over me?" he whispered.

Snape wasn't aware that he had spoken aloud until Lupin gave him an alarmed look and said, "Severus! What are you talking about?"

He felt ashamed that he had exposed his weakness to Lupin, but it was too late to back down now. He scowled to cover his confusion, and snapped, "You were willing to risk this--risk us--over that boy?!"

Lupin began to look just the slightest bit annoyed, and Snape felt a perverse sense of triumph at being able to shake his calm. "I thought we had already settled this, Severus! I wasn't aware I was risking anything--"

"Liar," interjected Snape. _I saw the fear in your eyes, back in my office. You were afraid of losing me, but you risked it anyway, to get the brat out of trouble._

By the way Lupin averted his eyes, Snape could tell his remark had hit home. Then Lupin looked up and said quietly, "Would you really have thrown away everything we have together just because, in a moment of weakness, I bent the rules to help my best friend's son?"

Then suddenly it was Snape who was unable to meet his lover's eyes. "You make me sound so petty," he mumbled.

Lupin placed a hand on Snape's cheek, gently turning his face till their eyes met. "Are you jealous of Harry, Severus?" he asked, a sympathetic look in his blue eyes.

"Of course not!" Snape snapped, jerking away from Lupin.

"He's thirteen years old, Severus; he's no threat to you--"

"For God's sake, Lupin! You have your faults, but no one's accusing you of being a child molester!"

"Then what is your problem with Harry?" asked Lupin calmly. "And why are you so angry with me?"

Snape dropped his gaze and muttered lamely, "I just don't like being made a fool of, that's all. And I hate the way he flouts the rules, just like his father."

Lupin smiled sadly. "I don't think it's really so much Harry that you hate, but James. I never understood why you two hated each other so much."

_Because he stole from me everything I ever wanted, including you,_ Snape replied silently, but of course he could not say that out loud.

Lupin kissed him on the cheek. "I love Harry, because he is the son of one of my dearest friends. I love him as I would love a nephew if I had one, but that's all."

_But I don't want you to love him at all,_ Snape thought miserably. _I want you to love only me!_ It was a selfish, petty thought, and Snape knew it, but he couldn't seem to help himself.

*** 

"I love you, Severus," Lupin whispered. But Snape still stared back at him silently with those wary, wounded black eyes. Not knowing what else to do, Lupin put his arms around Snape, drawing him closer, and whispered urgently, "Make love to me." Snape hesitated for a moment, then obeyed with considerable haste and need. Lupin surrendered himself completely to his lover's touch, knowing how much Severus craved--no, needed--for Lupin to relinquish control to him. He didn't completely understand why, although he suspected it had something to do with Severus's childhood and the years he spent among the Death Eaters. But it didn't really matter; if this was what Severus needed, then Lupin would gladly oblige. _I was never much of an alpha wolf, anyway,_ he thought with a touch of amusement. _I was always content to follow the pack..._ Then he let go of his ruminations and gave himself over to desire, trying to convince Severus with his body of what words could not--that he loved his beaky-nosed, sarcastic, brooding Slytherin lover with all his heart...

*** 

Snape tried to drown himself in his lover's embrace. Each helpless moan and cry of pleasure, not to mention the undeniable response of Lupin's body, reassured Snape of Lupin's desire for him. _But lust is not the same thing as love,_ whispered the voice in his head. _Shut up!_ he ordered it. Then Lupin frantically called out his name, and Snape forgot about the voice, caught up in the heat of the moment and the needs of his body...

Afterwards, Snape felt somewhat pacified by the feeling of languor spreading through his body, as well as by Lupin's sweet, trusting smile as he drifted off to sleep in Snape's arms. He could afford to be magnanimous, he decided. After all, Potter was only a child, no true rival for Lupin's affections. And all his other rivals had been eliminated: James Potter and Peter Pettigrew were dead, and Sirius Black was destined for the tender embrace of a Dementor--providing Snape didn't find him first. Nothing would give him greater pleasure than killing Black--in self-defense, of course. Snape smiled--in a way that would have frightened Lupin had he been awake to see it--and tenderly kissed his sleeping lover. Once Black was gone, there would be no one left to come between him and Lupin; he supposed he could put up with Lupin's avuncular interest in the Potter brat...

*** 

To Lupin's relief, Snape didn't mention the parchment or the Hogsmeade incident again; apparently he had decided to forgive Lupin. He seemed much more relaxed, and the tension in their relationship over Harry seemed to have disappeared, at least for the moment. He went out of his way to be affectionate and solicitous, in that slightly sarcastic way of his. He even went so far as to surprise Lupin on Easter morning with a basket filled with chocolate eggs and bunnies. Lupin laughed with delight, touched that his prickly Slytherin lover would do something so silly just to please him. Of course, it was not an entirely selfless gift, as Snape ate half of the candy himself, and reminded Lupin (in that low, husky voice that Lupin found so sexy) that chocolate was an aphrodisiac. And since it was a holiday, they were able to spend the entire day in bed testing the veracity of that statement, coming to the conclusion that--for the two of them at least--it was true.

The only thing marring Lupin's happiness was the fact that Sirius Black was still at large. Not only did he have to worry about Harry's and the other students' safety, the memory of his old friend's treachery still saddened and troubled him. He was still not quite sure how Sirius had fallen under Voldemort's spell; true, Sirius had been proud and arrogant, weaknesses that Voldemort could easily have exploited. But he had hated the Death Eaters so passionately; how had he ever gotten close enough to Voldemort to be seduced?

"Severus," Lupin said hesitantly. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," replied Snape with a smile. He was in a remarkably good mood, perhaps because several of his students--including Harry--had done poorly on the Potions exam. While he was a good teacher, he did take a rather sadistic pleasure in tormenting his students. 

_But I love all of him, even that part of him,_ Lupin reminded himself. Still, he wished Severus would be--if not kinder--at least more objective regarding Harry.

"Well, what is it?" Snape asked.

Lupin hesitated again. His question might make Severus angry, but he had to know... "Did you know, back then, that Sirius was a Death Eater?"

Snape frowned. "No, I didn't know; I was as surprised as everyone else when I heard he had betrayed the Potters. What brought all this on?"

"I'm sorry to stir up unpleasant memories," Lupin said anxiously, but Snape seemed more thoughtful than angry. "I just...I was wondering...I don't understand how Sirius could have turned to Voldemort. I just thought you might be able to give me some insight...but never mind. I shouldn't have brought it up."

"It's not as if he was a saint," Snape said sharply. "If you'll recall, he did try to kill me when we were teenagers."

"I know," said Lupin hoarsely, turning pale at the memory. "I believed--I still hope--that he didn't intend to kill you, that it really was just a stupid prank that got out of hand." Snape snorted derisively. "But he was never really sorry that he had risked your life; he never quite understood that what he had done was wrong. And that I could not forgive. And more, it scared me, that he could be so callous. That was why, when I heard what he had done to James and Lily and Peter, that I could believe it--just barely. But still...he hated you so much, Severus. I still find it hard to believe that he could serve the same master--" Snape flinched, and Lupin hastened to add, "I mean, the man he believed was your master. I know Voldemort wasn't really your master, that you were working as a spy for Dumbledore..."

"The old man told you that, I suppose?" Snape asked wearily, and Lupin nodded. "Meddling old wizard," Snape muttered. Then he sighed and said, "I don't have any answers for you, Remus. I don't know why Black joined the Death Eaters; I never saw him at any of the meetings or ceremonies. To be honest, I expected him to take the opposite route and become an Auror, the type who killed on suspicion alone, with no trial or questions asked. They took pleasure in those kills; I saw it in their eyes. There was very little difference between them and the Death Eaters they were hunting...I could picture Black becoming corrupted that way. It's a very small step from vigilante to murderer... I never heard of Voldemort turning an Auror over to our...er...his side, but I suppose it's possible." Snape smiled bitterly. "He's very good at twisting men's souls. And Black was so arrogant and stupid--I wouldn't be surprised if he thought he could take on Voldemort all by himself..."

With horror, Lupin could finally picture a logical scenario in which Sirius succumbed to Voldemort. "Yes, that would be the sort of foolish, heroic thing he might try...he would not be afraid of dying, but--"

"But there are worse fates than death," Snape finished. "As you and I know." They looked into each other's eyes, and found a certain understanding there; each man had been branded a monster by society: one by the bad luck to have inherited a recessive gene, a family curse, and the other by the foolish choices he had made as a boy. No matter how they redeemed themselves, most of the world would never view them with anything but contempt. Lupin silently reached out and placed his hand over Snape's. Snape shifted his hand slightly so their fingers interlaced, gave Lupin's hand a brief squeeze, then continued, "Voldemort could easily have crushed his mind and twisted his hatred to suit his own purposes. That's the sort of thing that would have given Voldemort great pleasure, corrupting a champion from the other side..." Lupin shuddered, and Snape added, "But of course this is all speculation."

"But it's the only explanation that makes sense," said Lupin, gripping Snape's hand tighter. 

"It will all be over soon," Snape said, trying to sound more certain of that than he felt. "He can't evade the Ministry and the Dementors forever."

"Forgive me if I feel less than confident in Cornelius Fudge's abilities," said Lupin dryly, and Snape nodded in reluctant agreement. "And the Dementors are as much a threat to the children as Sirius is."

Snape sighed, and said, more to himself than to Lupin, "I wish Branwen Blackmore was still here." She had been one of the most formidable sorceresses he had ever met, and he would have felt much more confident if she had been here to help protect the students; she could easily have wiped the floor with Black...

"Professor Blackmore?" Lupin asked, startled. Then he smiled and said, "She certainly was intimidating! But it's thanks to her that we're together..." 

"Yes, and I repaid her very poorly for that favor," Snape said guiltily.

"It's not your fault, Severus," Lupin said gently. "She was an Auror; she knew the risk she was taking. And Voldemort would have gone after her whether you joined him or not."

"Yes, but if I hadn't joined the Death Eaters, it wouldn't be my responsibility--"

"You helped save lives, Severus," Lupin said firmly. "In my book, that counts for more than the ones who remained neutral and stood by and watched while other people died."

"Like my parents," muttered Snape.

Attempting to steer the conversation in a less morbid direction, Lupin asked, "I was wondering...why isn't Incantations and Summonings on the curriculum anymore? I know Blackmore had no equal in that field, but surely Albus could have found someone capable of teaching that class?"

Snape smiled bitterly. "That's not the problem; you or I could have taught the class, if it came to that. The school governors decided to eliminate it from the curriculum after the war ended. It smacked too much of the Dark Arts, or so they said."

"But that's not true! I mean, yes, one can use a summoning to command a creature of the dark, but the same power can be used to summon an ally--"

"You don't have to convince me, Lupin," Snape interrupted. "I argued against it, but as you can imagine, my opinion didn't count for much at the time. I think it was the rumors of Blackmore's demon blood--"

"A child's fairy tale!" snorted Lupin.

"Yes, yes, we older Slytherins used to give the first-years nightmares by telling them tales of how Blackmore would drink their blood and steal their souls if they didn't behave in class. And of how Bane was her demon familiar. But it was more than just those silly rumors; it was also the manner in which she died that frightened the governors. They never found her body, or Bane's, you know. Just blood and feathers, and the bodies of three Death Eaters ripped to shreds. They think, in desperation, that she might have summoned a demon, and that after it killed the Death Eaters, it seized her and took her back to...wherever it came from."

Lupin went pale. "Surely not...!"

"I don't believe it myself, but the absence of a body is rather inexplicable...and if she is alive, why hasn't she returned by now? But in any case, my belief or disbelief doesn't enter into it. The governors have decreed that our innocent little students will not be corrupted by Summonings spells, and their decision is final."

Lupin shivered, and moved next to Snape, laying his head on his lover's shoulder, feeling the need to comfort and be comforted. "It's hard, sometimes, being the 'good guys' and having to play by the rules," he said.

"I know," replied Snape solemnly, slipping his arm around Lupin. "Why else do you think so many of us found Voldemort so seductive?"

And for that, Lupin had no reply.

*** 

Sitting in his office, Lupin reached into his desk drawer and pulled out the Marauder's Map. It was almost time for him to go to Severus for his Wolfsbane Potion, but he told himself he wanted to check up on Harry and his friends; it was the day of Buckbeak's execution, and they were bound to sneak out of the castle to visit Hagrid. At least, that was the excuse he gave himself, but the truth was he was motivated more by nostalgia. He touched the map, feeling connected once more to his childhood friends. He was happy now, with his job and with Severus, but he felt a pang of longing for those carefree days, when Lily and James and Peter were still alive, when Sirius had not yet turned traitor...when he and Severus were building a tentative friendship, their dreams not yet shattered by Sirius's selfish prank...

Then he gasped as he watched the dots moving on the map. There were the dots representing the three children...but there were also two more that should not be there: Sirius Black and...PETER PETTIGREW?! Lupin jumped up and ran out of his office. In his haste, he left the map lying on his desk and completely forgot about taking his potion...


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of Sirius Black’s escape, Snape makes choices for both good and ill.

Snape knocked on the office door. When no one answered, he opened the door and walked inside, calling, "Lupin? Have you forgotten about your potion?" He frowned at the empty room; it wasn't like Lupin to be so irresponsible. He looked down at the desk, thinking perhaps Lupin might have left him a note, and saw the Marauder's Map. He had learned of its existence, after the Shrieking Shack incident, but had never actually seen it until he found it in Potter's possession. He peered with interest at the moving dots...until he saw the names attached to them, and realized that they were all converging on the Shrieking Shack. The goblet fell from his hand, unnoticed, and spilled its contents on the floor. The children! And Lupin! He couldn't let them face Sirius Black alone! He hesitated for a moment, wondering if he should call for help, but there was no time. By the time he found the Headmaster and explained what was going on, Lupin could be dead; he was a good wizard, but he would be hampered by his need to protect the children, and by his lingering feelings for Black. Snape knew despite what Black had done, that Lupin still cared for him; he would hesitate to use lethal force against his old friend, but Black was a ruthless bastard who would have no such compunctions. Even as these thoughts went through his head, Snape was already running towards the Shrieking Shack...

At the base of the Whomping Willow, Snape came across a pile of cloth and picked it up. "An Invisibility Cloak!" he exclaimed. "As I suspected all along...well, Potter, I'm sure you won't mind if I borrow this..." He slipped it over himself as he entered the tunnel; it might help him get the jump on Sirius Black...

[I wrap my hand around your heart  
Why would you tear my world apart?  
\--"Always" by Saliva]

He took out his wand as he slowly entered the Shack. He didn't want to make any sudden moves that might endanger Lupin or the children. With the help of the Cloak, he could observe the situation and wait for the right moment. The sound of voices led him to the closed bedroom door. He paused and listened at the door, hearing the voices of Lupin and the children. He repressed a sigh of relief; they were all still alive. He listened closer, trying to judge when would be a good time to make his entrance, and heard Hermione Granger babbling something about how Peter Pettigrew couldn't possibly be an Animagus, which made no sense. He frowned and pressed his ear against the door, and to his shock, heard Lupin laugh.

"Right again, Hermione!" Lupin said. "But the Ministry never knew that there used to be three unregistered Animagi running around Hogwarts."

"If you're going to tell them the story, get a move on, Remus," Black snarled. "I've waited twelve years, I'm not going to wait much longer."

"All right...but you need to help me, Sirius," said Lupin. "I only know how it began..."

And with those two brief sentences, Severus Snape's whole world was suddenly ripped apart. Lupin...was working with Sirius Black?! _HE BETRAYED YOU!_ the voice in Snape's head screamed, and he stuffed his fist in his mouth to stifle his anguished wail. He managed to muffle the sound, but he fell heavily against the door, which swung open with a loud creak. He hastily scrambled back as Lupin came and looked out into the doorway. He stared his faithless lover right in the eye, but of course Lupin could not see him beneath the Cloak.

"No one there..." muttered Lupin.

"This place is haunted!" said Weasley.

"It's not," said Lupin, giving the door one last puzzled look before he went back into the bedroom. "The Shrieking Shack was never haunted...the screams and howls the villagers used to hear were made by me."

Snape sat outside on the landing, biting his fist till he could taste blood in his mouth, screwing his eyes shut to keep the tears from spilling out of them. _A Snape...does not...cry!_ he told himself vehemently. _I will not...WILL NOT!...cry over that...that...WEREWOLF!_ The bitter, coppery tang of blood filled his mouth as he listened to Lupin explain to the children about his lycanthropy, which Snape already knew about, and how his three friends had become Animagi to keep him company, which Snape had not known. _How much more about you don't I know?_ Snape thought despairingly. Had he been working with Black all along, or had he just been stupid enough to fall for some sob story of innocence Black had created? _It doesn't matter,_ he decided. _I will never forgive him! I will never trust him--trust anyone--ever again!_ And deep in his heart, a voice whispered quietly, _I will never love anyone ever again._

"...so in a way, Snape's been right about me all along," Lupin was saying.

_You're damn right!_ thought Snape, removing his fist from his mouth. He ground his teeth together, letting anger push the despair out of his heart. _I should've trusted my instincts, never should have fallen for those innocent blue eyes..._

"Snape?" Black asked harshly. "What's Snape got to do with it?"

"He's here, Sirius," Lupin said heavily. "He's teaching here as well."

Another wave of despair washed over him at the heaviness in Lupin's voice. _I thought you were happy that I was here! You said you came back here to be near me!_ And the sarcastic voice in his head snarled, _He lied, you fool!_ Then it said in a smooth, insinuating tone, _Or...perhaps he was happy enough to share your bed for awhile, but when the man he really loved showed up, he decided to toss you aside. You were his second choice, Snape; you will always be second best..._

*** 

"He's here, Sirius. He's teaching here as well." Lupin felt a heaviness in his heart. His two worlds were colliding and he didn't know if he could ever set things right again. He was overjoyed to discover his old friend was innocent, but he didn't know if he could ever convince Severus of that. And he suspected Severus would never forgive him when he found out Lupin had helped Sirius. He attempted to explain to the children the reason for the animosity between himself, Sirius, and Severus. "...You see, Sirius here played a trick on him which nearly killed him, a trick which involved me--"

Sirius snorted. "It served him right! Sneaking around, trying to find out what we were up to...hoping he could get us expelled..."

Lupin sighed. Twelve years in Azkaban had not changed Sirius for the better. He was still unrepentant; but at least he wasn't a murderer... "Severus was very interested in where I went every month. We were in the same year, you know, and we--er--didn't like each other much." _Until our fifth year..._ "He especially disliked James. Jealous, I think, of James's talent on the Quidditch pitch..." He hated to make Severus sound so petty, but he knew Severus would never forgive him if he told the children the real reason behind the grudge Snape held against his friends. _Although what's so terrible about being in love...?_ he wondered. Then, in a sudden flash of insight, he realized that Severus thought of love as a weakness, and he couldn't stand to appear to be weak in front of anyone. But there was no time to think about that, or how it might affect their relationship, now. 

Lupin concluded his story, and Harry said slowly, "So that's why Snape doesn't like you, because he thought you were in on the joke?"

"That's right," sneered a very familiar voice, and Lupin felt his blood run cold. He turned around to see Severus pulling off the Invisibility Cloak, his wand pointing directly at Lupin.

*** 

Snape cast off the Cloak, being careful to keep his wand pointed at Lupin. "Very useful, Potter, I thank you..." He felt his lips twist into a grin that must have been terrifying, judging by the children's reactions, and he felt a coldness, like a layer of ice, forming around his heart. He welcomed it, because it helped him to endure Lupin's horrified stare. "You're wondering, perhaps, how I knew you were here...?" And he taunted Lupin with the knowledge of how the Marauder's Map in his office had given him away.

"Severus--" Lupin said in a pleading tone.

"I've told the Headmaster again and again that you've been helping your old friend Black into the castle, Lupin--" _But you fooled even me, for a little while._ "--and here's the proof. Not even I dreamed you would have the nerve to use this old place as your hideout--"

"Severus, you're making a mistake," Lupin pleaded with him. "You haven't heard everything--I can explain--Sirius is not here to kill Harry--"

"Two more for Azkaban tonight," Snape said, feeling lightheaded, almost euphoric. He knew he was teetering on the edge of sanity, but he no longer cared. "I shall be interested to see how Dumbledore takes this...he was quite convinced you were harmless, you know, Lupin...a tame werewolf..."

"You fool," said Lupin softly. "Is a schoolboy grudge worth putting an innocent man back inside Azkaban?"

That soft, disapproving voice...the look of disdain in Lupin's eyes...and the last thread linking Snape to his sanity snapped. BANG! A quick motion of his wand, and thin, snake-like cords leaped out of the wand and twisted themselves around Lupin's mouth, wrists, and ankles. _I don't want to hear any more of your lies!_ he thought viciously as he watched his lover fall to the floor, bound and gagged. Black roared in rage and started towards Snape, but Snape pointed his wand straight between Black's eyes.

"Give me a reason," he whispered. "Give me a reason to do it, and I swear I will." Oh God, how he wanted Black to take that step, to give Snape an excuse to kill him. Slowly. All the forbidden curses he had learned in Voldemort's service swam into his mind. First he would use the Cruciatus Curse, then only after Black was too far gone to know who he was or why he was being tormented, would Snape put him out of his misery with the Killing Curse. If Lord Voldemort had shown up right at this moment and offered him Black in exchange for his soul, he might have done it...what use had he for a soul, anyway, now that Lupin had betrayed him...?

But now Granger was pleading with him to hear Black out. It infuriated him that, even now, people would still side with Black over him, even knowing Black was a convicted murderer! He might expect that from Potter, but he had thought Miss Granger had more sense than that.

"But if--if there was a mistake--" Granger stammered timidly.

"KEEP QUIET, YOU STUPID GIRL!" Snape screamed, knowing he was out of control, but not caring. "DON'T TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" A few sparks shot out of the end of his wand at Black. He trembled with the effort of keeping himself from killing Black. He didn't know what was stopping him; a dim memory of a long-ago promise made in the Headmaster's office...? The memory of a dying Muggle-born wizard, and the pain of the Mark being branded into his arm... Snape took a deep breath, and regained a very tentative hold on his sanity once again.

"Vengeance is very sweet," Snape said breathlessly to Black. "I hoped I would be the one to catch you..." _But it wasn't supposed to happen like this,_ part of him protested. _I was supposed to save Lupin, be the hero..._ His long-cherished secret fantasy suddenly appeared in his mind: Lupin turning away from Black, to stare up at Snape adoringly; finally, completely, his... Snape took that image and ruthlessly crushed it, imagined it shattering into a thousand pieces... _No more fantasies for me, ever!_

"The joke's on you, Severus," snarled Black. "As long as this boy brings his rat up to the castle, I'll come along quietly."

"Up to the castle?" Snape asked silkily. "I don't think we need to go that far. All I have to do is call the Dementors once we get out of the Willow. They'll be very pleased to see you, Black...pleased enough to give you a little kiss, I daresay..." Part of him cackled with glee; the other part realized his hold on his sanity was more tenuous than he had thought...

The look of panic on Black's face was quite amusing. "You--you've got to hear me out," Black croaked. "The rat--look at the rat--"

Snape grinned, knowing he must look quite mad, feeling his sanity slip just a little bit further out of his grasp. "Come on, all of you," he said in an twisted parody of cheerfulness. He snapped his fingers, and the ends of the cords binding Lupin flew to his hands. "I'll drag the werewolf. Perhaps the Dementors will have a kiss for him, too--" He saw the look of terror and betrayal in Lupin's blue eyes, and thought sadly, _Ah Lupin, you never really knew me at all, did you, if you believe I could follow through on my threat?_ Because even now, even knowing how Lupin had betrayed him, he could not bring himself to harm his lover. Former lover. But he would make Lupin watch as the Dementors sucked his dear friend Black's soul right out of his body. Then a thought occurred to him that filled him with blind, unreasoning fury: perhaps Lupin was not afraid for himself, but for Black...

Snape snarled and turned towards the door, but suddenly Potter was standing in his way. For once, his anger was not focused on the boy; Potter's insolence was a small, insignificant thing beside the return of an old enemy and a lover's betrayal, but the boy would not leave well enough alone. He brushed aside the boy's objections, saying, "Get out of the way, Potter."

"YOU'RE PATHETIC!" Potter yelled. "JUST BECAUSE THEY MADE A FOOL OF YOU AT SCHOOL YOU WON'T EVEN LISTEN--"

"SILENCE!" shrieked Snape. "I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO LIKE THAT!" For a moment he thought he saw James standing before him instead of Harry, and for the first time he became truly frightened at the prospect of going mad. "Like father, like son, Potter! I have just saved your neck; you should be thanking me on bended knee! You would have been well served if he'd killed you! You'd have died like your father, too arrogant to believe that you might be mistaken in Black--now get out of the way, or I will MAKE you, GET OUT OF THE WAY POTTER!"

Then Snape heard three voices scream, "Expelliarmus!" and everything went black...

When Snape regained consciousness, he found himself lying on the ground, surrounded by the unmoving forms of Black and the three children. Lupin was nowhere to be seen, but the full moon was up, and he could hear howling in the distance. He conjured up stretchers and took his prisoner and the children back to the castle. He felt oddly numb; the voice in his head kept saying plaintively, _This isn't the way it was supposed to happen..._

*** 

Cornelius Fudge was shaking his hand and babbling something about giving him the Order of Merlin.

Snape's mouth made the appropriate response of, "Thank you very much indeed, Minister," but inside he still felt numb and hollow. As if some award, some shiny medal, would make up for what he had lost...make up for Lupin's mischievous smile, his gold-and-silver hair, his gentle blue eyes, his body warm and willing beneath Snape's... He touched the copper bracelet hidden beneath the sleeve of his robe, remembered Lupin kissing the Mark on his arm, and suddenly he wanted to weep. But now Fudge was asking him about the children... For an instant, he was tempted to say they had been in league with Black. But Black had fooled others older and wiser than they--namely one Remus J. Lupin--so he decided to be merciful, though he doubted they would ever thank him for it. Besides, Fudge probably wouldn't believe mere children were capable of such treachery...but Snape, who had grown up in Slytherin House, did. But still, Potter at least should not get off unpunished.

"Is it good for him to be given so much special treatment?" Snape asked. "Personally I try to treat him like any other student." _Liar,_ taunted the sarcastic little voice in his head. _Oh, shut up,_ Snape retorted, and continued, "And any other student would be suspended--at the very least--for leading his friends into danger..."

"Well, well...we shall see, Snape, we shall see...the boy has undoubtedly been foolish..."

The boy had been, and still was, foolish indeed. Fudge insisted on stopping by the hospital wing to visit Potter. And the boy tried to convince the Minister of Black's innocence. One might almost admire his persistence...if one didn't hate Sirius Black with a passion. 

"YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN!" screamed Potter. And Granger chimed in with her version of events.

"You see, Minister?" Snape gloated. "Confunded, both of them...Black's done a good job on them..."

"WE'RE NOT CONFUNDED!"

Madam Pomfrey was trying to usher them out of the room at the same time Dumbledore walked in. "I have just been talking with Sirius Black," he said calmly.

"I suppose he's told you the same fairy tale he's planted in Potter's mind?" Snape asked sarcastically. "Something about a rat, and Pettigrew being alive--"

"That is indeed Black's story," said Dumbledore mildly, giving Snape that penetrating look he used when he thought a student might be lying--or at least not telling the entire truth. That look infuriated Snape; it was like reliving his schoolboy days all over again!

"Does my evidence count for nothing?" Snape snarled. "Pettigrew was not in the Shrieking Shack, nor did I see any sign of him in the grounds."

"That was because you were knocked out, Professor," Granger said earnestly. "You didn't arrive in time to hear--"

"Miss Granger, HOLD YOUR TONGUE!"

"Now, Snape," Fudge was saying, "the young lady is disturbed in her mind, we must make allowances--"

Meanwhile, Pomfrey was still trying to throw everyone out of the room, but Dumbledore insisted he had to talk to the children alone. Fudge went on ahead, but Snape paused by the door. "You surely don't believe a word of Black's story?" he whispered, staring at the Headmaster's face, trying to read his expression.

"I wish to speak to Harry and Hermione alone," was all Dumbledore said.

"Sirius Black showed he was capable of murder at the age of sixteen," Snape breathed. "You haven't forgotten that, Headmaster? You haven't forgotten that he once tried to kill ME?"

"My memory is as good as it ever was, Severus," said Dumbledore quietly.

Snape turned on his heel and stormed out of the room. The Headmaster was going to take Black's side again, he just knew it! And why not? History seemed to be repeating itself. Lupin had betrayed him once again, so naturally Dumbledore would as well. But this time Black would not get away with it; this time Snape had the Minister of Magic on his side.

And then came the news that Sirius Black had escaped...

*** 

Snape ran towards the hospital wing as Fudge and Dumbledore followed him.

"He must have Disapparated, Severus, we should have left somebody in the room with him. When this gets out--"

"HE DIDN'T DISAPPARATE!" Snape roared. "YOU CAN'T APPARATE OR DISAPPARATE INSIDE THIS CASTLE! THIS--HAS--SOMETHING--TO--DO--WITH--POTTER!"

"Severus--be reasonable--Harry has been locked up--"

Snape slammed open the door of the hospital wing and bellowed, "OUT WITH IT POTTER! WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"Professor Snape!" shrieked Madam Pomfrey. "Control yourself!"

"See here, Snape, be reasonable," Fudge said soothingly. "This door's been locked, we just saw--"

"THEY HELPED HIM ESCAPE, I KNOW IT!" Snape howled, spit flying from his mouth. He knew he was acting like a madman, which wasn't helping his case with Fudge, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. It just wasn't fair, that not only had he lost Lupin, but he didn't even have the consolation of seeing Black destroyed!

"Calm down, man!" Fudge barked. "You're talking nonsense!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW POTTER!" Snape screamed hysterically, completely out of control by now. "HE DID IT, I KNOW HE DID IT--"

"That will do, Severus," Dumbledore said quietly, in that oh-so-reasonable tone, asking Madam Pomfrey if the students had been out of their beds since he left the ward.

"Of course not!" she said indignantly. "I've been with them ever since you left!"

"Well, there you have it, Severus," said Dumbledore. "Unless you are suggesting that Harry and Hermione are able to be in two places at once, I'm afraid I don't see any point in troubling them further." He smiled at Snape, his eyes twinkling behind his glasses, and Snape knew, he just KNEW, that Dumbledore had aided the children somehow, but of course he would never be able to prove it. Snape stood there for a moment, briefly contemplating murder, then turned and ran out of the ward.

*** 

Snape went down to breakfast in a fury, then stopped dead in his tracks: Lupin was sitting at the breakfast table, looking wan and gray. He had thought Lupin would be feeling too ill to come to breakfast, not to mention he hadn't thought that Lupin would have the unmitigated gall to show his face in public after what happened last night! The werewolf looked up and stared at him pleadingly.

 _Oh no, you don't!_ thought Snape blackly. _I won't let those puppy-dog eyes get to me this time!_ He avoided the staff table completely, and sat with his Slytherin students, much to their surprise.

The table was buzzing with gossip. "Is it true Sirius Black was captured but escaped, Professor?" Draco Malfoy asked eagerly.

"Yes," Snape said curtly, grinding his teeth together.

"I heard the Hippogriff escaped too!" said Pansy Parkinson.

"Nooo!" Malfoy howled.

_Well,_ Snape thought sourly, _at least I'm not the only one who's been disappointed today..._

"Maybe that's what I heard howling last night," said Gregory Goyle dully. The boy was just as slow and stupid as his father had been...

"Hippogriffs don't howl, you idiot!" said Malfoy.

"No, but werewolves do," said Snape in a silky tone. From the corner of his eye, he saw Lupin's fork stop halfway to his mouth.

"What do you mean, Professor?" asked Malfoy, gaping at him.

"Oh, use your brain, Malfoy!" Snape snapped. "Is Hermione Granger the only one of my students clever enough to figure it out?" The Slytherins bristled at that accusation, and Snape let his eyes slide over in Lupin's direction. Goyle and Crabbe still didn't get it, but Malfoy was quick enough to pick up on it.

"So that's why he gets sick every month!" the boy exclaimed.

"Huh?" asked Crabbe.

"Professor Lupin's a werewolf, you dolt! Wait till I tell my father--"

Soon the gossip was spreading from the Slytherin table all across the room. Dumbledore was glaring at him from the head table, but Snape had eyes only for Lupin. He looked into those blue eyes, expecting to see anger and betrayal, but they held only sorrow and resignation. Lupin gave him one last, sad look, then set down his fork and left the room. 

_Well, he's gone from your life for good now,_ the sarcastic voice in Snape's head said, sounding oddly subdued. But deep inside his heart, another voice screamed, _WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!_

Dumbledore rose from his seat, walked over to the Slytherin table, and said in a cold voice, "I will see you in my office after breakfast, Severus," then he left the room as well.

*** 

[I feel like you  
Don't want me around  
I guess I'll pack all my things  
I guess I'll see you around  
It's all been bottled up until now  
As I walk out your door  
All I can hear is the sound of...  
Always...always...always...always...always...always  
\--"Always" by Saliva]

Lupin laid his letter of resignation on the Headmaster's desk.

"This isn't necessary, Remus," Dumbledore protested.

"Yes, it is, Albus, and we both know it. The parents will not want a werewolf teaching their children. I'm sure Lucius Malfoy in particular, will be quite vociferous about it."

"Damn that boy for being so stubborn," Dumbledore muttered under his breath.

A small smile crossed Lupin's lips despite himself. Only Dumbledore would be able to think of an embittered former Death Eater in his thirties as a "boy". "Don't be too hard on Severus," said Lupin. "From what I know of his childhood and his years at Hogwarts, he has had precious little reason to trust anyone. And twice now, have I betrayed his trust, at least in his eyes."

"Yes, he has had a difficult life," Dumbledore said impatiently. "But that excuses only so much. There have been people who cared for him, people who tried to help him--you and I not the least among them. It is long past time he grew up."

"Why should he?" Lupin asked sardonically. "Neither has Sirius."

The Headmaster sighed. "Those two boys will be the death of me yet! The irony of it all is, neither of them realizes how much like the other he is!"

"As I said, don't be too hard on Severus. If Sirius had just come to you and explained things...I know you would have heard him out. And I am not blameless myself. If I had told you about the three of them being Animagi..."

"We have all made mistakes, Remus," Dumbledore said gently.

"And besides...I endangered the children last night. I could have bitten them." Dumbledore started to protest, but Lupin interrupted him. "Yes, I know that it wasn't my fault, that there were circumstances beyond my control--but that would be cold comfort if a child were killed or infected. No, it is best for me to leave."

"Very well, Remus. Here is the balance of your wages." He handed Lupin a small sack filled with coins. 

Lupin hefted the sack, feeling the weight of it, and raised his eyebrows. "Er...I wasn't aware that I had received a raise..."

"A small bonus," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling. "Well deserved, under the circumstances, I think." He came around to the front of the desk and gave Lupin a hug. "Take care of yourself, my boy. And let me know if you need anything, anything at all..." He gave Lupin's shabby robes a pointed look. "No need to be a martyr, Remus. It's not charity to let your friends help you out occasionally."

Lupin smiled. "Yes, Albus. I'll keep in touch. And," he added in a light tone, although his heart was still heavy, "I did acquire two new robes and some fond memories during my stay here."

"I'll call a carriage for you."

"Thank you Albus, I'll be packing my things."

Lupin went to his personal quarters--which he had hardly spent any time in since the end of November, when he had practically moved into Severus's quarters--and packed his meager belongings. As he packed away the two robes Severus had given him for Christmas, he wondered if he would ever be able to wear them again without wanting to break down and cry. He closed his eyes for a moment, then shut his suitcase and went to clean out his office.

*** 

Snape sat in the Headmaster's office, feeling much like an errant schoolboy about to be lectured once again. But this time his crime was something much worse than putting a simple hex on another student. Not that he cared. He would never again care what the old wizard thought of him, not after he had betrayed Snape yet again.

"I am very disappointed in you, Severus," Dumbledore said sternly. "You disobeyed my direct orders to keep Professor Lupin's condition confidential."

"I apologize, Headmaster," replied Snape with a noticeable lack of sincerity. "In all the excitement, it just sort of...slipped out."

"I am not stupid, Severus!" roared Dumbledore, slamming his fist down on his desk. "And I'll thank you not to treat me as if I were! We both know you did it on purpose! As valuable as you are to this school, if you ever defy me in such a manner again, I shall be forced to dismiss you. Is that clear, Professor Snape?"

"Yes, Headmaster," said Snape sullenly, slouching down in his chair.

Dumbledore sighed wearily. "Severus, if I were not so angry with you right now, I would feel sorry for you." Snape looked up, a puzzled and resentful expression on his face. "You are your own worst enemy. Who are you really trying to punish--Remus or yourself?"

"I have no idea what you mean, Headmaster," Snape said icily. 

"You know perfectly well what I mean," Dumbledore snapped. "You were given a very rare opportunity, Severus--a second chance at happiness. Third, actually, if you count the time you sent back Remus's letter during the trials." Snape stared at him in outrage and opened his mouth to protest, but the Headmaster cut him off. "I'm not finished, Severus! You have sabotaged your chances for happiness at every turn; perhaps you feel you don't deserve to be happy?"

Snape glared at him. "Oh, spare me the 'poor misunderstood Slytherin boy' bit! I don't need anyone's pity! I was quite content before Lupin walked into my life."

Dumbledore ignored him. "Perhaps you feel you don't deserve to be loved?"

Snape's eyes narrowed. "Lupin never loved me!" he hissed. But unconsciously, his right hand touched his left wrist, where the copper bracelet remained beneath his robe...he must have forgotten to take it off...

"Why do you think that, Severus?" Dumbledore asked quietly.

He had not been expecting that question, and was startled into answering honestly, "Be-because he helped Black. He chose Black over me! Again!" Then he clamped his hand over his mouth, horrified, before he could demean himself any further.

"Oh, Severus," said the old wizard, rising and coming out from behind his desk to lay a hand on Snape's shoulder. Snape looked up briefly, then refused to meet his eyes again. He had no right to look so sympathetic--so fatherly!--when he had betrayed Snape. "Love is not like a pie, my boy," he said gently. 

"Interesting analogy, Headmaster," said Snape sarcastically. Perhaps the old man had finally gone senile...

"Love is not a finite thing that can be divided into pieces," Dumbledore explained patiently. "Just because Remus loves Sirius--or Harry, for that matter--doesn't mean that he loves you any less. Love is boundless--like the sea, or the sky."

"Very poetic," muttered Snape.

"A wife doesn't love her husband any less when their child is born. Rather, the bond between the family is increased. And parents don't love their first child any less when the second is born--"

"Speaking from experience," Snape said coldly, "I wouldn't know. I'm not married. I'm an only child. And I haven't spoken to my parents in twelve years." _And my father's motto was always, "Sentimentality is a luxury only the weak can afford"._

"Severus," said Dumbledore, reaching out with one hand, but Snape pulled away, rising from his seat.

"If we're done here..." said Snape.

Dumbledore fell back into his chair, suddenly looking much older. "No," he said wearily, "we're not, but I can see there's no point in continuing." As Snape opened the office door, Dumbledore said, "Don't be a fool, Severus. Go patch things up with Remus."

"I'm afraid it's too late for that." _Where on earth did that regretful tone in my voice come from?_ Snape wondered.

"It's never too late, Severus," said Dumbledore quietly as the door swung shut.

*** 

Snape lingered outside Lupin's office door, wondering what on earth he was doing here. There was nothing left for either of them to say to each other, after all. But some masochistic part of him wanted to see Lupin one last time before he left...

While he was dithering outside Lupin's door, trying to work up enough courage to either walk in or flee, the door opened, and he heard Lupin say, "Well--goodbye, Harry, Hermione. It has been a real pleasure teaching you. I feel sure we'll meet again some time." Then Potter and Granger trudged out, with gloomy expressions on their faces.

Before Snape could retreat out of sight, Potter exclaimed, "You!" just as Lupin said, "Severus!" in a startled voice.

"Haven't you done enough?" Potter snapped. "Did you come to gloat, too?"

"Harry!" Granger squealed in protest, although she glared at Snape as well.

Before Snape could say anything (such as, "Twenty points off Gryffindor!"), Lupin said sharply, "I don't ever want to hear you speak to a teacher that way, Harry!"

"But--"

"It's all right, Harry," said Lupin in a kinder tone. "Go on, I'll be fine."

"But--"

"Come in, Severus," said Lupin, his expression unreadable, as he held the door open. Snape hesitated, then decided he could hardly humiliate himself any more than he already had after being caught lurking outside Lupin's office, and walked in. The door swung shut on the children's stunned faces.

*** 

"Wh--what the--?!" stuttered Harry. "What did Snape come here for? And why would Professor Lupin want to talk to the slimy git after what he did?"

"Professor Snape had a strange look on his face," Hermione said slowly. "Almost...sad. Or maybe...guilty. Maybe he wants to apologize."

"Hah!" Harry snorted. "And maybe the Sorting Hat will realize it made a mistake and put Draco Malfoy in Gryffindor!"

Hermione was staring at the closed door. "Don't you want to know what they're talking about?"

Harry stared at his friend; was Hermione--little Miss Follow-the-Rules Granger--actually suggesting they eavesdrop on their teachers? "Well...yes," he admitted.

But as they edged closer to the door, they heard a cheerful voice say, "Ah, Harry, Hermione! Just the two people I wanted to see--"

Harry groaned inwardly as the Headmaster walked towards them, but reluctantly let Dumbledore lead them away. Now he would never know what Snape and Lupin said to each other! Hermione obediently followed the Headmaster to his office, but cast one last backward glance at Lupin's office door.

*** 

Now that he was standing in Lupin's office, Snape had no idea what he wanted to do. Apologize? Gloat? He just stood there staring at Lupin.

"Why, Severus?" Lupin asked quietly, finally breaking the long silence.

"You know why," Snape whispered, finding that his voice suddenly worked again.

"I want to hear it from your lips, Severus," said Lupin, quietly, but implacably.

"Fine," Snape said shortly. "You helped Black. You betrayed me."

"He's innocent, Severus."

"He's played you for a fool!"

Lupin reached into his pocket, pulled out a scrap of torn newspaper, and held it up. "Look," he said.

"It's Weasley and his family; big deal. I fail to see--"

"Look, Severus!" Lupin shoved the picture in his face. "Look at the rat!"

"What about it?!"

"Look at his paw!"

Snape looked, and felt a chill run down his spine. The rat was missing a toe on one paw. No, it couldn't be... "That--that means nothing!" he blustered. "It could have lost the toe in an accident--escaping from a trap, or a cat--that cat of Granger's is always chasing it around--"

"How can you be so stubborn?" Lupin shouted. "Peter Pettigrew is alive! Sirius is innocent!"

"I DON'T CARE!" howled Snape.

"Wh-what do you mean?" stammered Lupin. "Even you wouldn't want to see an innocent man convicted!"

"'Even you'--what's THAT supposed to mean?"

"N-nothing, I just--"

"And anyway, BLACK TRIED TO KILL ME! In case you'd forgotten! Since when is attempted murder merely a 'schoolboy grudge'?!" 

"Yes, Sirius made a mistake!" Lupin shouted back at him. "But he's spent twelve years in Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit! Isn't that punishment enough?"

"NO!" screamed Snape. "It will never be enough! I will never forgive him! I will never forgive YOU!"

"Why, Severus?!" Lupin cried out, his eyes imploring Snape for forgiveness, for understanding...

Snape had completely lost control of his emotions, or he never would have told Lupin the truth: "BECAUSE YOU CHOSE BLACK OVER ME!"

"B-but Severus--"

"You knew," Snape hissed, "you knew I would never forgive you if you helped Black, but you went ahead and did it anyway! After all your pretty words of love and devotion, after everything we had together--you threw it all away for Black!"

Lupin sighed, and all the energy seemed to drain out of his body. His shoulders slumped, and he hung his head down till his chin nearly touched his chest. "Yes," he whispered. "I knew I was risking our relationship when I decided to help Sirius."

Finally Lupin had admitted it; but being proven right brought no satisfaction. Snape stood there, breathing heavily, staring at Lupin.

Then Lupin raised his head and looked Snape directly in the eye. "But," he said in a steady voice, "I could not let an innocent man be destroyed, not even to preserve my own happiness. Not even to preserve yours. If the situation had been reversed, Severus, I would have done the same thing for you. I would have defied Sirius for your sake."

"Talk is cheap, Lupin," Snape sneered. "Easy for you to say, when you'll never have to prove it."

"I did defy him for your sake once already," said Lupin in that firm, implacable tone. "At James and Lily's wedding fourteen years ago. He tried to convince me you were a Death Eater, and I refused to believe him. It destroyed our friendship and our trust in each other. That was why, when James and Lily were betrayed, we each believed the other was the traitor."

Snape stared at Lupin disbelievingly. _No...that can't be true...can it?_

Lupin laughed mirthlessly. "You and Sirius both had the same faults...pride and arrogance and a stubborn refusal to ever admit you were wrong...yet somehow I believed the worst of him when I never believed it of you. Despite your House, and your pride, and your interest in the Dark Arts, I never really believed you were a Death Eater."

"But I was," Snape whispered.

"But you rejected them once you knew what they were really like," Lupin replied, in a gentler tone. "You risked your life to help set things right." He paused for a moment, then said, "I did try to help you, you know, although it turned out that you never needed my help in the first place. But I believed that you would be forced to stand trial as a Death Eater, and I wrote to Dumbledore begging him to help you. I wrote to you, too--and I know you got my letter because you sent it back to me in pieces." He gave Snape a smile tinged with both bitterness and sorrow.

Snape was struck speechless; he had almost forgotten about that letter--and his reaction to it. "I didn't rip it up because I hated you," he said earnestly; for some reason it was now suddenly important to him that Lupin understand he had not done it out of sheer pettiness. "I was trying to protect you."

"I don't understand," said Lupin, sounding puzzled.

"Voldemort was banished but not dead, and there were still Death Eaters at large--I had betrayed my master; for all I knew they would try to kill me for that betrayal. And if it became known that you were my lover, or even just my friend, they would kill you too--"

Lupin just stood there, staring at him open-mouthed; his lips moved, but no sound came out of them.

"I swear, Lupin, I swear," Snape babbled, his eyes filling with tears, "I was only trying to protect you! I wanted you so much, but I couldn't be that selfish, I couldn't risk your life--" And the tears he had fought so hard to hold back all his life spilled down his face, unchecked; for only the second time since he was six years old, Severus Snape wept.

Lupin stared at him, and suddenly his face filled with rage, and his hands clenched into fists. Snape thought Lupin--gentle, quiet Lupin who never raised his voice to anyone--might actually hit him, but he made no move to try and block any blows; God only knew it was the least he deserved. Then Lupin raised his fists and pounded them on Snape's chest, but only lightly, and then he was not hitting Snape at all but rather throwing his arms around him, crying, "Damn you, Severus! You had no right to make that decision by yourself! All those years wasted! All those years we could have been together--" 

Lupin sobbed uncontrollably, and Snape put his arms around him, pressing his face against Lupin's hair as he whispered, "I'm sorry, Remus."

"Damn you, Severus!" Lupin sobbed. "Don't you know I would have taken any risk to be with you--?"

"Yes, I know," said Snape quietly. "That was why I couldn't let you do it. I had so much blood on my hands, so many deaths on my conscience--the Potters, Blackmore, even Rosier and Wilkes--" Yes, Rosier and Wilkes had been Death Eaters, but they had been motivated by love and friendship, respectively. Rosier probably couldn't have been swayed, but Snape might have been able to save Wilkes if he had tried. But he hadn't; there would have been too much risk of his status as a double agent being exposed. So he had let poor, gullible Wilkes--who had, after a fashion, been his friend--die in the Dark Lord's service. "I couldn't bear to lose you, Remus," he whispered. "I could live without you in my life, but I couldn't live with myself if you died because of me." 

"I thought you hated me," Lupin wept.

"I pretended to, and then I really did, for a long time," Snape confessed. "It was easier to hate you than to admit to myself how much I missed you."

Lupin pulled away from Snape, and wiped his face on his sleeve. "Both you and Sirius are so much alike!" he said, still sounding a little angry.

"I'm nothing like Black!" Snape said indignantly.

"You both decided what was best for me without even consulting me, as if I were a child!" snapped Lupin. "Back in school, Sirius saw we were getting close and he was afraid you would hurt me, so he set out to scare you off--and guess what, it worked! You did exactly what he wanted!" 

Snape felt ashamed of himself, as well as appalled at how easily Black had manipulated him.

"And as for you," Lupin continued. "You made the decision to 'protect' me without giving me any choice in the matter!"

"But I was just--"

"Trying to protect me, I know. But Severus, do you think I liked the fact that you risked your life spying on Voldemort? And that you're putting yourself at risk now by pretending to be a sympathizer still?"

"Well, I never really thought about it--"

"How would you feel if I asked you to stop? Or worse, if I went to Dumbledore and told him not to let you do it anymore?" Lupin saw the affronted expression on Snape's face, and smiled in grim satisfaction. "Ah, you don't like that one bit, do you? So how do you suppose I feel? I don't want you risking your life, Severus, but I understand why you do it; I even understand that it's necessary, and I have too much respect for you to try and force you to stop. So why don't you treat me with the same respect?"

"I'm sorry, Lupin," Snape said humbly. He had never felt so thoroughly chastised in all his life; not even as a schoolboy being scolded by the Headmaster or the supposedly-demonic Blackmore, whom all the Slytherins lived in fear of. "But," he added meekly, "I only did it because...because..."

"Because what, Severus?"

He meant to say, "Because I wanted to protect you," but what came out of his mouth was, "Because I love you." 

Then Lupin's eyes filled with tears again, but he was smiling as well. "I know, Severus," he said softly, as he wrapped his arms around Snape once again. "I love you, too. I always have and I always will. No matter what. Even if you hated me, even if you became a Death Eater in truth, even if you--" he gave Snape an ironic smile "--exposed me to the entire school as a werewolf, I would still love you."

Snape flushed with guilt. "I'm so sorry, Remus! For everything!"

"I forgive you, love," Lupin said, kissing him lightly on the mouth. 

The word "love" made Snape's heart soar at the same time it was sinking at the thought of how he had betrayed Lupin and driven him away from the school. "Why don't you hate me?" he asked helplessly.

Lupin smiled sadly. "Because you hate yourself enough for the both of us," he said quietly.

Snape had no idea how to reply to that. It was true, he knew, but he didn't know how to change that even if he wanted to. But Lupin just held him, stroked his hair, and whispered comforting little endearments in his ear, and Snape let him.

"I'm sorry," he said again.

"It's all right, Severus."

"No it's not!" Snape protested. "Don't go, please! I'll tell Dumbledore I was wrong, I'll tell the Slytherins--I don't know what I'll tell them, but I'll think of something--"

"It's too late, Severus," said Lupin gently. "I'm sure the first owls are already on their way to the parents--"

"I'll talk to the parents!" Snape said recklessly. "I'll convince them to let you stay!"

"You can't do that without risking your cover," Lupin reminded him, still in that gentle tone of voice. "What would Lucius Malfoy say, if he heard you defending a werewolf, and a Gryffindor werewolf at that? What you are doing for Dumbledore is more important than either of us, my love."

He was about to protest that he didn't care, that he'd give up spying for Dumbledore if it meant they could be together, then Lupin's words hit him like a bucket of cold water. Lucius Malfoy. If Malfoy found out about them... He stared at Lupin in horror. "If anyone finds out about us...you'd be in just as much danger as you would have been twelve years ago. Maybe more..." Perhaps it was better to let Lupin just walk away, even if it broke his heart. Again.

Lupin glared at him. "Didn't you hear a word I said? I'm not letting you push me away again for my own safety!"

"But Lupin, the danger--"

"Do you think any of us will be safe when the Dark Lord rises again?" Lupin cried. "I am already marked as an enemy, even without your love, Severus! I'm a friend to Harry Potter and to Dumbledore! And I mean to fight in this war, Severus! There will be no watching from the sidelines, this time--I have a feeling Voldemort will tolerate no neutral parties, no fence-sitters; you will be either for him or against him! No one in the world will be safe, Severus; all we can do is take what comfort and strength we may from the ones we love."

"I'm so scared, Lupin," Snape whispered, his already pale face turning positively ghostly. "Not for myself, but for you..."

Lupin wrapped his arms around Snape and held him tightly. "I let you walk away from me once because I thought you hated me. Now that I know you love me, Severus, I will never let you go again. And if you try to be rid of me for my own good, I shall send you a Howler that will announce to the whole school that I am in love with you!"

"That's blackmail, Lupin!" protested Snape, laughing in spite of himself.

"You're damn right!" said Lupin fiercely.

"And here I always thought you were so fragile, so passive," Snape said with a grin.

"You--and Sirius--have always underestimated me," Lupin said. "I can take care of myself; I am much stronger than you think." Then he relented and grinned back at Snape. "Besides, I am a wolf, after all! And I protect my pack and my mate!"

Snape laughed, but then reality set in. "But Remus, we will be separated no matter what you say," he said soberly. "You are leaving the school--which is my fault, I admit--and I must stay."

"It's not the end of the world, Severus," said Lupin. He looked serious as well, but managed a smile. "We can write to each other--" Snape opened his mouth, and Lupin forestalled his objections by adding, "We can send our messages through Dumbledore if you're afraid the Death Eaters might be monitoring your mail."

"I'm not sure I want the old man reading my love letters," Snape muttered.

"Albus would never do that!"

"I'm not so sure of that!" said Snape darkly, but Lupin just laughed.

"And you can come visit me from time to time," Lupin said. "In fact...it's almost time for summer vacation, isn't it? That's three whole months we can spend together!"

Snape smiled. It wasn't perfect, but it was certainly more than he had expected, certainly more than he deserved. But... "I usually spend the holidays at school, unless Dumbledore has some errand for me to run. People might become suspicious if I'm suddenly gone all the time--"

"Remember that Howler," Lupin warned. "I'm sure your clever Slytherin mind can come up with something believable. Perhaps Dumbledore could assign you extra work and send you out as his errand boy in retaliation for getting his pet werewolf thrown out of school."

Snape grinned. "Didn't I tell you once, Lupin, that you would have made a good Slytherin?"

Lupin laughed. "Maybe. But you would make a very bad Gryffindor, Severus!"

"But you said you didn't want me to be a Gryffindor," Snape reminded him in a silky voice. "You said you loved me because I was a Slytherin. You said you loved every part of me." 

"That's right," said Lupin, and the wolf began to stir behind his blue eyes.

"Remind me again, which parts those were."

"Your hair," whispered Lupin, reaching up to stroke those shiny black locks. "Your nose." He lightly kissed the tip of it. "Your lips." A longer kiss. His hands started to unfasten the front of Snape's robe. "Your chest," he said a little breathlessly. And then he couldn't speak at all, as Snape covered Lupin's mouth with his and pushed him back against the desk. They were fumbling with each other's robes, and Snape was pushing Lupin down across the top of the desk when suddenly--

"Your carriage is at the gates, Remus," a cheerful voice called out.

Snape and Lupin yelped and jumped apart. Or rather, Snape jumped back while Lupin, unfortunately, was left in the slightly more undignified position of having to crawl off the top of the desk. 

"Oh, excuse me!" exclaimed the Headmaster. "I guess I should have knocked. Hope I'm not--er--interrupting anything."

"Uh, not at all, Headmaster!" Lupin said, his face turning scarlet as he hastily refastened his robes. He snuck a quick peek at Severus, who looked equally mortified; if anything, his blush was even deeper than Lupin's, his pale, sallow skin making it difficult to disguise the rush of blood to his face. "We were just--um--ah--saying goodbye...?"

"I see," said Dumbledore, stroking his beard as his eyes twinkled behind his half-moon glasses.

"Oh shut up, Lupin," muttered Snape under his breath. "You're just making it worse."

"Would you like me to walk you to the gates, Remus?" Dumbledore asked innocently.

"Ah, no need for that, Headmaster, I can manage..."

"Well then, I'll let you two...ah...say your goodbyes...in private." Dumbledore winked at Snape as he left the room.

"One of these days, I'm going to kill that meddling old wizard," Snape said blackly, but Lupin burst out laughing. Snape glared at him for a moment, but the corners of his mouth kept twitching upwards, and finally he gave in and laughed as well.

"There's no use fighting it, Severus," Lupin chuckled. "We'll never outsmart that old wizard!"

"I suppose not," Snape said, still sounding a little disgruntled. But he couldn't stay angry when he looked at Lupin's laughing face.

"Goodbye, Severus," Lupin said, embracing him tightly.

"Goodbye, Lupin." Snape kissed Lupin; he meant for it to be a quick goodbye-kiss, but it stretched out much longer than he had intended. "Can't you stay just a little longer?" he pleaded, feeling his blood begin to heat again.

"The carriage won't wait forever," Lupin said regretfully. "Besides," he added with an impish grin, "consider that incentive for you to come visit me when school lets out!"

Snape stroked Lupin's face, taking in the dark circles under his eyes, and the gray in his hair. "I'll come and make the Wolfsbane Potion for you when I visit," he said tenderly. "And I'll owl it to you when I can't."

"Thank you, Severus. Now, I really must go. Goodbye."

"Goodbye." He watched Lupin walk towards the door, and as Lupin placed his hand on the doorknob, he knew there was something else he had to say. "Lupin, wait!"

"Yes, Severus?" Lupin asked, looking back at him.

Snape hesitated, unable to speak for a moment. _Oh, go ahead and say it, already!_ the sarcastic voice in his head said, finally admitting defeat. "I...love you, Remus," Snape said in a halting voice. _Hmm, that wasn't so bad..._

Lupin gave him that warm smile he had craved ever since he was thirteen years old, and said, "I love you too, Severus."

Then Lupin was gone, the office door swinging shut behind him, but Snape felt content and at peace for the first time in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> The bulk of the story was planned out before I bought the Saliva album, but when I heard "Always" on the radio, I thought, "Wow, this fits the story almost perfectly!" I liked it so much that I went out and bought the CD, and a lot of the other songs fit the theme of the story, too, so it ended up becoming the soundtrack of the fic.
> 
> When I was writing the story, I was trying to avoid contradicting canon as much as possible, so that it could read as a story that hypothetically could have happened behind the scenes out of Harry's POV. However, I did alter the ending of Prisoner of Azkaban slightly to give Lupin and Snape time to talk to each other before Lupin leaves. Of course, as it turns out, the series ended up getting more AU as it went along, so sticking to canon didn't really matter, but those were my thoughts at the time.


End file.
